Friday, August 20, 2010

Know The Score

Life can be pretty tough. It’s difficult to know who you can trust. Ever since the first time someone told a lie (Psst! Hey, Eve, I bet you could eat this and the big guy wouldn’t even notice, and it’d probably be good in a pie) we’ve struggled with the balance between telling the truth and the fact that our taxes are just too high. Even those traditionally held in the highest moral esteem (the clergy) have been lying for generations (or paying altar boys in Snickers bars to lie for them). And the ones whom we count on to enforce the laws that keep us honest are held in the lowest moral esteem (politicians).

I propose the following: every person is to be fitted with a holographic projector attached to their forehead. Compact and light weight, constructed of the cutting edge in space-age composites, this holographic projector would be powered by a combination of green power sources, such as body heat, motion, and solar energy. It would be free to have installed and free to have repaired. This holographic projector would have one purpose and one purpose only; displaying your humanity score.

Your Humanity Score would be computed automatically, displaying how much of a saint or a prick you really are. Good deeds would increase your score, bad deeds would diminish it. Real time results would flash over the score, like in a video game; get a cat out of a tree, and a (+1) would float up from your projector, and be added to your score, accompanied by a pleasant little “DING!” Steal a lollipop from a baby? A glowing red (-5) would jump out along with a diabolical crash of piano keys.

Sort of like a karmic credit score. It would sure make things a lot easier.

Picture it: You wake up in the morning, and catch the subway to work. You’re standing in the middle when you see a guy nod a greeting to you. He seems pretty friendly, but his score shows a -450. He’s looking to take your wallet, so you move to a different part of the subway.

You get to work and your secretary hands you a report. The glowing +5 over her head means that the TPS Report you’ve been avoiding all week is finished.

You head to the bar after work and see a beautiful blonde smiling at you. She seems interested in you, but her -100 tells you she’s just interested in your bank account. You choose the girl next door with the glowing 300 over her noggin.

The score should dictate status in society. You can cut in line over people with a lower score, because you’re legitimately better than they are! Elections would be a snap. People with higher numbers would be rewarded for their good deeds.

There would have to be some sort of sliding system, though. People who donate things other people gave them to charity solely because they can use it as a tax write-off can’t get as many points as someone who works a double shift to put their kid through college. Likewise, I’d hate to see equal punishment for a serial rapist and a naughty lil’ minx who’s just thinking about what she’d like to do to you when she gets you between the sheets. Maybe the minor, good natured offenses can be in bright orange?

But I’m sure that someone somewhere would find a way to mess with it. I suppose the first people to hack it would figure a way to reverse the scoring system, and give themselves plusses for negative deeds. They’d then sell the hacking service to the wealthiest people, increasing their own scores along the way.

Man, evil pricks screw everything up. I give up. I’ll be at the bar, looking for a red-head with blinking bright orange -1’s over her head whenever she smiles and looks at me.