Sunday, September 30, 2007

Stop Dragon My Heart Around...

Dragon Wars - a.k.a. D-Wars (the D stands for assinine!)

I know there are Koreans out there who are defending this movie as the best thing to come out of Korea in a long time, and the number one grossing movie in Korea. Personally, I don't think that's something to be proud of.

This movie was simply awful. I tried to give it a decent chance. I swear. But the acting was painful to watch. Jason Behr looks like a poor man's Milo Ventimiglia. A VERY poor man. I'd rather watch Hayden Christensen read Mad Libs for 90 minutes. And he was one of the better ones. None of them, not a one, could muster any sort of sympathy, pathos, feeling from me. The CGI might be the best ever from Korea, but I've had more fun watching cut scenes in video games.

The plot was confusing. I know there were two dragons, one good, one evil. They were trying to get the Yu-Gi-Oh, or something like that, to turn into a real dragon and get to heaven (why an evil dragon wants to go to heaven is something for future generations to discuss). But assuming the good one got up there the first time, what happens to the bad one? It seemed to me like the good one wasn't about to jump in back in 1507 to fight the bad one, so if the sacrifice had worked, and the good dragon got to Heaven, what happens to the bad one? I guess it's tough luck, humans, try your best to invent the gigantic mongoose before Imoogi-Vader eats you all.

The D in the abbreviated title stands for Deux Ex Machina. As in, man, things are stuck, so let's kick the pinball machine and get the film going again.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of the old stranger I met who happened to give me an invulnerability necklace... oh yeah, that old guy just showed up to give us a ride... oh yeah, my television camera man friend has an internet scanning program that can find every 19 year old woman named Sarah with a dragon tattoo in the LA area... oh yeah, the random guy who just walked over to my desk just happened to have seen the exact woman I am looking for, saving me from visiting 2700 girls before a giant snake thing turns the LA Zoo into a buffet... oh yeah, I happen to have a professor friend who can make you remember your past lives...

The script on this thing was, I am convinced, written by a pair of eight-year-olds who happened to tip over their toy box one day.

Kid 1: "My guy is a ninja warrior who was trained by a master with magical powers who flies."

Kid 2: "Oh yeah? Well, my guy is a bad guy with a sword that grows when he wants it to, like on Thundercats. And he has an army of armored ninjas."

Kid 1: "Oh yeah? Well, my guys have cannons on the walls of their fortress, and they can blow up your guys from a mile away."

Kid 2: "Well, my guys have dragons that can fly. And other dragons that have rocket launchers on their backs."

Kid 1: "Nu-uh!"

Kid 2: "Uh-huh!"

Kid 1: "Well, there's a big dragon that lives in the water that will help my guys."

Kid 2: "Yeah, but my dragon got there first, and ate your ninja."

Kid 1: "No, because he jumped to his death and got reborn 500 years later as that guy from Heroes. And he has a magic necklace that makes him bulletproof, and the army helps him."

Kid 2: "That's cheating!"

It was worth spending the 10 bucks on, because I'll always know how bad a movie this is. If I hadn't, I'd have always wondered if it had any merit. I paid the 10 bucks to find out it DIDN'T.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Jose Reyes Seeks Playoffs, Courage

The New York Mets game against the Florida Marlins was interrupted today when Mets shortstop Jose Reyes and Marlins catcher Miguel Olivo tusseled on field in the bottom of the fifth inning. Olivo was upset that his shortstop, Hanley Ramirez, had been struck by a pitch in the fourth that umpires ruled to be a foul ball, not a hit-by-pitch.

When relief pitcher Harvey Garcia threw a retaliation pitch behind Mets second basemen Luis Castillo, Garcia was warned, and went on to walk the batter. Miguel Olivo then went to the mound when his manager came out for a pitching change. Reyes, standing on third after the attempted beaning, apparently got into a verbal altercation with Olivo, although both men insisted the other provoked the confrontation. Reyes stated he thought Olivo was joking and said "you want to fight me?" When Reyes allegedly answered "yes," Olivo charged, heading straight towards Reyes.

Mets Third Base coach, Sandy Alomar Sr., saw Olivo charging, and stepped in front of his player, seeking to halt a physical confrontation before it began. Reyes, currently leading the majors with 78 stolen bases and considered one of the keys to the Mets future hopes at a Championship, reacted as any six year old girl would react in this situation; he grabbed his coach by the shirt and hid behind him, holding his coach at arms length and pointing him at the charging catcher.

As Olivo attacked, Reyes allowed his elderly base coach to take a shot to the head meant for him, and then, after several players got between them, proceeded to "attempt" to get to Olivo. His attempts waned rather quickly when he was embraced by Marlins third baseman Miguel Cabrera, giving up his "struggle" after only a few moments. Olivo, meanwhile, needed several players to restrain him.

Olivo was ejected for fighting, Reyes remained in the game. After several minutes, the game resumed, and Mets pitcher John Maine managed to get past the side show to pitch seven and a third innings of no hit ball before finally giving up an infield single to Olivo's replacement. The Mets won the game, 13-0, and regained their first place tie with Philadelphia with one game to go.

Reyes had originally intended spending the off-season working out, but his new itinerary now includes a trip to Emerald City, where he hopes the strange and powerful Wizard of Oz can give him some courage. Also included in the trip plan are teammates Lastings Milledge, who is seeking a brain, and Paul LoDuca, who creaks when he walks like a shambling tin golem.

"Oil can," LoDuca was quoted as saying through a rusted jaw.

Ready... Set...


Here are my thoughts on the wide and vaired state of the world since my last steady stream of posting. If you are offended easily, smile and walk away. I'm angry, I'm in pain, I'm tired, and I don't give a rat's ass who doesn't like me.

Michael Vick? You're a fucking animal. You're not sorry you were torturing, fighting and ultimately killing dogs; you're sorry you got CAUGHT torturing, fighting and ultimately killing dogs. That's the "culture" of the South? Y'know, seems to me that the culture of The South used to be to hang boys like you from the nearest tree instead of paying them millions of dollars to throw a football (poorly, at that). I think it was a pretty good idea that they stopped that tradition. Maybe now you'll decide that the life of an innocent creature is more important that the fucking boner you get seeing blood spilled. The only reason I don't want to see you stripped down to your ashy ass, have your fingers duct taped into fists, slathered in country gravy, and be put in a pit with 15 hungry dogs is that I don't want to see 15 dogs being kept hungry. I hope you get gang raped in the prison shower, asshole. Hopefully his cellmate will drown him in the fucking toilet for "lack of performance."

Fidel Castro? Fucking die already. Your own people want you dead. No one wants you alive. Everyone is happy you are sick and dying. So just kick off already. You are a relic and an antiquated concept whose time has come and passed. You suck. Dude, people get on planks from the outhouse and swim across a fucking ocean just for a chance to not sleep where you live. Your shit canal is as inflammed as your ego, and it's time for you to take the dirt nap. No one loves you Fidel, they only love that you're not currently shooting them.

George Bush? You too, dickhead. You are the presidential equivalent of that video of the monkey sticking his finger up his own ass and passing out after sniffing it. You are the perfect example of the idiot American. You are the answer to the question of what would have happened had your one-term-serving asshole Dad had been shot and Dan Quayle been given the keys to the U.S. car. Get the fucking troops out of the Middle Fucking East and settle down to your post-presidential life of Mad-Libs and chocolate milk and just get the fuck off my White House lawn. You stole the fucking election, you stole our fucking country, you stole eight years of my fucking life worrying about if my niece and nephew would have a country to grow up in. I can't believe you haven't been fucking assassinated yet. Actually, it makes perfect sense; the government only allows Presidents to be assassinated if they have the power to make the world a better place, like Lincoln and JFK, and you have about as much power as the glow in the dark magnet that my cesspool cleaners gave us after our last septic clog. You remind me of the smell of that day too. You are a joke, the punch line to a long line of Leaders-of-the-Free-World, the shit-stain on the couch of U.S. Government.

Mark Ecko? You are a huge piece of retarded shit. Like, tremendous. Like, hangover-black, stinking like Taco Bell, holy-Christ-that-burns shit with extra corn. The game of professional baseball has been around for 130+ years. You are not the one who needs to make it all better. You coughed up $752,467 so you can let "the public" decide the fate of the Barry Bonds record breaking homerun ball. I guarantee you that that poll was rigged so Ecko can pretend he cares about the impact of steroids on baseball, or ANYTHING about baseball itself, other than how many fans are wearing his sweatshirts. Awww, Mr. Sewing-my-little-outfits-so-I-can-be-a-rich-guy doesn't like that Bonds might have taken steroids? He didn't even care enough to make a stand HIMSELF, he just stands like the dim-witted blonde cock-tease at a high school party enjoying the attention, says "we'll let the internet decide". Since when has the public ever known what's best for itself, and since when is the internet considered a reliable voice for the public? I only wish I had had the time to sit there and click "Shoot it into space" 7,000,000 times so that this whiny douche had to spend more money getting the ball into orbit. Hey, Marky, while you're letting the internet decide how to spend your money, I think I'll start and let the world decide if it's a good idea. Of course, only people with the right IP address (MINE) will be allowed to vote, you faux-democracy supporting dickhead.

Illegal Immigrants? Don't go home, whatever you do. Going home would be too good for you. Burn in fucking Hell, that's what I'd prefer. You like my country? COME HERE LEGALLY. Don't sneak in on the back of a fucking truck, hide like a rat in the fucking sewers, and then dare to bitch that I won't cash your fucking third party check without checking for proper identification. If I suspect you are illegal, guess what? I INTENTIONALLY make your transaction more difficult. Why make your life easier because you hopped the fence to get in when my ancestors had to come in legally? I have lived in this country for 33 fucking years, and you already have more money than I do, don't pay taxes, take MY taxes for your fucking welfare, which you don't deserve and yet somehow qualify for even though you make more money than I do, and get all snippy when I don't speak your fucking language. FUCK YOU. You want me to speak Spanish? "Chingas tu madre, puto." What's that? You've gone through the correct legal channels to get to my country, and are eager to work and pay taxes and live like an American? Welcome, my tan skinned brothers and sisters! Your friend, who is a "temporary visitor" for the ninth year in a row who cannot be BOTHERED to better himself enough to learn how to speak the language of the country he is squatting in? "Te voy a culear con odio hasta que te salga espuma de las tapas, maricon."

O.J. Simpson... brother, are you fucking kidding me? You are by far the densest asshole I have ever admired. Your football talents were amazing, I loved you in the Naked Gun: Police Squad trilogy, and I eagerly anticipate watching you weep openly in court when you lose what's left of your freedom after pulling the greatest escape from Justice in recent history. You stupid asshole. I understand that when you find a quarter in the street you have to give it to the Goldman's, and that sucks, man. But what kind of moron do you have to be, knowing that 90% of Americans already think you're a murderer walking free thanks to your "What-if" confession book, to even so much as jaywalk, let alone commit armed robbery? You dumb mother fucker. See ya, juice. Johnny Cochraine is looking down, shaking his head, chuckling "if the asshole won't learn, he's gonna have to burn."

Demi Moore's daughter/son Rumer? The blonde thing doesn't help. You still look like a freak.

Old people? Fuck you. We're not in "your day." In the present, we have things that you don't understand, we have things that you could have never dreamt of. GET OVER YOURSELF. The fact that you were alive before the internet doesn't mean that it is worthless. Things change. Stop complaining, stop using your age as an excuse to be rude to people. Be grateful that we don't live in a world where we slaughter old people because they can no longer produce.

Everyone on the road who drives like you're on your own private autobahn? FUCK YOU TWICE. If I'm in the left hand lane doing sixty in a fifty five, and you come up behind me flashing your lights, the next six seconds will be spent deciding whether I should slow down or throw a fucking tack hammer through your windshield. Regardless, the last thing I will do is get out of your way. Oh, and stop running red lights. TRUST me, you're NOT as important as you think you are, and if you think you're going to be five minutes late, LEAVE FIVE MINUTES EARLY, YOU GIANT DOUCHE BAG. Stop endangering my life, and the lives of those around me, because you like to go fast. If I have the chance, I will attempt to cause you to have an accident. I will bounce a ball in the road if I hear you speeding near my house just to make you think a child may run out after it. I will throw sticks in the road that, if driven over at high speeds, will bounce up and hit your wheel wells, and if you stop to yell at me, I will throw dog shit at your miserable heads. Stop reading while you drive. Stop using your cell phone while you drive. Stop diapering your children while you drive. Stop being an asshole while you drive, or just drive into a fucking bridge and get it over with. Speaking of which, STOP SLOWING DOWN TO RUBBERNECK AT AN ACCIDENT. You are a reviled asshole who gets a boner over someone else's misfortune, and I swear to God, if it wasn't for fear of incarceration, I would run you the fuck off the road INTO the bridge, so people could stop and look at you and gawk. Think about people stopping to watch you sitting on the side of the road holding a blood soaked rag to your forehead. And if you said "that'd be okay, because they are concerned," FUCK YOU, YOU LYING ASSHOLE.

Thanks! Have a good day!