Wednesday, January 31, 2007

He's STILL more charismatic than I...

Ah know...

I'll keep you in the bedroom so long they'll put your face on the back of a milk carton...

Doesn't this just figure?

Because I'm just not getting enough chaos in my life, I've received a jury summons. NICE.

Monday, January 29, 2007

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Saturday, January 27, 2007

Isn't She Lovely?

I have come up with a name for my new lady. I have always loved the name Emily, and as such, that's what I'm calling my new "best girl."

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The name is Bond... James Bond...

WOW. Casino Royale was a bit long in the middle, but I have to say, it was my favorite of them all. I'll say more indepth at a more appropriate time.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Tagged? Damnit...

You ghastly Pork Sword.

I don't even know three people to tag who haven't been tagged already, so that part is dead. But you want to know five things about me that no one knows? Fine.

1. I have extraordinarily dry ears, as a result of my pathological obsession with using q-tips.

2. When I was 10 I shoplifted a toy Transformer watch from a Caldor-type store at the urging of one of my friends.

3. I threw said watch away after a week because of the guilt I felt.

4. I have never tried guacamole, although I continually tell people that I have tried it and hated it.

5. There is film of me eating dry dogfood as an infant.

The real sad thing is I don't know anyone else to tag, so I guess this branch dies here.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Wait, WHAT?!?

Found on MSNBC:

A 28 Year old Sacramento mother of three died of water intoxication in a contest, trying to win a Nintendo Wii for her children. She apparently drank about two gallons of water and it killed her.

Isn't this the same liquid they tell us to drink eight glasses a day of? Now it will kill you? Why is this the first I'm hearing about this?!?

How come those fat bastards can eat 81 hotdogs in a seven minute span and all they get is a spot on ESPN2, but this woman, trying to bring joy to her children, gets croaked by a couple of gallons of water?

I am officially converting to a life spent consuming 4 ounces of protein paste daily in my hermetically sealed plastic bubble.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Vehicular Hijinx

As you may or may not know (and if you're reading this, you probably know without HAVING to read this) I was involved in a car accident on December 30, 2006. My brother, survivor of the Great Buick Crash of Three Days Previous, was in the passenger seat.

Tommy, Ashley bless his adamantium laced skeleton and organic steel skin, is still fine. He's pulling dice-sized hunks of glass out of his scalp with pliers, but he's okay, other than he has a gap in his head where they stitched the glass in.

We had been marveling that day (and the days between the accidents as well as pretty much every other day) at how infathomably STUPID people are when they get behind the wheel of an automobile. There we were, leaving Wal*Mart, waiting at the light, when a douchebag in a Ford Explorer decides he can't stay away from the incredible bargains any longer than he has to, so he runs the red light to make a left on red.

He didn't make it. Oh, don't get me wrong, the piece of shit survived unhurt, I mean he didn't make the light, and all those impossibly low prices would remain out of his reach, at least for that night. The car that hit him didn't fare much better.

She hadn't even considered slowing down, I guess, once the light turned green, and locked her brakes up, laying down some of Detroit's finest rubber in a futile attempt to stop, but alas, one second I'm telling my brother "look at this asshole about to get hit" and the next, I'm starring in Sergio Leone's "A Chest Full of Airbag."

(Warning: Some injuries may have been photoshopped in for dramatic effect.)

I was taken to the hospital complaining of chest and back pain. My sternum was bruised, and that has healed nicely. My back, however, is another saga. Now I am out of work, and in pain. Even the slightest motion of my back causes some pain, and it looks like I'll be sidelined for a month at least in therapy, according to my doctor. I start Friday. My poor car, I found out the next day, is dead. The airbags deployed, which would cost me more than I paid for the car to get replaced, not to mention the hood is mashed into the engine, the lights are toast, the grill is gone, and the fenders are smashed in.

My poor, poor baby. But there has been some good come of this. Witht he arrival of my Letter of Appointment, I was able to get some of my father's affairs in order, and managed to pay off, insure, register, and finally claim the prize possession of my inheritance; my new Jeep.

I have yet to name her. Gretchen was German, but this new one is American made, so she needs an American name. I'll get a better feel for her personality over the next few weeks. Better photos to come, but I wanted to post this tonight. (And yes, I'm playing with my other toy, my digital camera. It was just time for me to rejoin the world of photography.)

So you're caught up.

I will bring order to my new empire...

That's right, I've joined the enemy. With the absurd price tag, ridiculous short sheeting, and murderous, jealous rage that the Playstation 3 has caused, I have decided to journey down the dark path. Is X-Box 360 stronger? No. Easier, more seductive, better on-line access. And I don't have to hire a body guard to get one.

So I've picked up Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter and Fable (yes, I bought an X-Box 360 and purchased an original X-Box game for it; and guess what, fuck-stick, it's still a cool game) and I have to tell you; compared to my 2nd gen PS2, this thing is HEAVY, it's LOUD, and it connected to my internet connection in a way that NEITHER PS2 ever could.

Once I pick up a copy of Gears of War, I look forward to bitch slapping my friend Bill on-line...