Sunday, October 31, 2010

Almost Famous

Go to Google. Type in "Colonel's Original Recipe Revealed."

Smart Centipede's expose is the first link that appears. Now click images. Of the first three images, read from left to right, the main graphic for the story is the first graphic. My picture is third. The iconic Colonel Sanders graphic is 7th.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Waiting Room Blues

The Waiting Really is the Hardest Part
Hanging at Brown's in Patchogue. This is day 2 (non-consecutive) of the great Jeep saga of 2010. My girl Emily began groaning a few weeks ago. A little sound that seems to sound like a power steering issue, although the sound is emanating from the other side of the engine (I know my engines). It is definitely something that has to do with the belts, not necessarily the belt itself, but one of the pulleys driven by it, certainly.

I learned almost everything I know about engines from my Dad. He had converted our two-bay garage into an auto shop and used to work on people's cars. It's something I always wish I had helped him more with. It wasn't for lack of opportunity; he always asked me if I wanted to help him, and I did, sometimes. I know how to change my own oil, I've changed out power steering pumps, water pumps, belts, hoses, changed batteries, spark plugs, carburetors, and even changed out my brake lines with the help of my dad's brother, my uncle Bill.

So I'm not the average schmuck. I've had to, by economical necessity, had to do many of my own repairs on my vehicles. But Emily is the first vehicle I've ever had that was like new when I got her, and she's been good to me, so when it comes to noises like this, I'm gonna take her to the pros, even for just preventative maintenance.

The problem being, it's not always a guarantee that the service be fast (or even at all). I first brought this problem to Brown's on Friday. I had made an 8:30 appointment, and we were there at 8:20. I dropped my girl off and had my partner in crime Tommy drive us to the Super Deli Pot Belly Deli for breakfast. There was an early indication that the day would not meet expectations.

They messed up our breakfasts, which put him in a less than sunny mood. Late with the sausage, his English muffin was under done, my hash browns were practically raw. Sub-par effort at best.

We went home and I spent the larger part of my day off playing X-Box (I know, shocker). As the day wore on, I waited to hear from Brown's, and didn't. By about 2, I was getting a little annoyed. I gave them a call, and left a message (the fact that I couldn't even get customer service was not a happy thing). I received a call at 3:30 that Emily had not, in fact, even been looked at, that the technicians were all wrapped up with other vehicles.

I went and got my girl, along with a promise that I would be absolutely first in line when I brought her back on Tuesday (which is what I am doing here now). In the mean time, I had to drive her to my niece's soccer game (they lost) Party City for my niece and nephew's Halloween costume shopping (holy crowded, Batman!) Panera for dinner (crowded too) and then to my nephew's football game (they lost). What a day for disappointment.

I have the opposite expectations for today. The techs will be able to quickly diagnose Emily's ailment, fix it rapidly, and have me on my way in no time. I am sure of it.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Open Letter To Fox

Dear Sirs,

Your greed disgusts me. I knew all along that you don't REALLY care about the little guy, you only care about the millions and billions in revenue that your advertisers pay you, so I know it will cause you to lose no sleep knowing that I am absolutely disgusted by your bullying tactics. Knowing that the tools at Cablevision will be hiking up our rates anyway (you greedy corporate types love to raise rates, don't you?) you've simply given them an excuse, a scapegoat for why they are wringing more from us. You don't care that they are getting more from us, you just want your share, like a maggot sucking bile from an infected wound.

It is my intention to begin a different type of boycott of FOX; a COMMERCIAL boycott. When you and Cablevision set aside your petty pissing contest and finally get FOX programming back on the air, I will have already contacted every one of my friends, family, co-workers, associates, and my readers, and ask that they join my commercial boycott. What those joining my boycott will do is this: we will enjoy your programming, because that's not really what you care about. We'll watch shows like Glee, and The Simpsons, Fringe, and the NFL on Fox. And then, just as you go to commercial, we will change the channel. We will intentionally and blatantly refuse to acknowledge any messages from your sponsors. Those with DVR capabilities will fast-forward through your advertiser's commercials. Those that don't will simply mute their television and look away. We'll hold great gatherings in the round, using a large projection TV and a homemade HDTV antenna, to watch Fox HD for free, and turn away to party during commercials. No one who spends money on Fox ad space will get their message heard by any of my followers. And the best part? I ask for no money, and people love things they can do for free, especially when it screws greedy corporate fat cats like yourself.

I invite you to visit my WEBSITE . It's bare bones right now, as I have just started. But I am eager to see how many followers I can attract. It may never reach the kind of resistance needed to get you to acre, It may fail miserably, who knows. But I am eager to try. Come and watch the faces of those you abuse gather and grow in number. Maybe I'll even be able to afford BOYCOTTFOXCOMMERCIALS.COM (EVERY iteration of boycottfoxcommercials is available, and for cheap, too!)

Maybe one day, when I get enough followers, and someone wants to donate enough money to the cause, I'll purchase some commercial time on Fox and do a commercial extolling your greed. And I'm betting if I pay enough, you'll air it, because your network is nothing but a soulless corporate whore.

Tired of being used as leverage,

Kenn Beck

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

R.I.P. Tom Bosley, 1927–2010

The Big Quiz Thing: Tom Bosley, 1927–2010

A fitting tribute to Tom Bosley, brought to you by the Guru of Pop Culture Trivia, Noah Tarnow of the Big Quiz Thing.

Noah said it better than I ever could have. Go easy, Poppa Cunningham.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Fox Vs. Cablevision

Get it worked out before the World Series, or I'm gonna fuck shit up.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10 10 10

Today is 10/10/10 (as I'm sure has been crammed down your throat by media everywhere).

Two Years, two months, and two days from now, it will be 12/12/12, as I'm sure you can figure out (and yes, I KNOW that next year features 11/11/11, but that's not germane to the point I am making, so don't bother mentioning it). That will likely be the last time most of us will see that phenomenon. You'll need to wait until January 1st, 2101 to see it again. For perspective, any ten year olds reading this will be 101 when it happens.

Enjoy it while you can folks!

Friday, October 08, 2010



For the time being, some of the blog entries here at Smart Centipede may become unavailable for reading (specifically, those having to do with work). The exciting part of that news is that I will very soon be launching a new blog that will focus solely on the trials and tribulations of doing what I do for a living. In the meantime, I invite you to keep your eyes on this and a few other choice blogs that have kept me entertained:

Kimberly Spice's 100 Cups of Coffee: one woman's search for a Prince by dating a bevy of frogs...
Girlbomb's Girlbomb: Explode Your Mind!
Angry Grrl's The Thing Being: A fledgling blog that is gong to be huge, so get in on the ground floor and say you were there from the beginning!
My very own Smart Centipede: Sports Edition: If it's not there, then it's not sporting news... that I care about.
And brand new addition The Window Lean: Your source for music to contemplate (ritual suicide) by.