Peace Train, Love Train Collide; Hundreds Feared Dead

TASHKENT, UZBEKISTAN - Tragedy struck in the early hours of August 11, when two trains collided on the Trans-Asian Railway System. The eastbound Love Train was believed to be headed for China when it encountered a rail defect at 3:49 a.m. local time, causing the engine to jump the track to the left, directly onto the neighboring railway. The jump caused 17 of the train's passenger cars to also leave the track and pile up, and it is unknown how many casualties were caused by the initial crash.



Mere seconds later, the westbound Peace Train came gliding, its conductor unable to brake the train before the collision. The engine struck the Love Train wreckage, lifting up into the air and causing the passenger cars to slam into the other train at an estimated 195 Kilometers per hour.

Of the 936 combined passengers, only 17 have been confirmed as survivors. So far, 716 bodies have been recovered, though rescue workers are pessimistic about the chances of finding more survivors amidst the burning twisted wreckage.

"It was horrible," said Primad Patel, 42, a passenger aboard the Love Train who sustained a broken wrist, severe lacerations on his legs, and second degree burns to his legs and chest. "We departed from Egypt, and had just left our stop in Russia. Everyone had joined hands, when suddenly there was a horrific screeching noise, and then everything was flipping over. The car I was in had ended up atop the wreckage of another car, facing sideways, so I was able to see down the track through a shattered window. Out of the edge of darkness, there rode the Peace Train. It was horrible... simply horrible," Patel said, before breaking down into racking sobs.

"I cannot believe this," cried Chezmal Bhanti, brother of Senval Phanti, 21, a passenger aboard the Love Train who was headed to China to attend the closing ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. "I told him 'please don't miss this train at the station, 'cause if you miss it, I feel sorry, sorry for you'. Oh, how could I have been so foolish?"

The Peace Train sustained more damage, experts are saying, as they struck a stationary object, whereas the Love Train was able to come to a slower, if still catastrophic, stop. All 17 of the survivors were aboard the Love Train.

"It is a dark day," Turpan Stationmaster X'ing Fong Xiu said. "The passengers got their bags together, went and brought their friends too, and jumped aboard the Peace Train. Little did they know they would never see their loved ones again."

"It will haunt my dreams forever," said Chad Durtz, 51, a tourist who was headed East on the Love Train. "I managed to crawl out of the wreckage, but we could see it getting closer. The Peace Train was sounding louder, and then it plowed through the Love Train. My wife... oh God, Esther..."

"This is a horrible tragedy," O'Jays lead singer Eddie Levert was quoted as saying. "We feel that in light of this catastrophe, people all over the world should join hands. Actually, maybe that's not such a good idea, as that's what started this in the first place."

Cat Stevens could not be reached for comment.

Clown-Americans Still Not Accepted

Here at Smart Centipede, we are dedicated to expanding borders, enlightening our fellow man, and making the world a better place. It has recently come to our attention that there is a growing blight on society that needs to be addressed. There are some people who claim to suffer from a disorder known as Coulrophobia. This is, by definition, the fear of Clowns.



This has to stop, people. Clowns are people too. This mindless hatred and bigotry must be put to an end. Clown persecution must be eliminated.

Imagine, if you will, if I were to announce that I was suddenly afraid of Jews? Picture if you will: a crowded city street, and I suddenly break into hysterics at the sight of a Jew, weeping and hiding behind someone, screaming to "make the Jew go away." That didn't fly for Hitler, and rightly so. How much outrage would there be were I to suddenly be diagnosed with Mexicanophobia? What if I refused to help a customer because I was scared of African Americans? None of this would be viewed as socially acceptable. So why should Clowns be exposed to such vitriol, and unjustly scoffed and gawked at?



Clowns have been immigrating to America since the early 1800's. Their struggle to find employment, housing, and even social acceptance was titanic. It was a common sight in centennial America to see a Clown walk into an establishment and mocked by an ignorant public. In 1823, Dan Rice became the first Clown born in America. He rose to high social standing becoming friends with President Abraham Lincoln. He even ran for President in 1868, but the United States was not ready for Clown-equality. This fear and hatred of Clowns stems from a fundamental lack of understanding of Clown culture. In an attempt to clear some of the mystique, we present this brief overview of Clown culture.



Here we see a few members of a small Clown community. One of the village edlers, known in Clownese as a "Biggie Bobo," teaches young Clowns some traditional Clown construction techniques. Stilts being the prime export of Clownovia, these children are learning valuable skills that will help them later in live. Along with stilt construction, children also learn over-sized shoe making, squirting flower repair, and powder-puff maintenance. These essential skills are enhanced when the children enroll in one of the Vocational Schools that dot the landscape of Clownovia.



Here we see a newborn Clown. Will he find acceptance in this turbulent world, or will he be hated and feared like his bretheren? We can only hope he will find some semblence of a normal life here in the United States.



Some clowns are able to find acceptance, and even notoriety and fame. Ronald McDonald, spokesclown for the McDonalds franchise, was born Ronald "Sweet" Pickles as the only child of second generation Clown-Americans. Bouncing between odd-jobs for most of his twenties, he was working as a fry-cook for McDonalds (Clowns could often only find work "behind the scenes" where the public couldn't see them) and as the legend goes, on a slow day, he went out into the streets and danced to draw attention to the restaurant. The resultant influx of customers led the owners of the McDonalds franchise to rechristen him Ronald McDonald, and use Pickles as a spokesperson. The NAAClP (National Association for the Advancement of Clown People) later claimed McDonalds use of Pickles was a negative ethnic stereo-type, but Pickles refusal to testify at hearings would cripple their case. Many hard line Clown Rights advocates call Pickles an "Uncle Tutu," claiming that his pandering antics have set Clown Rights back decades, but many Clown-Americans see him as an inspiration for future generations.

"We face many obstacles in front of us," Gilbert "Hoopy Doopy" Duprey, President of the NAAClP, said from his office in Montgomery, Alabama. "Clown-Americans can do anything they want, anything they can dream of. A clown can become an actor, an astronaut, a professional athlete... who knows? Maybe someday soon America will be ready for a clown President!"

The Colonel's "Original Recipe" Revealed

After decades of secrecy, the long sought after "secret recipe" of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Sanders has been liberated. Harland David Sanders, known by the loyal patrons of his chicken eatery as "The Colonel," (an honorary title which contradicts his army records which state that he never achieved a rank higher than private) died in 1980, losing a long battle with leukemia and hated rival/former underling Dave Thomas, who after running a number of KFC chains and inventing the paper chicken bucket, went on to found the Wendy's chain of restaurants. Both men are now dead, leaving only Bertrand "The Burger King" Kane as the sole survivor of the Trans-fat Trio still at large.

Following various health scares and numerous animal rights protests, undercover agents were sent to infiltrate the mysterious inner workings of the chicken enterprise. To date, several thousand individuals have been killed attempting to bring the secret recipe to light. On several occasions, people have claimed to have as many as eight of the "11 herbs and spices," but none ever lived to bring their findings to the public.

I am here today to share the horrific truth. I have no doubts that this will lead to my destruction, but it needs to be told.

The "Original Recipe" contains the following basic ingredients:

Sugar, Flour, Monosodium Glutamate (MSG), Salt

It also contains the "11 herbs and spices", which are, according to our research and classified documents liberated from several secluded "research" facilities, as follows:

1. Black Pepper. This is the most obvious of the spices, as it is clearly visible on the skin of the chicken.
2. Cassia. Miniscule traces of this Cinnamon-like spice are added to the mix in the last stages, enhancing the flavor and color of the skin.
3. Rosemary. This herb is a member of the mint family and is key in giving the chicken it's kick.
4. Black Cumin. A rounded taproot, this tastes like sweet chestnuts.
5. Star Anise. With the uprising of Avian Flu, the Star Anise was harvested to shortage for the Shikimic Acid it naturally produces, which is used in production of Tamiflu. Recently, alternative sources were discovered, and Star Anise is plentiful once again.
6. Mandrake Root. This root must, at the Colonel's insistance, be harvested by blind women, and one in every seven roots must be burnt in sacrifice to Odin.
7. Nickel. Classified as a spice by Colonel Sanders in April of 1973, nickel was introduced to the recipe for its ferromagnetic qualities, promoting bloodflow.
8. Rhinoceros Beetle Carapice. The Colonel's hope was that by ingesting the carapice of Rhinoceros Beetles, his patrons would gain proportionate strength, allowing them to kill off those not loyal to him.
9. Tears of Newborn Babies. Believed to be the first of the 11 herbs and spices to be added, Sanders had been in talks with several hospitals for secret placement of tear repositories, where doctors could store the initial tears of newborn infants.
10. 2-4 Diethyl-Propinmurinol. Recent studies by the FDA suggest this ingredient could be dangerous, but several key government officials have taken a sever interest in the studies, thereby ensuring their release will be delayed by decades.
11. Ragweed Pollen. Promotes stimulation of the salivary glands.

There you have it. The horrible truth. I may meet my end soon because of the knowledge I've shared with you here today, but they cannot hide it from us any longer. The world must know!

Well, I'm off to get one of those new Chicken and Biscuit bowls. Mmmmmmmmm.......

More "Best Of": Animals vs. Sex Euphamisms

Wed 14 Dec 2005

It’s time for another exciting episode of Animal Names vs. Sex Organ Euphemisms!


Okay, contestants…
is it A.) an actual animal name, or B.) a euphemism for sex organs

1. Auger-headed gut wrench

2. Bald-headed hermit

3. Bearded clam

4. Bed snake

5. Blind snake

6. Box jellyfish

7. Bush rusher

8. Carpet shark

9. Chin-strap penguin

10. Clown stink bug

11. Cock-of-the-rock

12. Crotch mackerel

13. Dik-dik

14. False heath fritillary butterfly

15. Firm worm

16. Furback turtle

17. Gutted hamster

18. Hairy-nosed wombat

19. Hoopoe

20. Kookooyumyumpoon

21. Lady dagger

22. Lumpsucker

23. Muzzled bulldog

24. One-eyed hip snake

25. Oxpecker

26. Pale chub

27. Pocket gopher

28. Porkfish

29. Purple-headed belly ripper

30. River cooter

31. Schipperke

32. Schnickel

33. Smew

34. Smoo

35. Splooge moose

36. Stinkpot

37. Tang fish

38. Throat spackler

39. Trouser trout

40. Woolen bivalve

Answers are below.
Rate your score:

1-10 correct = Way to go, Chicken Choker. Watch the fucking Discovery channel once in a while, so you can at least know which of these are animals, instead of pulling your pud looking at the underwear section of your mom’s Sears catalogue.

11-20 correct = Not bad, Cocker Spankiel. You probably knew more of the sex euphemisms than the animal names, because you probably don’t watch the Discovery Channel except to look for native ginch. But do you even know what euphemism means?

21-30 correct = Pretty clever, Hump Monkey. You probably some wrong because you thought they were ALL sex organ euphemisms. But there’s a good chance you’ve actually hunted some of them.

31-39 correct = Nice job, Brainy Beaver. The few that you got wrong have only given you something new to search for on your next scrunt hunt!

40 correct = Congratulations, Smellyfish. But chances are you only got them all right because you knew exactly which ones were animals and eliminated the rest. You watch way too much Discovery Channel, and you need to get laid, nerd!

Answers:
Eht slamina era xis, thgie hguorht nevele, neettriht, neetruof, neetnin, ytnewt-owt, ytnewt-evif hguorht ytnewt-thgie, ytriht, ytriht-eno, dna ytriht-eerht.
Eht gnals snagro era eno hguorht evif, neves, evlewt, neetfif hguorht neethgie, ytnewt, ytnewt-eno, ytnewt-eerht, ytnewt-ruof, ytnewt-enin, ytriht-owt, dna ytriht-ruof hguorht ytrof, hguohtla yna fo eseht nac ylisae eb desu sa seman rof sexob dna seskcoc.

Family Bored By Overly Dramatic Eulogy

SPARKILL, NY - Several members of the Harris family reported severe boredom Thursday during a funeral service for Chester Harris. Harris, 86, died peacefully in his sleep sometime between 11:20 P.M. and 6:45 A.M. on Sunday.

Trouble began at the funeral when Harris' grandson, Mark Jaspers, asked if he could deliver the eulogy. Japsers, 22, requested that he be the one to deliver the final words at a small graveside service, and Harris' wife, Beulla McCutcheon-Harris, agreed.

"Markie is such a sensitive young boy," the widow explained, "he has such a gift with words. I didn't know things would take such a macabre turn."

An undergrad student attending NYU, Jaspers is a Theatre major, but he is minoring in Writing. With his grandfather's passing, he saw an opportunity to share his talent with the world. Starting with Holy Sepulchre Cemetary in Sparkill, New York.

"When I heard Mark wanted to say the eulogy, I was touched," said Jaspers' second cousin, Kelly-Ann DiPietro. "I know he goes to school for writing, so I figured he would be the perfect choice. I wish I knew then what I know now. It was so long winded."

"I am always very proud of Mark," said Gwendolyn Jaspers, mother of Mark and daughter of Chester. "Ever since he was a little boy, he has always had such a creative spirit. My father loved Mark very much, and I know he would have been moved by Mark's words. I don't think even he would have guessed how much Mark had to say. How very, very much Mark had to say."



Jaspers' speech, which lasted an interminable nineteen minutes and thirty two seconds, touched on a variety of tedious topics, such as childhood memories shared between grandfather and grandson, various hobbies, cliched poetic and religious quotations, and a number of anecdotes only tangientally connected to the eldest Harris.

"When Mark told us the story of his grandpa teaching him to tie his shoes, I was crying," recalled Dolores Kelly, Jaspers' aunt on his father's side. "But do we really need to hear about his coin collection? Or his love of fly fishing? Jeez, Mark, wrap it up."

Jaspers speech was further drawn out by long pauses as the boy turned and wept on the casket of his grandfather, much to the chagrin of the assembled, bored masses.

"Kid's a real wuss bag," Danny Halloran, boyfriend of Jaspers' cousin, Hilary Harris, reported. "I didn't know the old guy, but I'm glad he wasn't alive to hear this complete snore-fest."

Mourners seemed to be in agreement that Jaspers not be allowed to read at their own respective funerals.

"Fag," Halloran added.

xxx

More "Best Of": Editorial: Five Speaks Out

Wed 29 Mar 2006

Editorial: Five Speaks Out

Posted by smartcentipede under Random Acts of Violins

(The Smart Centipede is proud to present this editorial from our special guest writer, the number Five. The views expressed in this editorial are those of the number Five only, and do not reflect the opinions of Smart Centipede.)

Hello. My name is Five. You may know me from such television shows at Babylon Five, Hawaii Five-Oh, and Party of Five. I’m here today on behalf of the Numeral System to adress a growing problem. In every system, there needs to be a set of checks and balances, something in place to ensure that the system continues to work as a cohesive unit. The Numeral System is no different. This editorial is also an intervention of sorts, because there is one of our own that needs a wake up call.
Six… you suck.

There, I’ve said it. Someone needed to. The rest of us have gotten together and discussed this thoroughly, and it was agreed that something needed to be done to stem the tide of unpleasantness we’ve been seeing. You’ve grown too big for your britches. Don’t think we’re just doing this to be mean. We care about you, and we think that it’s not too late to get you back on track. But something has to be done.

You are no better than the rest of us. Being the middle number, for a long time, I was the top dog, but you didn’t hear me shouting about it. But you’ve been insufferable. Early astronomers and philosophers believing there were only six planets was probably the worst thing that could have happened, because it was the start of your delusions of grandeur. And forget about the Imperial System vs. Metric System.



We all have our special qualities, Six. We’re tired of hearing about how much of a natural party animal you are just because beverages come in six packs. I mean, grow up, really. Three has a lot to be proud of too. Good things come in three. Third time’s the charm. I mean, hello, the Holy Trinity? But do you hear Three running around telling everyone how great he is? Hell, no.

Not everyone eats dinner at six. Some people eat at five. Some people eat as late as eight. And what about lunch? You don’t hear One or Two yapping in everyone’s ear about it, and that’s their busiest time.

Look, I know it’s your year, and we’re all entitled to a little extra attention when we’re sitting on that line. But the year is only three months old, and we’re already tired of your act.

And it’s not like you’ve been silent for ten years, either. Back in 2002, we threw a nice quiet little get together for Two, to celebrate the bookend deal, but you showed up drunk, hit on Three’s wife, and threw up all over Eight’s daughter. That was Two’s day, man, but you had to try and make it your show. You’re just lucky Three is such a religious man. If you pulled a move on Mrs. Five, you’d still be picking up your fucking teeth.

So save the chatter, you insufferable asshole. We’re not going to humor you anymore. We’re done calling you “Six Pack,” or “Half Dozen,” or “Deep Six.” Stop telling Three that you’re twice the man he is. You don’t have any special powers because of the whole 666-Satan thing. And believe me, no one wants to hear your off color German jokes about how much “you” you’re getting.

It’s not too late, man. We used to work well together. But quite frankly, it’s getting tough to stand next to you. If you want to take a deep breath and get back in touch with reality, then fine. But until you can prove you’re not such an asshole, stop following me.

Sincerely,

Five

P.S. Even Nine is tired of all the sex jokes, but he’s just too shy to say so.

(In reading this editorial, the management agrees. Six DOES suck.)

The Following Is A Paid Advertisement

Hello!
Have you been injured by the negligence of others?
Are you experiencing pain and suffering thanks to someone else?
Then you need to call the law firm of Tay, Kanarm & DeLeg!
No case is too big OR too small!

"Hello, the sky was so blue yesterday that I felt like I was underwater, and I later had a dream that I was drowning. I'd like to sue the Weather Channel."



We'll take the case!












"I forgot to turn my car alarm off before I got into my car, and I got really startled when it sounded. I think Ford motor company should pay me."



We'll take the case!












"I burned my cock dunking it in boiled vaseline as part of my sexual fetish. I'd like to sue the people who make Vaseline. AND the company that made my stove."


We'll take the case!












"My son killed a hooker in Reno and shoved the body into a chipper shredder, storing the parts in his freezer and later cooking and serving them at the local homeless shelter. The state of Nevada should have known better."


We'll take the case!












"No fair! Joey took the last pudding cup!"


We'll take the case!












"I hate television commercials featuring lawyers who promise to help you sue anyone and everyone! I want to sue ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and any other channel that shows those commercials!"


We'll take the case!












"Dear Mr. Kanarm, your bill is now six months past due. We are prepared to take legal action to claim the outstanding balance due."


We'll take the case!












We guarantee victory!* We don't get paid unless you get paid!** Free Consultation!*** Operators are standing by!†

Call us at 1-800-LOOPHOLE!

We'll take the case!



*Victory Not Guaranteed in U.S. or state Court System.
**$700 "Law Type Fee" may apply.
***In Shermer, Illinois office only.
†Due to call volume, your call may not be answered.

Holy Rebuttal, Batman!

The Son of God sits down to discuss life, love, and pocket sixes

My recent post on the Smart Centipede that Ashley Judd was my own personal Jesus drew attention from an unlikely, if perfectly logical, source, as I was surprised in my home by Jesus Christ, the Son of God. He agreed to answer some questions for the fans of the Smart Centipede.

SC: Jesus, thanks for stopping by and agreeing to the interview.

JC: Blessed art thou. Glad to be here. Hey, you mind if I pop a Red Bull? Long night last night.

SC: Go right ahead. Can you state your full name for the interview?

JC: Sure. Jesus H. Christ.

SC: What's the H stand for?

JC: I'm a little embarassed. It's Helen. My dad was a big fan of the Trojans, which everyone who watches college football can see for the past three years now. (Rolls his eyes) Okay, Dad, we get the hint. How about giving the Texas Longhorns a shot this year?

SC: Hey, no hard feelings about the comments made on our blog, right?

JC: I don’t do “hard feelings.” Besides, my Dad broke the mold when he made Ashley Judd. Hell, I worship her.

SC: (smiling) Want to join our religion?

JC: (laughs) No, I’m Jewish, which is something that a lot of people seem to forget.

SC: So all the people who believe that you’re the messiah, who count on their belief in you to get them into Heaven, are wrong?

JC: Pretty much. They have to be, or there is a paradox.

SC: How so?

JC: Think about this: If they’re right, I’m the Son of God. Don’t you think the Son of God would know what religion is the right one? If they’re wrong, then I’m NOT the son of God, so what do I know?

SC: So you’re not the Son of God?

JC: If you go strictly by logic, I can’t be. Because if I am the Son of God, then Christianity is the right religion, and I was wrong in following the Jewish tenets, but how could the Son of God be wrong about anything?

SC: So you’re not the Son of God?

JC: Actually, I am. Religion has nothing to do with logic. Just like politics. The Christians don’t have it right, but neither did I.

SC: So which religion is the right one?

JC: Scientology comes pretty close.

SC: I don’t believe it!

JC: (in the voice of Frank Oz) That is why you fail. No, seriously, could you imagine if those nutjobs were right?

SC: Hey, that’s a pretty good Yoda.

JC: Thanks. I love those Star Wars movies, except The Phantom Menace. That was just sooooo boring.

SC: That’s why Lucas had to wait to do it, because if that was the first one, they never would have made enough money to make the rest.

JC: That’s bullshit, by the way.

SC: Did you… just say “Bullshit?”

JC: Yep. That’s what George Lucas told everyone, but that isn’t what happened. He came up with the idea for this big sweeping movie trilogy, but didn’t know how to start it. That’s why the first one made was Episode Four. He wasn’t even going to have Darth Vader be Luke’s father. That came up a third of the way into the making of Empire. An intern named Doug suggested it, and Lucas took credit.

SC: Doug the Intern? He thought up the greatest plot twist in science fiction movie history?

JC: No, he only suggested it. I gave him the idea. George’s original idea was that Obi Wan Kenobi had Multiple Personality Disorder, and he was actually Obi Wan, Anakin Skywalker, and Emperor Palpatine. The whole Lightsaber battle at the end of the first one was supposed to be a dream sequence, like the whole “Who Shot JR?” thing on Dallas. I thought that would be too stupid, so I showed Doug the better idea in a dream, and he took it to George.

SC: Thanks, it worked out much better with your idea.

JC: Yeah. I saw the re-releases of the first three with the upgraded special effects, and figured George finally had a handle on things, so I didn’t bother to interfere with the Phantom Menace. Boy, even the Son of God is wrong once in a while. Doug even tried to warn me, but I guess I just wasn’t paying attention.

SC: Doug the Intern? He's in Heaven?

JC: Yeah, George had him killed so he never revealed where the “father & son” idea came from. He’s been up here since 1980. He watches over all of Jim Carrey’s work.

SC: Jim Carrey gets help from Heaven?

JC: No, but we like to let Doug think he’s making a difference. Otherwise he just follows me around asking if I want another latte. (Rolls his eyes) As if I couldn’t just create another one.

SC: So what’s going on in the world that you’d like to address?

JC: Actually, there’s a few items that are bugging me, if you don’t mind me ranting here for a minute.

SC: Please, go right ahead.

JC: Thanks. First on the list are all of the frivolous lawsuits that people are bringing against one another. This has gotta stop, kids. The old lady that sued McDonalds for their coffee being too hot when she spilled it in her lap, which was one of the first ones in the recent string of frivolous lawsuits. What the Hell were you thinking, lady? If the coffee wasn’t hot, you probably would have complained about it being too cold. Well, don’t worry, people, we have her taken care of. She should enjoy that fat settlement now, because when she dies, that coffee is gonna feel like a daiquiri compared to where she’s going. Anyone who sues someone for something that a little common sense would have prevented has an appointment with one of my Dad’s former colleagues.

SC: That would be the Devil?

JC: Yes, Captain Obvious, the Devil. Try not to interrupt me, please. The Bible has a lot of wacky ideas in it, but there is one that really needs to be thought about seriously. Eye for an eye. There is a guy who tried to sue Jay Leno because one of the comedians on his show shot tee shirts into the crowd, and hit him in the eye. He wanted $25,000 in damages. He should be allowed to shoot the comedian in the eye with the same shirt cannon. That’s all. Nothing else. Also, all this PC garbage. Will you people get over yourself? It’s just words, for Dad’s sake. It’s the intent behind the words that is hurtful. Everyone needs to just grow up and be a little more thick-skinned.

SC: That’s also a pet peeve of mine.

JC: That’s great. So, what, we’ve got like, one thing in common? Yeah, that’s enough to interrupt me whenever the heck you feel like it.

SC: Sorry.

JC: There is more stuff that bothers me, the obvious stuff, like killing, rape, theft, and the like. But everyone knows those are wrong. Well, almost everyone. It’s the little things, like people who talk during movies, people who cut in line at the market, people who don't shower and own ferrets and wear patchouli oil; those are the ones who really need to watch their backs. (Rises up and holds his hands out) So repent! (Starts to laugh)

SC: Wow. Sage advice. So I know there must be a lot of perks being the Son of God, but is there any downside?

JC: Hells yeah. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Dad, but he’s totally out of touch. He doesn’t know Everclear from Everlast. He tries, but it’s just so pathetic. He came up to me the other day doing the Macarena. For a guy who is omnipotent, he sure is clueless. Also, it’s tough to get a decent poker game going. All the good gamblers are usually downstairs. I’m a big fan of Texas Hold ‘Em, but it drives my Dad crazy, because people are always praying for another six on the river. I mean, come on, I don’t play a pair of sixes unless I’m heads up, and even then, I only check 'em. It’s just bad policy. If they’re going to make bad decisions with their chips, they should know how to work it out on their own if it goes against them. Otherwise, like the Beatles said, “a fool and his money.”

SC: Actually, that was Thomas Tusser.

JC: I know that, you knob. Who do you think told him? The Beatles quoted it for the song “Come and Get It.” You don’t have many friends, do you? Maybe if you stop correcting people while they’re speaking, you’d have some. (pauses, shaking his head) No, I'm sorry, I was just kidding. You're cool.

SC: So what have we done right down here?

JC: iPods are pretty sweet. I have some Hendrix loaded onto mine that no one else has, because he never actually recorded it. I almost lost it though when they upgraded iTunes to Mac OSX. My poor little Tangerine iMac didn't have the memory for OSX, so I had to get one of the new ones that's just a screen with the computer inside. It's awesome, but now I have to learn InDesign, because Quark X-Press 6 is just too darn expensive.

SC: That's two things we have in common.

JC: I'm told it's pretty intuitive. Anyway, I also dig Sportscenter. I mean, I can see all the games of every sport anywhere in the world throughout history, but sometimes I think it's better to just have someone boil it down into highlights. Sometimes it's just not worth it to watch a three hour football broadcast for twelve minutes of actual action. And I've been bungee jumping a couple of times. The Cristo Redntor in Rio de Janiero has always been one of my favorites, and one day, I was watching The Duece and I saw Extreme Bungee Jumping, and a guy struck that same pose, and I thought "Hey, that looks like me!" It sure is a riot, man. Oh, and I love those pre-cooked chicken packages you can get and just pop in the microwave. Man, those things are versatile!

SC: Microwave chicken?

JC: Hey, I'm a busy man! Cut me some slack!

SC: Is there any final message that you’d like to give to the people who are reading this interview?

JC: Yes. Be good to each other, for Dad’s sake. Stop trying to weasel every nickel out of life, stop trying to screw each other over, stop trying to hurt people. And to the people at ABC Television, I have only five words; Alias. Renewed. Now. Or. Else.

SC: On behalf of the fans of the Smart Centipede, I’d like to say thank you, Jesus. Ashley Judd bless you.

JC: SIGH You just don’t get it, do ya?