Friday, June 08, 2007

Clown-Americans Still Not Accepted

Here at Smart Centipede, we are dedicated to expanding borders, enlightening our fellow man, and making the world a better place. It has recently come to our attention that there is a growing blight on society that needs to be addressed. There are some people who claim to suffer from a disorder known as Coulrophobia. This is, by definition, the fear of Clowns.

This has to stop, people. Clowns are people too. This mindless hatred and bigotry must be put to an end. Clown persecution must be eliminated.

Imagine, if you will, if I were to announce that I was suddenly afraid of Jews? Picture if you will: a crowded city street, and I suddenly break into hysterics at the sight of a Jew, weeping and hiding behind someone, screaming to "make the Jew go away." That didn't fly for Hitler, and rightly so. How much outrage would there be were I to suddenly be diagnosed with Mexicanophobia? What if I refused to help a customer because I was scared of African Americans? None of this would be viewed as socially acceptable. So why should Clowns be exposed to such vitriol, and unjustly scoffed and gawked at?

Clowns have been immigrating to America since the early 1800's. Their struggle to find employment, housing, and even social acceptance was titanic. It was a common sight in centennial America to see a Clown walk into an establishment and mocked by an ignorant public. In 1823, Dan Rice became the first Clown born in America. He rose to high social standing becoming friends with President Abraham Lincoln. He even ran for President in 1868, but the United States was not ready for Clown-equality. This fear and hatred of Clowns stems from a fundamental lack of understanding of Clown culture. In an attempt to clear some of the mystique, we present this brief overview of Clown culture.

Here we see a few members of a small Clown community. One of the village edlers, known in Clownese as a "Biggie Bobo," teaches young Clowns some traditional Clown construction techniques. Stilts being the prime export of Clownovia, these children are learning valuable skills that will help them later in live. Along with stilt construction, children also learn over-sized shoe making, squirting flower repair, and powder-puff maintenance. These essential skills are enhanced when the children enroll in one of the Vocational Schools that dot the landscape of Clownovia.

Here we see a newborn Clown. Will he find acceptance in this turbulent world, or will he be hated and feared like his bretheren? We can only hope he will find some semblence of a normal life here in the United States.

Some clowns are able to find acceptance, and even notoriety and fame. Ronald McDonald, spokesclown for the McDonalds franchise, was born Ronald "Sweet" Pickles as the only child of second generation Clown-Americans. Bouncing between odd-jobs for most of his twenties, he was working as a fry-cook for McDonalds (Clowns could often only find work "behind the scenes" where the public couldn't see them) and as the legend goes, on a slow day, he went out into the streets and danced to draw attention to the restaurant. The resultant influx of customers led the owners of the McDonalds franchise to rechristen him Ronald McDonald, and use Pickles as a spokesperson. The NAAClP (National Association for the Advancement of Clown People) later claimed McDonalds use of Pickles was a negative ethnic stereo-type, but Pickles refusal to testify at hearings would cripple their case. Many hard line Clown Rights advocates call Pickles an "Uncle Tutu," claiming that his pandering antics have set Clown Rights back decades, but many Clown-Americans see him as an inspiration for future generations.

"We face many obstacles in front of us," Gilbert "Hoopy Doopy" Duprey, President of the NAAClP, said from his office in Montgomery, Alabama. "Clown-Americans can do anything they want, anything they can dream of. A clown can become an actor, an astronaut, a professional athlete... who knows? Maybe someday soon America will be ready for a clown President!"