More "Best Of": Editorial: Five Speaks Out

Wed 29 Mar 2006

Editorial: Five Speaks Out

Posted by smartcentipede under Random Acts of Violins

(The Smart Centipede is proud to present this editorial from our special guest writer, the number Five. The views expressed in this editorial are those of the number Five only, and do not reflect the opinions of Smart Centipede.)

Hello. My name is Five. You may know me from such television shows at Babylon Five, Hawaii Five-Oh, and Party of Five. I’m here today on behalf of the Numeral System to adress a growing problem. In every system, there needs to be a set of checks and balances, something in place to ensure that the system continues to work as a cohesive unit. The Numeral System is no different. This editorial is also an intervention of sorts, because there is one of our own that needs a wake up call.
Six… you suck.

There, I’ve said it. Someone needed to. The rest of us have gotten together and discussed this thoroughly, and it was agreed that something needed to be done to stem the tide of unpleasantness we’ve been seeing. You’ve grown too big for your britches. Don’t think we’re just doing this to be mean. We care about you, and we think that it’s not too late to get you back on track. But something has to be done.

You are no better than the rest of us. Being the middle number, for a long time, I was the top dog, but you didn’t hear me shouting about it. But you’ve been insufferable. Early astronomers and philosophers believing there were only six planets was probably the worst thing that could have happened, because it was the start of your delusions of grandeur. And forget about the Imperial System vs. Metric System.



We all have our special qualities, Six. We’re tired of hearing about how much of a natural party animal you are just because beverages come in six packs. I mean, grow up, really. Three has a lot to be proud of too. Good things come in three. Third time’s the charm. I mean, hello, the Holy Trinity? But do you hear Three running around telling everyone how great he is? Hell, no.

Not everyone eats dinner at six. Some people eat at five. Some people eat as late as eight. And what about lunch? You don’t hear One or Two yapping in everyone’s ear about it, and that’s their busiest time.

Look, I know it’s your year, and we’re all entitled to a little extra attention when we’re sitting on that line. But the year is only three months old, and we’re already tired of your act.

And it’s not like you’ve been silent for ten years, either. Back in 2002, we threw a nice quiet little get together for Two, to celebrate the bookend deal, but you showed up drunk, hit on Three’s wife, and threw up all over Eight’s daughter. That was Two’s day, man, but you had to try and make it your show. You’re just lucky Three is such a religious man. If you pulled a move on Mrs. Five, you’d still be picking up your fucking teeth.

So save the chatter, you insufferable asshole. We’re not going to humor you anymore. We’re done calling you “Six Pack,” or “Half Dozen,” or “Deep Six.” Stop telling Three that you’re twice the man he is. You don’t have any special powers because of the whole 666-Satan thing. And believe me, no one wants to hear your off color German jokes about how much “you” you’re getting.

It’s not too late, man. We used to work well together. But quite frankly, it’s getting tough to stand next to you. If you want to take a deep breath and get back in touch with reality, then fine. But until you can prove you’re not such an asshole, stop following me.

Sincerely,

Five

P.S. Even Nine is tired of all the sex jokes, but he’s just too shy to say so.

(In reading this editorial, the management agrees. Six DOES suck.)