Monday, April 23, 2007

A-Rod: I've Pretty Much Mailed It In Until Now

NEW YORK - Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez admitted yesterday that his efforts have been sub par since coming to play for New York. Acquired in a trade from the Texas Rangers for second baseman Alfonso Soriano and pitcher Joaquin Arias, Rodriguez has been the target of much derision among New York Yankee fans and baseball fans in general.

The highest paid player in baseball, the slacking Rodriguez, known to fans as A-Rod, signed a record breaking 10-year quarter of a billion dollar deal with the Texas Rangers in 2000, a contract that only the financially corpulent Yankees organization could dare take on. While his numbers have been some of the best in baseball, the fans have failed to embrace the slugger, especially after he, like the rest of his team, lost their stride in the 2004 playoffs, and suffered the worst collapse in professional sports history, losing the ALCS to hated rival Boston, despite having a commanding 3-0 lead in the series.

His poor playoff performance in both the 2005 and 2006 playoffs have likewise served to be the cause of much ire among New York faithful. In the past 12 post season games, Rodriguez has hit a pathetic 4-41 (.098) and has not had a single RBI in that span.

But this season, Rodriguez is tearing up the field like a man on a mission. "I may get up earlier than any other major league player," Rodriguez explained, "but once I got to the ballfield, it was all daydreamin' and wool gathering. I sometimes fell asleep in the dugout during those hot August games. But this year, I've decided to give the fans everything I've got. I've been playing at about 30, 35%. This year, I'm upping my output to 70% of my true potential."

The results are apparent: through 17 games, Rodriguez has clubbed 12 homeruns, driven in 31 RBI, and his batting average is a torrid .371. "I'm turning it up a notch. Back in my first full year in the majors, I played at about 80%, and hit 36 HR and drove in 123 RBI. I said to myself, 'Whoa, Alex, let's not get carried away.' So I dialed it down a bit, to about 60%. Next season, the numbers showed my decrease in effort, but then in my third year, my numbers crept up again. I actually had to slack off a bit more just to keep my power numbers down. I think by the last year in Seattle, I was playing at about 40%."

Despite his incredible regular season statistics and the fact that he owns several prestigious records and awards, Rodriguez was adamant about playoff time. "Hey, in the playoffs, everything changed. Everyone is more intense, and the mood just gets all icky. I felt really bad for the Red Sox in '03," Rodriguez said, crushing coal into diamonds outside his locker. "They always try so hard, and then [ALCS hero] Aaron Boone has to go and kick them when they're down. Not nice. You could just see the sadness in their eyes. So I decided to give them a little pep me up the next year. I told the guys to take it easy on them, let them get a little confidence, but they wouldn't hear of it. So I had to pull out all the stops. A couple of key errors later, and things were looking rosier for them. When I saw [ALCS Game 6 Red Sox pitcher Bronson] Arroyo trying to tag me, I figured I'd do something childish and immature, totally beneath a professional of my skill and stature, to light a fire under them. Well, lo and behold, they came back to win the series, and ended up winning the World Series that year! Good for them!"

But now Rodriguez says all bets are off. "We got off to a bit of a slow start, so I decided to pump up my game to a new level. I'm here to win, at least until the playoffs come around again." Rodriguez laid out a carefully composed schedule of hitting streaks, game winning dramatics, and inspirational rallies he has planned for the team. "It's so much more dramatic to come from behind, and let the Red Sox get ahead of us. Rest assured, when the chips are down, the Yankees will be there to stumble at the last minute, giving hope to some other AL team in the final days of the playoffs. I'm thinking Oakland needs a break this year," Rodriguez said. "All the criticisms, all the boos, all the death threats, they're worth it when you get to look across the field and see all the smiling happy faces of those other players."

"They're all very special little guys," Rodriguez said, clutching a handkerchief to his moistened eyes.

Friday, April 20, 2007

A Sense of History...

Recent efforts have unearthed this photo, the earliest known relative in the Beck family tree. According to the legends, Kennisaw "Wide Jowels" Beck was a Civil War Profiteer who lost most of his family fortune gambling. Known for his inept card playing, he managed to make ends meet swindling widows out of their land.

It is known that the Beck family tree spreads it's roots farther back than this, however. This painting, found in the caves at Lascaux clearly depicts a native of astonishing girth complaining of lower back pain, a clear indication that this is an ancestor of mine.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Technical Foul...

He Bangs, He Bangs... (oh, c'mon, you know you were thinking it)

"You had a hundred billion ways to have avoided today, but you decided to spill my blood," said Cho Seung-hui. "You forced me into a corner and you gave me only one option, but the decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that will never wash off."

Uhhhh... okay, dude, you lost me.

You felt alienated because you were made fun of? Because people mocked the way you speak? Because you didn't have money? Welcome to the club, dickweed. (I have had a girlfriend I wanted to kill, but that was while we were actually going out).

Just so all the aspiring School Shooters out there don't get the wrong message; this does not make you cool. This will not get your message across, unless your message is "I'm a maladjusted whiny douchebag who can't cope with my own shortcomings and have no sense of personal responsibility," in which case this will probably do the job nicely.

All this dumb bastard did was make himself even MORE reviled than he already was, and prove that the Manifesto-Writing class at Virginia Tech needs an over haul.

Congrats, dumbass, you're one of the most hated retards in America. I'm glad you're dead. Say hi to all the other little pissants in that same circle of Hell reserved for people who think they're more notorious than they actually are.

The High Holy Day...

Rejoice, my fellow Juddites, it is the birthday of our Goddess, the perfect worshipfulness that is Ashley Judd.

In the spirit of such a joyous day, I present the following image of our perfection given human form. Enjoy!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A Day At The Beach...

Submitted for your enjoyment... a storm tossed day at the beach, courtesy of my digital camera.


Saturday, April 14, 2007

Dum de duuuuuuum dum.... SCIENCE!

Apparently, this is what passes for medicine these days.

With the progress on my back slowing to the point where I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be pain free, I have been open to any new procedures that I can find in my quest to stand erect without agony. My acupuncturist recommended a procedure known as cupping, which I am told by my dear sister is something Gwyneth Paltrow herself engages in (I know I wouldn't mind "cupping" Gwyneth). The long and the short of it is the doctor puts a plastic cup on my back and uses a pump to evacuate the air, pulling the skin up into the cup. He then rubs this vigorously up and down the problem areas, which serves to draw copious amounts of blood to the surface, nourishing the muscle tissue and promoting healing. In the meantime, my brother is making cracks about the tire tracks in My Cousin Vinny, and I feel like someone filmed the newest the Fast and the Furious on my back ("The Fast and The Furious: Spare Tire" coming soon to an iMax theatre near you).

I have to tell you, though, I have complete trust in my acupuncturist. I never would have thought there could be ANY improvement in my back just from sticking pins in my skin, but I feel it has helped more than the physical therapy.

And on a final note, I would apologize for exposing any of my doughy, flaccid torso to you, but I'm fairly certain that you were already warned in the Terms of Service Agreement that such a showing might happen.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

More "Best Of": Animals vs. Sex Euphamisms

Wed 14 Dec 2005

It’s time for another exciting episode of Animal Names vs. Sex Organ Euphemisms!

Okay, contestants…
is it A.) an actual animal name, or B.) a euphemism for sex organs

1. Auger-headed gut wrench

2. Bald-headed hermit

3. Bearded clam

4. Bed snake

5. Blind snake

6. Box jellyfish

7. Bush rusher

8. Carpet shark

9. Chin-strap penguin

10. Clown stink bug

11. Cock-of-the-rock

12. Crotch mackerel

13. Dik-dik

14. False heath fritillary butterfly

15. Firm worm

16. Furback turtle

17. Gutted hamster

18. Hairy-nosed wombat

19. Hoopoe

20. Kookooyumyumpoon

21. Lady dagger

22. Lumpsucker

23. Muzzled bulldog

24. One-eyed hip snake

25. Oxpecker

26. Pale chub

27. Pocket gopher

28. Porkfish

29. Purple-headed belly ripper

30. River cooter

31. Schipperke

32. Schnickel

33. Smew

34. Smoo

35. Splooge moose

36. Stinkpot

37. Tang fish

38. Throat spackler

39. Trouser trout

40. Woolen bivalve

Answers are below.
Rate your score:

1-10 correct = Way to go, Chicken Choker. Watch the fucking Discovery channel once in a while, so you can at least know which of these are animals, instead of pulling your pud looking at the underwear section of your mom’s Sears catalogue.

11-20 correct = Not bad, Cocker Spankiel. You probably knew more of the sex euphemisms than the animal names, because you probably don’t watch the Discovery Channel except to look for native ginch. But do you even know what euphemism means?

21-30 correct = Pretty clever, Hump Monkey. You probably some wrong because you thought they were ALL sex organ euphemisms. But there’s a good chance you’ve actually hunted some of them.

31-39 correct = Nice job, Brainy Beaver. The few that you got wrong have only given you something new to search for on your next scrunt hunt!

40 correct = Congratulations, Smellyfish. But chances are you only got them all right because you knew exactly which ones were animals and eliminated the rest. You watch way too much Discovery Channel, and you need to get laid, nerd!

Eht slamina era xis, thgie hguorht nevele, neettriht, neetruof, neetnin, ytnewt-owt, ytnewt-evif hguorht ytnewt-thgie, ytriht, ytriht-eno, dna ytriht-eerht.
Eht gnals snagro era eno hguorht evif, neves, evlewt, neetfif hguorht neethgie, ytnewt, ytnewt-eno, ytnewt-eerht, ytnewt-ruof, ytnewt-enin, ytriht-owt, dna ytriht-ruof hguorht ytrof, hguohtla yna fo eseht nac ylisae eb desu sa seman rof sexob dna seskcoc.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Sunday Night at the iTunes Store...

Don Imus' Playlist

"To Be Racist" (Track 1): "Macka B is a spook genius!"

"White America" (Track 2): "Eminem sounds just like one of them coloreds!"

"Nappy Headed Blues" (Track 3): "I can't get enough of Bobby Grant. Only an old school darkie can sing the blues like that!"

"I'm A Moron" (Track 4): "Very soothing. Mike Schmid speaks to me in a way that only another fucking dipshit idiot could understand."

"Me and My Big Mouth" (Track 5): "Little Charlie and the Nightcats are perfect for when I'm trying to think up new ethnic slurs for young college students!"

"Off the Air" (Track 6): "I love the Virginia Coalition. Sounds like one of them chocolate-lovin' equal rights groups!"

"Foot In Mouth" (Track 7): "Listen to the guitar picking Magda Hiller does. Reminds me of pickin' cotton!"

"Senile Dementia" (Track 8): "Nothing fuels my hatred of those coons like some Benediction thrash metal!"

"Hoes in my Room" (Track 9): "Ludacris is a poet, very talented... for an inferior species."