Friday, May 18, 2007

The Colonel's "Original Recipe" Revealed

After decades of secrecy, the long sought after "secret recipe" of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Sanders has been liberated. Harland David Sanders, known by the loyal patrons of his chicken eatery as "The Colonel," (an honorary title which contradicts his army records which state that he never achieved a rank higher than private) died in 1980, losing a long battle with leukemia and hated rival/former underling Dave Thomas, who after running a number of KFC chains and inventing the paper chicken bucket, went on to found the Wendy's chain of restaurants. Both men are now dead, leaving only Bertrand "The Burger King" Kane as the sole survivor of the Trans-fat Trio still at large.

Following various health scares and numerous animal rights protests, undercover agents were sent to infiltrate the mysterious inner workings of the chicken enterprise. To date, several thousand individuals have been killed attempting to bring the secret recipe to light. On several occasions, people have claimed to have as many as eight of the "11 herbs and spices," but none ever lived to bring their findings to the public.

I am here today to share the horrific truth. I have no doubts that this will lead to my destruction, but it needs to be told.

The "Original Recipe" contains the following basic ingredients:

Sugar, Flour, Monosodium Glutamate (MSG), Salt

It also contains the "11 herbs and spices", which are, according to our research and classified documents liberated from several secluded "research" facilities, as follows:

1. Black Pepper. This is the most obvious of the spices, as it is clearly visible on the skin of the chicken.
2. Cassia. Miniscule traces of this Cinnamon-like spice are added to the mix in the last stages, enhancing the flavor and color of the skin.
3. Rosemary. This herb is a member of the mint family and is key in giving the chicken it's kick.
4. Black Cumin. A rounded taproot, this tastes like sweet chestnuts.
5. Star Anise. With the uprising of Avian Flu, the Star Anise was harvested to shortage for the Shikimic Acid it naturally produces, which is used in production of Tamiflu. Recently, alternative sources were discovered, and Star Anise is plentiful once again.
6. Mandrake Root. This root must, at the Colonel's insistance, be harvested by blind women, and one in every seven roots must be burnt in sacrifice to Odin.
7. Nickel. Classified as a spice by Colonel Sanders in April of 1973, nickel was introduced to the recipe for its ferromagnetic qualities, promoting bloodflow.
8. Rhinoceros Beetle Carapice. The Colonel's hope was that by ingesting the carapice of Rhinoceros Beetles, his patrons would gain proportionate strength, allowing them to kill off those not loyal to him.
9. Tears of Newborn Babies. Believed to be the first of the 11 herbs and spices to be added, Sanders had been in talks with several hospitals for secret placement of tear repositories, where doctors could store the initial tears of newborn infants.
10. 2-4 Diethyl-Propinmurinol. Recent studies by the FDA suggest this ingredient could be dangerous, but several key government officials have taken a sever interest in the studies, thereby ensuring their release will be delayed by decades.
11. Ragweed Pollen. Promotes stimulation of the salivary glands.

There you have it. The horrible truth. I may meet my end soon because of the knowledge I've shared with you here today, but they cannot hide it from us any longer. The world must know!

Well, I'm off to get one of those new Chicken and Biscuit bowls. Mmmmmmmmm.......