Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Holy Rebuttal, Batman!

The Son of God sits down to discuss life, love, and pocket sixes

My recent post on the Smart Centipede that Ashley Judd was my own personal Jesus drew attention from an unlikely, if perfectly logical, source, as I was surprised in my home by Jesus Christ, the Son of God. He agreed to answer some questions for the fans of the Smart Centipede.

SC: Jesus, thanks for stopping by and agreeing to the interview.

JC: Blessed art thou. Glad to be here. Hey, you mind if I pop a Red Bull? Long night last night.

SC: Go right ahead. Can you state your full name for the interview?

JC: Sure. Jesus H. Christ.

SC: What's the H stand for?

JC: I'm a little embarassed. It's Helen. My dad was a big fan of the Trojans, which everyone who watches college football can see for the past three years now. (Rolls his eyes) Okay, Dad, we get the hint. How about giving the Texas Longhorns a shot this year?

SC: Hey, no hard feelings about the comments made on our blog, right?

JC: I don’t do “hard feelings.” Besides, my Dad broke the mold when he made Ashley Judd. Hell, I worship her.

SC: (smiling) Want to join our religion?

JC: (laughs) No, I’m Jewish, which is something that a lot of people seem to forget.

SC: So all the people who believe that you’re the messiah, who count on their belief in you to get them into Heaven, are wrong?

JC: Pretty much. They have to be, or there is a paradox.

SC: How so?

JC: Think about this: If they’re right, I’m the Son of God. Don’t you think the Son of God would know what religion is the right one? If they’re wrong, then I’m NOT the son of God, so what do I know?

SC: So you’re not the Son of God?

JC: If you go strictly by logic, I can’t be. Because if I am the Son of God, then Christianity is the right religion, and I was wrong in following the Jewish tenets, but how could the Son of God be wrong about anything?

SC: So you’re not the Son of God?

JC: Actually, I am. Religion has nothing to do with logic. Just like politics. The Christians don’t have it right, but neither did I.

SC: So which religion is the right one?

JC: Scientology comes pretty close.

SC: I don’t believe it!

JC: (in the voice of Frank Oz) That is why you fail. No, seriously, could you imagine if those nutjobs were right?

SC: Hey, that’s a pretty good Yoda.

JC: Thanks. I love those Star Wars movies, except The Phantom Menace. That was just sooooo boring.

SC: That’s why Lucas had to wait to do it, because if that was the first one, they never would have made enough money to make the rest.

JC: That’s bullshit, by the way.

SC: Did you… just say “Bullshit?”

JC: Yep. That’s what George Lucas told everyone, but that isn’t what happened. He came up with the idea for this big sweeping movie trilogy, but didn’t know how to start it. That’s why the first one made was Episode Four. He wasn’t even going to have Darth Vader be Luke’s father. That came up a third of the way into the making of Empire. An intern named Doug suggested it, and Lucas took credit.

SC: Doug the Intern? He thought up the greatest plot twist in science fiction movie history?

JC: No, he only suggested it. I gave him the idea. George’s original idea was that Obi Wan Kenobi had Multiple Personality Disorder, and he was actually Obi Wan, Anakin Skywalker, and Emperor Palpatine. The whole Lightsaber battle at the end of the first one was supposed to be a dream sequence, like the whole “Who Shot JR?” thing on Dallas. I thought that would be too stupid, so I showed Doug the better idea in a dream, and he took it to George.

SC: Thanks, it worked out much better with your idea.

JC: Yeah. I saw the re-releases of the first three with the upgraded special effects, and figured George finally had a handle on things, so I didn’t bother to interfere with the Phantom Menace. Boy, even the Son of God is wrong once in a while. Doug even tried to warn me, but I guess I just wasn’t paying attention.

SC: Doug the Intern? He's in Heaven?

JC: Yeah, George had him killed so he never revealed where the “father & son” idea came from. He’s been up here since 1980. He watches over all of Jim Carrey’s work.

SC: Jim Carrey gets help from Heaven?

JC: No, but we like to let Doug think he’s making a difference. Otherwise he just follows me around asking if I want another latte. (Rolls his eyes) As if I couldn’t just create another one.

SC: So what’s going on in the world that you’d like to address?

JC: Actually, there’s a few items that are bugging me, if you don’t mind me ranting here for a minute.

SC: Please, go right ahead.

JC: Thanks. First on the list are all of the frivolous lawsuits that people are bringing against one another. This has gotta stop, kids. The old lady that sued McDonalds for their coffee being too hot when she spilled it in her lap, which was one of the first ones in the recent string of frivolous lawsuits. What the Hell were you thinking, lady? If the coffee wasn’t hot, you probably would have complained about it being too cold. Well, don’t worry, people, we have her taken care of. She should enjoy that fat settlement now, because when she dies, that coffee is gonna feel like a daiquiri compared to where she’s going. Anyone who sues someone for something that a little common sense would have prevented has an appointment with one of my Dad’s former colleagues.

SC: That would be the Devil?

JC: Yes, Captain Obvious, the Devil. Try not to interrupt me, please. The Bible has a lot of wacky ideas in it, but there is one that really needs to be thought about seriously. Eye for an eye. There is a guy who tried to sue Jay Leno because one of the comedians on his show shot tee shirts into the crowd, and hit him in the eye. He wanted $25,000 in damages. He should be allowed to shoot the comedian in the eye with the same shirt cannon. That’s all. Nothing else. Also, all this PC garbage. Will you people get over yourself? It’s just words, for Dad’s sake. It’s the intent behind the words that is hurtful. Everyone needs to just grow up and be a little more thick-skinned.

SC: That’s also a pet peeve of mine.

JC: That’s great. So, what, we’ve got like, one thing in common? Yeah, that’s enough to interrupt me whenever the heck you feel like it.

SC: Sorry.

JC: There is more stuff that bothers me, the obvious stuff, like killing, rape, theft, and the like. But everyone knows those are wrong. Well, almost everyone. It’s the little things, like people who talk during movies, people who cut in line at the market, people who don't shower and own ferrets and wear patchouli oil; those are the ones who really need to watch their backs. (Rises up and holds his hands out) So repent! (Starts to laugh)

SC: Wow. Sage advice. So I know there must be a lot of perks being the Son of God, but is there any downside?

JC: Hells yeah. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Dad, but he’s totally out of touch. He doesn’t know Everclear from Everlast. He tries, but it’s just so pathetic. He came up to me the other day doing the Macarena. For a guy who is omnipotent, he sure is clueless. Also, it’s tough to get a decent poker game going. All the good gamblers are usually downstairs. I’m a big fan of Texas Hold ‘Em, but it drives my Dad crazy, because people are always praying for another six on the river. I mean, come on, I don’t play a pair of sixes unless I’m heads up, and even then, I only check 'em. It’s just bad policy. If they’re going to make bad decisions with their chips, they should know how to work it out on their own if it goes against them. Otherwise, like the Beatles said, “a fool and his money.”

SC: Actually, that was Thomas Tusser.

JC: I know that, you knob. Who do you think told him? The Beatles quoted it for the song “Come and Get It.” You don’t have many friends, do you? Maybe if you stop correcting people while they’re speaking, you’d have some. (pauses, shaking his head) No, I'm sorry, I was just kidding. You're cool.

SC: So what have we done right down here?

JC: iPods are pretty sweet. I have some Hendrix loaded onto mine that no one else has, because he never actually recorded it. I almost lost it though when they upgraded iTunes to Mac OSX. My poor little Tangerine iMac didn't have the memory for OSX, so I had to get one of the new ones that's just a screen with the computer inside. It's awesome, but now I have to learn InDesign, because Quark X-Press 6 is just too darn expensive.

SC: That's two things we have in common.

JC: I'm told it's pretty intuitive. Anyway, I also dig Sportscenter. I mean, I can see all the games of every sport anywhere in the world throughout history, but sometimes I think it's better to just have someone boil it down into highlights. Sometimes it's just not worth it to watch a three hour football broadcast for twelve minutes of actual action. And I've been bungee jumping a couple of times. The Cristo Redntor in Rio de Janiero has always been one of my favorites, and one day, I was watching The Duece and I saw Extreme Bungee Jumping, and a guy struck that same pose, and I thought "Hey, that looks like me!" It sure is a riot, man. Oh, and I love those pre-cooked chicken packages you can get and just pop in the microwave. Man, those things are versatile!

SC: Microwave chicken?

JC: Hey, I'm a busy man! Cut me some slack!

SC: Is there any final message that you’d like to give to the people who are reading this interview?

JC: Yes. Be good to each other, for Dad’s sake. Stop trying to weasel every nickel out of life, stop trying to screw each other over, stop trying to hurt people. And to the people at ABC Television, I have only five words; Alias. Renewed. Now. Or. Else.

SC: On behalf of the fans of the Smart Centipede, I’d like to say thank you, Jesus. Ashley Judd bless you.

JC: SIGH You just don’t get it, do ya?

Thursday, December 01, 2005


This post is the first test of a fledgling blog done almost one calendar year ago. Because of my OS issues, I chose iBlogs instead. iBlogs went up in flames, and this husk is all that's left.