Friday, March 23, 2007

Family Bored By Overly Dramatic Eulogy

SPARKILL, NY - Several members of the Harris family reported severe boredom Thursday during a funeral service for Chester Harris. Harris, 86, died peacefully in his sleep sometime between 11:20 P.M. and 6:45 A.M. on Sunday.

Trouble began at the funeral when Harris' grandson, Mark Jaspers, asked if he could deliver the eulogy. Japsers, 22, requested that he be the one to deliver the final words at a small graveside service, and Harris' wife, Beulla McCutcheon-Harris, agreed.

"Markie is such a sensitive young boy," the widow explained, "he has such a gift with words. I didn't know things would take such a macabre turn."

An undergrad student attending NYU, Jaspers is a Theatre major, but he is minoring in Writing. With his grandfather's passing, he saw an opportunity to share his talent with the world. Starting with Holy Sepulchre Cemetary in Sparkill, New York.

"When I heard Mark wanted to say the eulogy, I was touched," said Jaspers' second cousin, Kelly-Ann DiPietro. "I know he goes to school for writing, so I figured he would be the perfect choice. I wish I knew then what I know now. It was so long winded."

"I am always very proud of Mark," said Gwendolyn Jaspers, mother of Mark and daughter of Chester. "Ever since he was a little boy, he has always had such a creative spirit. My father loved Mark very much, and I know he would have been moved by Mark's words. I don't think even he would have guessed how much Mark had to say. How very, very much Mark had to say."

Jaspers' speech, which lasted an interminable nineteen minutes and thirty two seconds, touched on a variety of tedious topics, such as childhood memories shared between grandfather and grandson, various hobbies, cliched poetic and religious quotations, and a number of anecdotes only tangientally connected to the eldest Harris.

"When Mark told us the story of his grandpa teaching him to tie his shoes, I was crying," recalled Dolores Kelly, Jaspers' aunt on his father's side. "But do we really need to hear about his coin collection? Or his love of fly fishing? Jeez, Mark, wrap it up."

Jaspers speech was further drawn out by long pauses as the boy turned and wept on the casket of his grandfather, much to the chagrin of the assembled, bored masses.

"Kid's a real wuss bag," Danny Halloran, boyfriend of Jaspers' cousin, Hilary Harris, reported. "I didn't know the old guy, but I'm glad he wasn't alive to hear this complete snore-fest."

Mourners seemed to be in agreement that Jaspers not be allowed to read at their own respective funerals.

"Fag," Halloran added.