Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I guess it's not ALWAYS time to make the donuts...

OK, so being that my brother and I usually only spend time together during the week at dinner time, and given the fact that we are both fat bastards, our trips to the center of the fast food universe (a.k.a. Shirley, NY) are often followed up by my brother looking to score some Baskin Robbins mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Regardless of the temperature outside. It's ten degrees below zero? Let's get ice cream. Penguins just moved into the neighborhood? Let's get ice cream. Oxygen is spontaneously solidifying? Let's get ice cream.

So of course, I agree. Not for myself, mind you. I rarely touch the stuff when it's cold outside. But this Baskin Robbins is fused to the inside of a Dunkin Donuts like Kuato in Total Recall. So I like to grab a dozen donuts to snack on for the next few days/minutes. But the problem therein lies with the hour at which we arrive at the establishment. There is no such thing as fresh donuts at 7:45 PM. All the best ones are long gone.

Usually, my discussion with the clerk is such:

"I'd like a dozen donuts."

-mumbling and shuffling as the clerk constructs a box like David Copperfield, followed by a blank, acknowledgementless stare to indicate they are ready to take my order-

"I'd like two cinnamon... [looking around to see what they have left] no powdered, eh? Hmm... okay... I'll take two chocolate frosted... no, the ones without the dirt... okay... two pineapple filled... one sour cream and chives... a leak and potato cruller... one of the broccoli... one of those barbecued pork bear claws... one shaving cream eclair... how many does that leave?"

-Another mindless stare into the abyss of their wasted lives- "One."

"Okay... I guess... hmm... ah, just give me a plain."

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Smart Centipede: Good For You.

Warning: consult a physician before using Smart Centipede. Results may vary. You should not handle Smart Centipede if you are pregnant, or may become pregnant. In certain cases liver damage may result. Other side effects may include baldness, dizziness, headache, mild incontinence, hives, genital scabbing, fever, double vision, anal warts, dropsy, vertigo and anterograde amnesia. Smart Centipede is not for everyone. Children under the age of 4 should not take Smart Centipede. Tell a doctor if you are on Alpha blockers or other medicine for chest pain, as Smart Centipede may interfere with your ability to keep a straight face. If you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours, consult your wife and her know it all girlfriends. Smart Centipede is available by prescription only. Do not operate heavy machinery while using Smart Centipede. Best if taken with food.

Smart Centipede. When you're ready to laugh.


Heath Ledger, dead at 28. That sucks. He was a pretty decent actor, and he made the girls gooey in the groin. Another Hollywood star shows how fragile and tenuous life is.

Go easy, Heath.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

What the HELL I've been doing the past four weeks

Nille and I at my Aunt Alice's house for a sing along the weekend before Christmas. My family used to go to these constantly when me, my siblings, and my cousins were kids, which is the reason I first got drunk at age 12. Haven't been in a while. Fun.

"...and the moon shall be as blood..." the beginning of the end? Taken from CR 111 on Christmas Eve, on my way to enjoy Christmas Eve dinner at Al and Eleanor Hobbs' house (Nille's host parents)

Dakota and Jagger eagerly await raiding the living room and claiming their lucre.

Dakota reveling in her gift from Uncles; an electric guitar. It was later eclipsed by a Nintedo Wii, also from Uncles, but has gotten it's fair share of use. Look for her debut album sometime in 2014.

Jagger as Michael Jordan. Don't know what prompted this trend.

Ted got plates for his new Jeep that summed him up perfectly. 2175 is the length (in miles) of the Appalachian Trail, which he hiked. I couldn't DRIVE that far without needing some sort of hospital stay.

Carole got plates for HER new Jeep that summed her up perfectly as well.

Nille and I enjoying Christmas at my sister's house (despite the look on my face)

Christmas Night: Playing Kings (Clockwise from closest to me: Neighbor Rob, Ted, Neighbor Chris, The Big Guy, Cousin Beth)

Kings continued: (Rob, Tommy, Cousin Beth, Carole, Cousin Cathy)

Yet More Kings: (Carole, Cousin Cathy, Neighbor Ginny, Nille)

Tim, who feels a pathological need to call SOMEONE Mr. Beck at any given party, plays table Hockey against my cousin Jen

Nille and I at Ginny and Chris' house for New Years

The Boys in Charge

Ted and Jagger. Ted's glasses are prescription.

Military Experiment #1 gone wrong. I was stricken with a sudden case of gigantism. My brother looked on in horror as I was driven to blow a giant noise maker with my nose.

Military Experiment #2 gone wrong.

Proof that mental patients CAN play Guitar Hero III.

Bill and Janice treated us to a lovely dinner at City Crab the night before Nille had to go home. Despite the rumors and tabloid reports, none of us did, in fact, get crabs.

Posting Other People's Creativity... because I have none of my own at the moment...