Monday, October 29, 2007

The (not so) Long Wait Is Over!

The Boston Red Sox charged the mound yesterday, screaming, shouting, throwing their gloves in the air. Champaigne was wheeled into the locker room, Theo Epstein hugged John Henry, and fans all over Boston let out a great cry of joy, as long time Red Sox radio announcer Joe Castiglione delivered the good news:

"Celebrate, Boston; A-Rod has opted out of his Yankee contract!"

Minutes later, the team managed to compose themselves, and continue playing in Game 4 of the 2007 World Series, which they won, sweeping the Cinderella story Colorado Rockies, who upon making it to the World Series for the first time in their 15 year history, transformed into so much pumpkin.

After the game, players were jubilant. "Yeah, we never gave up hope, we always believed he would opt out of his contract and become a free-agent," first baseman/circus strongman Kevin Youkilis said between swigs of champaigne. "It's a long schedule, and we just kept trying, going out on the field and playing the game, and waiting to hear the news that greedy asshole number one, [Yankees owner Goerge Steinbrenner] is losing the services of greedy ass-hole number two [former Yankee thirdbaseman Alex Rodriguez. Our patience and hard work finally paid off. We did this for the fans in Boston, who deserve this. No other town has such great fans who love their team and hate A-Rod and the Yankees."

The sweep of the Colorado Rockies makes it eight straight World Series games that the Red Sox have won. Their last loss came in October of 1986, when they lost game 7 of the World Series to the New York Mets, the same year an 11 year old Alex Rodriguez opted out of his paperboy route with the Westminster Daily Dispatch to sign a three year deal to deliver copies of the Dade County Register for 15¢ an hour more.

"It's simply amazing, what these guys have accomplished," Manager Terry Francona said yesterday to reporters. "Four years ago, the curse was still alive and well, A-Rod was still with the Rangers, and the Yankees were still a pack of douche bags. Now, we've broken the curse to win two of the past four World Series, A-Rod has come and gone, and the Yankees are still a pack of douche bags."

David "Big Papi" Ortiz, Red Sox first baseman/designated hitter/pimp daddy, was overjoyed. "As a fellow Dominican, I am bery bery happy that Alex Rodriguez has opted out of his Yankee contract. We hope to have him play for our team, but as long as he's not playing for the Yankees, that is bery bery good."

"I'd love to have him join our team," Red Sox left fielder/Mrs. Butterworth stunt double Manny Ramirez said, smiling as players dumped beer over his already disgustingly crusted hair. "I love it even more that he is not playing with the Yankees no more."

The Colorado Rockies, however, were inconsolable. "It's hard," Rockies left fielder Matt Holliday said, shaking his head. "We had such a good run through the playoffs, seemed like nothing could stop us... then you get an eight day layoff and BAM! A-Rod makes his decision. I just find it hard to take this as good news, especially since we never really play the Yankees. I mean, the closest we came to this kind of joy was when we found out Bonds wasn't coming back to the Giants, but let's face it, he's just about washed up, and the Giants are doormats anyway."

"Watching a hated rival team lose their best player because of greed is one of the greatest thrills in sports," Rockies first baseman Todd Helton said, "and I just hope that this team will work hard next year so that we can enjoy the kind of spiteful glee that the Red Sox are enjoying right now."

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Comedy Central

A TV Guide style "Jeers" to Comedy Central for their showing of Shaun of the Dead last night from 1 to sometime after 3:30.

I had heard great things about this movie, and I am happy to report that it was worth the praise. Funny stuff. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost were brilliant. There were excellent performances by Penelope Wilton and Bill Nighy as Pegg's mom and step dad, and the rest of the cast gave it the very dark humor that has gained this movie a huge cult following.

My jeers is to the fact that this movie (99 minute run time) took nearly three hours to view, because every five minutes, Comedy Central bent over like the corporate whore they are to give advertising time to ExtenZe Male Enhancement Tablets and Girls Gone Wild videos. Seriously, there were scenes, individual scenes, interrupted TWICE by commercial breaks.

How are you supposed to get involved in a movie when everytime you begin to make a connection with one of the characters, you have to pause and hear some over sexed cock wipe talking about how much larger his "certain part of the body" is? They won't even say Penis. Even the "doctor" who appears in these commercials says "that certain part of the male body". I'm watching a movie in which one of the main characters asks "can I get any of you cunts a drink?" and then I have some decrepit doctor in my face every five minutes afraid to say schlong?

I almost stopped watching it, because if I had to hear that dim bitch say "male enhancement? You mean, bigger muscles?" I was going to put my fist through some drywall. And Girls Gone Wild... seriously, folks, just get some actual honest-to-goodness porn. This soft core shit doesn't mean you're any "cleaner" or "more wholesome" than anyone else; you're still flogging dolphin to naked people on video, it just doesn't involve penetration (from what I have heard; I would never watch such wanton debauchery). What, because these are actual girls from the public instead of porn starlets, you think you actually have any more chance of banging them? Wipe the cheetos from your Babylon 5 t-shirt, recycle those Mr. Pibb cans and use the nickels to get a clue. These women don't have sex with guys that buy the videos they are featured in. I know, believe me. They told me during the orgy.

Friday, October 26, 2007


Today will be a dramatic day filled with epic changes.

Tune in later to see if I was right.

Monday, October 22, 2007

so weak... must... drink... clear liquids...

So, the people at Medical Arts Radiology have me scheduled for a CT Myelogram tomorrow. What this means is I am going to have a needle filled with something call packopaque injected into my spine, and then be thrown into a cat scan so they can see what is going on with my back.

I'm told the injection is supremely painful. I hate that. But I also hate being in constant pain and not able to function like a normal human being. They told me for the two days preceeding the test, I am unable to take painkillers. So I have been sans my little helpers since Saturday night. I hate that MORE.

But you know what REALLY sucks right now? They have me on a clear liquids only diet since last night. I have had nothing but water for the past 24 hours. As a fat guy, this is a supreme crisis.

I'm fucking starving right now! I stuck a clean spoon into a gallon of ice cream, pulled it out slowly so there was no ice cream on it, and then licked it, just for some flavor. This is killing me.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen if I should eat? I get sick tomorrow when they inject me with their magical potion? If I knew that was the ONLY bad thing that could happen, I'd pig out right now, and just bring a mop and bucket with me tomorrow.

Being a fat guy means eating CONSTANTLY. This is a bad, bad time, folks. The only time I've EVER gone more than 24 hours without food was the two times I had to have SURGERY because of food obstructions in my esophagus (copiuos alcohol + chewy prime rib x chunk feeder = obstruction).

They told me I couldn't drive myself home from this CT myelogram. But from what I understand, there is no painkiller or anything like that involved with the procedure, just an extremely thick needle jabbed into a place where needles really fucking hurt. If they're telling me that the reason I'm dragging my brother with me to drive me home is that I'll be in such pain that I can't drive, well, then, a.) they haven't been riding shotgun with me lately, and b.) if they think I'm not stopping for a fucking bacon cheeseburger on the way home, then they don't know shit.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Writers Wanted

As those who read this site may know, I am an amateur writer. I write for a comic fan fic website, ALTMARVEL.NET, and as the years have passed, I have grown as a writer because of it. But a writer not improving is a writer stagnating. Two years ago, some of the writers of that site and other fan fic sites and I came up with a writing exercise designed to improve our dialogue, interaction, improvisation and role playing.

We created a town. Cougar Ridge, Colorado.

We then populated this town using fictional characters of our own creation, created through use of LiveJournal and some random internet photos. We kept our true identities a secret, and a narrator posted a main post daily (which then devolved to weekly before the exercise ended). We would reply, in character, to not only the main post, but the responses of our fellow writers. We would build on the sub polts introduced by others, and introduce our own sub plots. The result was a two month span of character development, dramatic story telling, intrigue, and murder. It was deemed a success by all involved, and only lost steam due to inconvenient scheduling (the Christmas break took what little momentum the project had gained in its first month, and it never quite recovered).

Once we all agreed the project had reached a logical conclusion, we revealed our characters, and laughed at how wrong we were in our suppositions. We then went our seperate ways, leaving the town behind. For the next two years, we discussed starting a similar project, but the particulars could never be fully ironed out. Well, recently, a few of the key players got together and decided it was time to return to the Ridge.

Cougar Ridge, Season 2 begins tomorrow. And it's open to the public. There are rules, which you'll find in the first post, but they are simple. And this is a great chance to stretch your writing legs and imagination. Here, you CAN be a fireman, or an astronaut, or a psychopath. You can be a man, a woman, young, old, gay, straight, democrat, republican, nice, mean, sexy, dirty, Jewish, Christian, Mormon, Muslim... anything goes (except the Irish). Just kidding.

You don't need to have participated in the first season. You don't even need to read it. It might help clarify a few odd mentions that will spring up once in a blue moon, and will help you identify the writers of some returning characters, but it is not necessary to enjoy the game. You can have one character, or you can have more (three is the limit, but even that is not concrete if you can write enough). You can be whatever you want to be.

You can control your corner of the world, turn it into someplace to escape.

Come. The Ridge awaits.

Baseball Fever... Innoculate Against It!

The World Series is almost upon us. Well, it has been for a few days, but Boston just won't lay down already. Here's a recap of the League Championship


Arizona Diamondbacks (90-72, NL WEST) vs. Colorado Rockies (90-73, NL WILDCARD)

JUGGERNAUT GROWS COMPLACENT WAITING FOR NEXT VICTIM - The Colorado Rockies, awaiting the winner of the ALCS, sat idly for yet another day, waiting to find out where they are going for their first two World Series victories.

"Jeez," Rockies leftfielder and probable NL MVP Matt Holliday said, decked out in his black road uniform, playing Go Fish with Rockies middle reliever Matt Herges and Dinger, the Rockies purple dinosaur mascot. "you'd think they could just wrap it up already."

Secondbaseman Kaz Matsui agreed. "If the Indians really wanted to win, they should have just won game one," he said, stifling a yawn as he sat on his packed suitcase. "I mean, why all the drama? If you lose game one, you might as well just go home."

"I'm sooooo bored," closer Manny Corpas cried out, slumping back in the bullpen, pouring a jar of mustard on the front of his jersey. "I just wanna go play!"

Manager Clint Hurdle urged caution to his players. "You have to be careful," he warned, moisturizing the spot on his finger where his World Series ring will rest. "There's a danger of getting complacent, and we might need 13 or 14 innings before we win game one of the World Series. We have to find something for these kids to do. Players get bored, they lose concentration, and all of a sudden, you're looking at some sort of bizarre non-sweep situation." He shuddered as he wiped the extra lotion from his hand with his Official "Colorado Rockies 2007 World Series Champions "There's Only One "Rocktober" " " towel.

RELIEVER JOSE VALVERDE RAMPAGES - The Arizona Diamondbacks were swept by the Colorado Rockies, losing all four games by an average of 2.5 runs per game, prompting an angered Jose Valverde to break into a military base and steal an experimental formula. Drinking the liquid, officially known as Project X54T99J-332NB-1, street name "The REALLY Clear," Valverde grew mammoth in size and developed special glands in his throat which produce chemicals that, upon being belched into the air, combust.

"TAVERAS!" he screamed in a Rodan-like screech, laying waste to the historic Heritage Square. Diamondbacks veteran Randy Johnson was injured when the twenty-story tall reliever first drank the liquid, smashing through the wall of the Diamondbacks club house when players were there to clean out their lockers for the off-season. Centerfielder Chris B. Young was scorched by Valverde's chemical exhalations, prompting Leftfielder/verbal-diarrhea-sufferer Eric Byrnes to rechristen him "Cris-py Young."

"It's horrible," shortstop Stephen Drew cried, watching in fear as Valverde picked up a school bus full of children and threw it at Chase Ballpark. "At least my brother J.D. is still playing."

General Abernathy of the United States Army has outlined a plan for taking down the colossal closer, but states that the Army's policy of not operating on home soil has hindered them thus far. New York Yankees leftfielder Hideki "Godzilla" Matsui has been approached as a special advisor.


Boston Red Sox (96 - 66, AL EAST) vs. Cleveland Indians (96 - 66, AL CENTRAL)

QUEST FOR FREE BOOZE DRIVES SOX - Unwilling to surrender the free champagne that goes to the winner of the ALCS, the Red Sox staged a dramatic trouncing of the Cleveland Indians Saturday night, winning Game 6 of the ALCS 12-2 and forcing a deciding Game 7.

"The boys just crave that sweet, sweet bubbly," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said in a press conference last night. "David Ortiz has the shakes something awful."

Kevin Youkilis was seen staring longingly at the bottles of champagne as they sat in the commisary of Boston's historic Fenway Park. "Man, that would be so sweet going down," he said. "Just the feeling of the bubbles, tickling the roof of your mouth, that sweet pucker of the grapes twitching your cheeks, the crackling fire in your gut as the alcohol enters your system... bliss."

"Winning the ALCS and getting to the World Series would be nice," back-up catcher Doug Mirabelli said, "especially coming back in dramatic fashion like this. But only the nectar of Dionysis will chase away the spiders that are trying to get at me from inside my locker."

Many Red Sox players are detoxing, and in desperate need of alcohol, which they have been denied since sweeping the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California USA Earth in the ALDS. Pictures of the Indians enjoying champagne from their 1995 and 1997 trips to the World Series hang on the bulletin boards, serving as inspiration for the Red Sox.

"No way they're getting that Korbel," centerfielder Coco Crisp said, licking his lips. "That booze is ours."

INDIANS ON VERGE OF CINEMATIC COLLAPSE - The Cleveland Indians announced some last minute additions to their playoff roster, shocking the baseball world yesterday. Charlie Sheen, Corbin Bernsen, David Keith and Dennis Haysbert were added, taking the place of Rafael Perez, Josh Barfield, Kelly Shoppach, and Trot Nixon.

"We were up three games to one," Indians General Manager Mark Shapiro... Shapeero... Shapeyero... Shaporo... owner Larry Dolan said yesterday at a press conference. "Now, we're facing game seven? What was I supposed to do?"

Sheen, known to Cleveland fans for his role as Indians reliever Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn in Major League and Major League 2, was shocked at the announcement. "I tried to tell them I can't really pitch, that it was all camera tricks, but they didn't seem to hear me. They just handed me a pair of black horn rimmed glasses and begged me to go save their season."

Corbin Bernsen, who played thirdbaseman Roger Dorn in both Major League movies, was equally shocked by the anouncement. "I've played a few Rock & Jock softball games, but not recently," Bernsen announced.

"Dorn won't be starting," Dolan announced, "but we know his love-hate relationship with Rick Vaughn will be just the thing to spark some late dramatics. And Pedro Cerrano [actor Dennis Haysbert] will give some pop to our lineup that has been missing, especially when he comes up in the bottom of the eighth with runners on and the game on the line." When asked about the addition of David Keith, who played catcher Jack Parkman in the second movie and was actually an antagonist in the film, Dolan was quick to reply. "Parkman was the better catcher, we all know that. Rube Baker was the young gullible farm boy who found his grit, but we don't have that much time. We need Parkman's veteran experience now."

In addition to the players, James Gammon and Tom Berringer were brought in to manage the team for the remainder of the playoffs. "We have to win," Dolan said, "to spite the Vegas showgirl turned gold digging evil widow that owns the team!"

Wesley Snipes was busy preparing to suit up for the Cleveland Cavaliers, and could not be reached for comment.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Six Word Stories Revolutionize Publishing Industry

Found through Blogging Against Stupidity, a blog that has unfortunately been inactive for almost a year.

WIRED did a piece in November of last year about six word stories. The sample given was one of the greatest examples of how powerful words and the imagination can be;

"For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn."

It tells such a sad story, and lets your mind race to fill in the blanks.

One example of how the brain can, and in some places, still is, being used.

Read the article. It's got some pretty entertaining lines from some gifted writers, including a decent number of comic book scribes.

My contribution, the story of my first girlfriend;

"I loved her; so did she."

Friday, October 19, 2007

Good Stuff...

Courtesy of

The New Page...

We're in the big leagues now!

Go to or click here to see the new front page, and kindly update your bookmarks and links. This page will change, and you don't want all my hard work to go to waste, do ya?

Well, DO YA?!?

Look for other updates in the near future.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Last Rat Pack Member Dies: Brat Pack Next

Joey Bishop, the last survivor of the Rat Pack, died yesterday at the age of 89. The self proclaimed "Mouse of the Rat Pack," Bishop was the least famous of the Rat Pack, which consisted of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and Peter Lawford, and always considered himself to be somewhat of a junior member of the informal group.

So now, the Rat Pack is gone. Now it's time for the Brat Pack to go. We handicap the odds of each member of the Brat Pack being the first to go:

Emilio Estevez - Some would have argued that Estevez was already dead, his career having vanished before the national eye, before he won critical acclaim for his work on 2006's "Bobby," a fictional account surrounding the factual event of Robert Kennedy's death. He's looking plump, and hadn't seen the limelight since getting a blade through the eyes in the original Mission: Impossible. He should have been killed for making such dreck as Freejack, Another Stakeout, and Men at Work, but he's also made some quality films like Young Guns. He's a lead role type, and has evolved into a more intellectual player in the film industry. His death would have no descernable impact on the film industry, therefore, he'll last.ODDS: 75-1

Anthony Michael Hall - The geekiest of the Pack when he burst onto the scene, he has taken the reigns and become the leading man that no one thought he could become. The meek, scrawny dork who played "Farmer Ted" in Sixteen Candles, Hall now plays Johnny Smith in USA's "The Dead Zone," one of the highest rated shows in cable history. He has overcome some addictions and dark personal demons since his teen years and proven he has the dramatic chops to star in any genre. Losing him would be a real shame. But death plays no favorites, especially when it comes to SNL cast members. ODDS: 60-1

Rob Lowe - The handsome ladies man of the Pack, this teenage heart throb made the ladies swoon (and the guys, if you've seen the Paris menage-a-trois tape) and showed that he also had a sense of humor. His battle with alcohol and sex addiction made him a joke in the public eye, but he later made a resurgence, gaining critical acclaim for his role on The West Wing. He's proven time and again that his sense of humor doesn't clash with his dramatic skills. He's settling down into a nice TV niche later in his career, and has recently joined the cast of Brothers and Sisters. His death would be unexpected, yet some how sensical.ODDS: 5-2

Andrew McCarthy - It takes a lot to survive being Patrick Dempsey's "Mini-me." If you go by looks alone, he's the odds on favorite. He looks like he just rolled from a dumpster. He's always been the annoying one of the Brat Pack guys. The "pretty" one of the guys, he rapidly became just an annoying cliche. His last role of any notoriety was in Mulholland Falls, which means he hasn't mattered since 1994. And that's only a few years after making Weekend at Bernie's II, which is one of the worst ideas ever vomited forth fromt he human mind. His death would actually put him back in the spotlight, which he'd probably be wise to consider.ODDS: 8-1

Demi Moore - Her death would have the largest impact on the cinema scene. Who doesn't know her? Doing everything from Beavis and Butthead to Nathaniel Hawthorne, we've seen her tits (most notably in Striptease) and we've seen her wits (most recently in Mr. Brooks) and her death would be headline news around the world. Does anyone want to see Ashton Kutcher on camera anymore, though? He's stupid enough to film an episode of Punk'd at her funeral. And no one wants to see Rumer at all. The only good thing about her death is she would finally be free of her shame for taking part in Nothing But Trouble, winner of Smart Centipede's "What The-?" (What The Fuck Were They Thinking?) Award, given to the film with the biggest celebrity cast considered to be a total and utter flop.ODDS: 40-1

Judd Nelson - The oldest of the Brat Pack, Nelson hasn't really mattered since New Jack City. He made a mini come back with "Suddenly Susan" on TV, but this edgy rebel has failed to make a significant contribution to outweigh his shameful blight. His only lead role of signifigance was as a cartoon Autobot, for Chrissake. I mean, c'mon, Judd... STEEL?!? What, did you lose a bet? I can just imagine what it was like that day at the Judd household: "Y'know, I'm looking for a project that's a guaranteed flop. How about we make a low budget movie about an obscure comic book character with that basketball player who starred in Kazaam?" His latest project is called Netherbeast Incorporated, about an office full of Vampires. As Jimmy Doohan said in Star Trek II: "Sir, he's dead already." ODDS: 7-4

Molly Ringwald - Seen most recently singing the National Anthem at a Detroit Tigers game. No, really. She looks so... normal. She looks like my cousin. She doesn't look like a celebrity. She certainly doesn't look like a celebrity who will be dying any time soon. Her last notable performance was a cameo in a movie that makes fun of her (Not Another Teen Movie). I see Molly as the LAST of the Brat Pack, the one who lives to give the interviews when each of the other ones dies. She'll outlive them all, I tell ya, and never make another blip on the movie radar. She'll be the answer to many pop culture trivia questions, and have token appearances and cameos in television well into her sixties.ODDS: 150-1

Ally Sheedy - She's my dark horse pick. She always seems so somber, so fretful, so dark. Her last role of consequence was Teresa Luna, in John Candy's "Only The Lonely," which won Smart Centipede's "Where The-?" (Where The Fuck Did THAT Come From?) Award for most unexpected pyrotechnic scene in a romantic comedy. The only one who's best work came BEFORE Breakfast Club (Wargames was pure genius, dammit!) She went on to "film" Maid in Manhattan and Short Circuit 2: Electric Bugaloo.ODDS: 15-1

Honorary Mention: Mare Winningham - Not even identified as a Brat Packer in many sources, Mare is the Joey Bishop of the Brat Pack. She's the one that people will lose bar bets on, staunchly defending that she wasn't part of the Brat Pack, and many of them will have to be told who she is, and even then she will be mistaken for an elderly Leah Thompson ala "Back To The Future." ODDS: 100000-1

Sunday, October 14, 2007


Mood: Cautiously Pessimistic

Book: Mysteries of the Unexplained

Flash Rogue: Professor Zoom

Ice Cream: Wendy's Twisted Chocolate Frosty with M&M's

Song: Con te Partiro, as sung by Kenny McCormick

Force of Nature: Gravity, baby!

Aching Joint: T7 Vertebrae

Calendar: The Narcoleptic Puppy Lovers 1995 Edition

Sunday, October 07, 2007

The New Look SC!

The new look is due in part to my always inspirational girlfriend, Nille, who wanted me to help design her new website. Now, my HTML skills are downright pathetic, and don't go much farther than colored backgrounds with simple imagery, as you can see by my Fantasy Baseball site. But boy, do I have some fun with photoshop. Once I manage to track down the elements within the template I use for Blogspot, I can make things look pretty OK. But if I had to write the site from scratch, it'd look like a third grader with a Lite Brite. My code skills are hopelessly bad (as evidenced by the fact I had to go back to an old post to remember how to post a simple link, and had to go back and fix the Fantasy Baseball link once I was done).

It took me the better part of a night just to get the header the way I wanted it. So enjoy.


MLB Playoff Buzz (sorry, Yankees)

The baseball playoffs are in full swing! As we rapidly approach the long, cold, pointless winter of our discontent, the Smart Centipede takes a look at what's happening in the first round of the MLB playoffs.

American League - Division Series

Boston Red Sox (96 - 66, AL EAST) vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (94 - 68, AL WEST)

SHOCK THE MONKEY - The Boston Red Sox swept the Angels in three games this week. The Angels have had little success since winning their first World Series in 2002, when they defeated Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants in seven games. Known simply as the Anaheim Angels at the time, the franchise changed their name to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in an attempt to get some of the nearby L.A. fan base to root for them. Odd, considering that before being known as the Anaheim Angels, they were known as the California Angels. Maybe they should change their name to the "West of the Mississippi Angels," so they can tap the maximum fan base possible. Plus, their target demographic would finally be equal in size to Vladmir "Nose to Toes" Guerrero's strike zone. Their mascot, the pestilential "Rally Monkey," reminds us that, while their offense could "outbreak" at any moment, their playoff chances goes up in smoke quicker than an African mercenary camp riddled with mutaba.

RAMIREZ' HAIR GETS 2 YEAR DEAL - Boston left fielder, Manny Ramirez has struggled since coming back from a leg injury, but he has hit a resurgence at just the right time. Los Angeles/Anaheim/Greater Southern California area pitchers have avoided David "Big Poppi" Ortiz, who has been walked more than a chihuahua with a spastic colon, and with no one else in the line up capable of providing protection, the strategy has worked. But Ramirez made the tactic back fire in game two, hitting a walk-off homerun. Ramirez, injured for a portion of the season, said he still isn't 100%, but added "“But I guess when you don’t feel good and you still get hits, that’s when you know you are a bad man.” He then took a hit of "breath-gas," and left to force humans to mine gold in the Rocky Mountains for his Psychlo commander Terl. His hair declined to comment about the contract -ahem- extension.


Cleveland Indians (96 - 66, AL CENTRAL) vs. New York Yankees (94 - 68, AL WILDCARD)

THE NINTH PLAGUE OF ROCKY COLAVITO - The Indians may be the team of destiny this year, as they appeared to have divine intervention save them in game two. With the Yankees up 1-0 in the eighth inning, and rookie phenom/intergalactic mob boss Joba Chamberlain on the mound, a swarm of insects descended on Jacobs Field, creating an obvious distraction for the Yankees reliever, who threw two wild pitches and walked a couple of batters, allowing a run in a game which the Indians went on to win 2-1 in extra innings, taking a 2-0 lead in the series. Kenny Lofton, a one time Yankee (and three-time Indian) is looking to take it to his former club, and has hit an insane .714 with 4 RBI for his former-former club. Teammate Jhonny Peralta is still tied for the league lead in misspelled first names with San Diego reliever Cla Meredith.

STEINBRENNER FIRES TORRE, LEVELS ORPHANAGE - Already on the hot seat for not winning the division for the first time in a decade, manager Joe Torre may be out after this season if the Yankees don't turn it around. "I want another World Series Ring NOW!" George Steinbrenner cried, "And I don't care how I get it!" Third-baseman/origami-man Alex Rodrigez has continued his annual ritual of struggling like a choking infant in the post season, a fact made more mystifying by his MVP caliber performance in the regular season. Rodriguez led the team and the majors with 54 HR and 156 RBI this season, before transforming into a newborn possum once arriving in Cleveland for the ALDS, covered in amniotic funk, his eyes not yet fully formed and striken with weakness that prohibits him from even feeding himself. Rodriguez is expected to opt-out of his record breaking quarter-of-a-billion-dollar 10 year contract this off-season, believing he can make more money in the free-agent market. He seeks a deal that may include part ownership of whatever team he plays for. The odds on favorite to land him are the newly re-christened "Alex Rodriguez Presents The Los Angeles, California Angels of Anaheim, California, USA, Now Featuring Alex Rodriguez."


National League - Division Series

Arizona Diamondbacks (90-62, NL WEST) vs. Chicago Cubs (85-77, NL CENTRAL)

THE CURSE OF NOTHING IN PARTICULAR - The cursed Cubbies lost in unusual fashion this week, getting swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks in a disappointing series that featured no controvesial fan interference, gypsy curses, player scandals, or other curiosities that usually give false hope to devoted North side fans. Chicago manager Lou Pinella's removal of staff ace Carlos Zambrano can be cited as a questionable move, but beyond that, the Cubs failed to provide fans a single excuse for why their favorite team lost beyond simply not being good enough to win. "I don't know how to explain this," said long time Cubs fan Becky Nellis, "normally, there's a goat, or an unruly fan, or hailstones the size of Sammy Sosa's misshapen head that cause our team to miss out on the World Series. There's none of that excitement, none of that mystery. What can I tell my friends, who are White Sox fans, other than 'yeah, we just sucked this year'? How will I explain away the team's inadequacies without curses, bad calls, or acts of God?"

DESERT DROUGHT MAY BE OVER - The Diamondbacks are headed to the NLCS for the first time since they won the 2001 World Series as under dogs to the New York Yankees, a drought of six agonizing years. Many fans have theories why the Diamondbacks have been so unfortunate in recent years, ranging from poor managerial decisions to the curse of Buck Showalter, but the fact remains; the epic futility of the Diamondbacks struggles to bring fans a second world series title may be over. "I was born a Diamondbacks fan, and it has been a long hard road," said 5 year old Tyler Gonzo Fletcher, a resident of Phoenix Arizona, whos middle name was given to him to honor Luis Gonzalez, who delivered the last hit in the D-backs 2001 World Series win. The Diamondbacks fans have tried many ways to break the jinx that has troubled their team, such as burning Tony Womack cards. Womack, who only had 2 hits in 13 at bats in the 2002 playoffs, is regarded as somewhat of a scape goat for the latest playoff failure since the glory days of 2001. "This may be the year we finally win another one," Fletcher said. "The long wait may be over!"


Philadelphia Phillies (89-73, NL EAST) vs. Colorado Rockies (90-73, NL WILDCARD)

WE ARE THE CHAMPI oh, it's over... - The Philadephia Philles were shocked to learn yesterday that they had been eliminated from the 2007 playoffs, losing in three games to the Colorado Rockies. "Wait, what?!?" Shortstop Jimmy Rollins said, looking around in disbelief. "When the Hell did that happen?" The Phillies, coming fresh off their first NL East Division Title in 14 years, were elated to have made the playoffs after the New York Mets historic collapse saw them drop a seemingly insurmountable 7 game lead with 17 to play. The Phillies grabbed the lead with two days left in the season, and won the division on the last day, defeating the Washington Nationals 6-1. "We're done?" Phillies slugger Ryan Howard said, looking around quizzically. "But, I didn't even unpack my bats! How the heck are we already done?" Many Phillies players apparently didn't know they were in the midst of a best of five series against the Colorado Rockies, as many were still busy celebrating their dramatic history making run at the playoffs.

ROCKY MOUNTAIN HUH? - The Colorado Rockies stunned the baseball world, and themselves, by sweeping the Philadelphia Phillies in the first round of the 2007 playoffs to advance to their first ever NLCS. "Wait, what?!?" catcher Yorvit Torrealba said, looking around incredulously. "We won? Dude, sweet!" Rockies pitcher Jeff Francis was elated to hear the news. "So the first round you just have to win three games? Cool!" Byung Hung Kim, who nearly cost the Diamondbacks their only Championship in 2001, sat in the center of the Rockies club house, telling tall tales of the mythical place known as The World Series. "It can't be true!" left fielder Matt Holliday said, his eyes wide in fascination, as Kim described a series of seven games so important that they all were scheduled for prime time national television. "So people outside of Colorado would be able to see us?" shortstop Troy Tulowitzki asked, "honest?" Kim continued to regail the Rockies with stories about a time when AL and NL teams would only meet in the world series, who stared starry-eyed, gasping with wonder.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

A new pet peeve...

I've long hated when people interrupt you in mid sentence. It's just downright rude, and because I don't do it, more and more I find myself not contributing to conversations.

Well, today I met someone with Sudden Interruption Syndrome. One of the new girls at work. I was in mid sentence, talking about the training program for the bank, when she launched into her statement on the subject. I stopped speaking and paid her her due attention. A few seconds later, she interrupted my next words with some of her own, and once again, I stopped speaking, listening to her. But the third time, I made a split second decision; I would continue to speak and see how long she would go on.

LITERALLY nine seconds went by with the both of us speaking at the same time, AND SHE DIDN'T GET THE HINT. Do you know how hard it is to continue speaking for nine seconds when someone is interrupting you mid sentence? I eventually had to give up, and finally, I just stopped trying to speak to her.