Clown-Americans Still Not Accepted

Here at Smart Centipede, we are dedicated to expanding borders, enlightening our fellow man, and making the world a better place. It has recently come to our attention that there is a growing blight on society that needs to be addressed. There are some people who claim to suffer from a disorder known as Coulrophobia. This is, by definition, the fear of Clowns.



This has to stop, people. Clowns are people too. This mindless hatred and bigotry must be put to an end. Clown persecution must be eliminated.

Imagine, if you will, if I were to announce that I was suddenly afraid of Jews? Picture if you will: a crowded city street, and I suddenly break into hysterics at the sight of a Jew, weeping and hiding behind someone, screaming to "make the Jew go away." That didn't fly for Hitler, and rightly so. How much outrage would there be were I to suddenly be diagnosed with Mexicanophobia? What if I refused to help a customer because I was scared of African Americans? None of this would be viewed as socially acceptable. So why should Clowns be exposed to such vitriol, and unjustly scoffed and gawked at?



Clowns have been immigrating to America since the early 1800's. Their struggle to find employment, housing, and even social acceptance was titanic. It was a common sight in centennial America to see a Clown walk into an establishment and mocked by an ignorant public. In 1823, Dan Rice became the first Clown born in America. He rose to high social standing becoming friends with President Abraham Lincoln. He even ran for President in 1868, but the United States was not ready for Clown-equality. This fear and hatred of Clowns stems from a fundamental lack of understanding of Clown culture. In an attempt to clear some of the mystique, we present this brief overview of Clown culture.



Here we see a few members of a small Clown community. One of the village edlers, known in Clownese as a "Biggie Bobo," teaches young Clowns some traditional Clown construction techniques. Stilts being the prime export of Clownovia, these children are learning valuable skills that will help them later in live. Along with stilt construction, children also learn over-sized shoe making, squirting flower repair, and powder-puff maintenance. These essential skills are enhanced when the children enroll in one of the Vocational Schools that dot the landscape of Clownovia.



Here we see a newborn Clown. Will he find acceptance in this turbulent world, or will he be hated and feared like his bretheren? We can only hope he will find some semblence of a normal life here in the United States.



Some clowns are able to find acceptance, and even notoriety and fame. Ronald McDonald, spokesclown for the McDonalds franchise, was born Ronald "Sweet" Pickles as the only child of second generation Clown-Americans. Bouncing between odd-jobs for most of his twenties, he was working as a fry-cook for McDonalds (Clowns could often only find work "behind the scenes" where the public couldn't see them) and as the legend goes, on a slow day, he went out into the streets and danced to draw attention to the restaurant. The resultant influx of customers led the owners of the McDonalds franchise to rechristen him Ronald McDonald, and use Pickles as a spokesperson. The NAAClP (National Association for the Advancement of Clown People) later claimed McDonalds use of Pickles was a negative ethnic stereo-type, but Pickles refusal to testify at hearings would cripple their case. Many hard line Clown Rights advocates call Pickles an "Uncle Tutu," claiming that his pandering antics have set Clown Rights back decades, but many Clown-Americans see him as an inspiration for future generations.

"We face many obstacles in front of us," Gilbert "Hoopy Doopy" Duprey, President of the NAAClP, said from his office in Montgomery, Alabama. "Clown-Americans can do anything they want, anything they can dream of. A clown can become an actor, an astronaut, a professional athlete... who knows? Maybe someday soon America will be ready for a clown President!"

UPDATE

Mood: I'm so tired my eye balls are vibrating, I swear...

Book: 52, Chapter One

Flash Rogue: Mirror Master

Ice Cream: Vanilla Bean

Song: Sleepwalk

Force of Nature: Weak Nuclear

Aching Joint: Left Knee

Calendar: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit 2003

Really, Cleveland? REALLY?

Does Cleveland mind being considered a second-class city? Do they care? Are they even trying to be viewed as a major metropolis any more?

Look at the sidelines at a Laker game. There's Jack. The Knicks have a 13th man in Spike Lee. Who do the Cavaliers have at the Eastern Conference Finals as their heavy star power? Geraldo Rivera? Really, Cleveland? REALLY?

Bug Bites...

I dragged my brother out to the theater to see Bug today, based largely on the fact that I am madly, desperately, truly, deeply, and psychotically in love with Ashley Judd. The movie was... man, I just don't know how to do this. This movie could have been fantastic, but I just don't get it. I UNDERSTAND it, don't get me wrong, but it just... I couldn't get behind it.

Ashley continues to be my Goddess, her performance was good. Even covered in bug bites, blood, sweat, gasoline, leaking snot from her nose and tears from her eyes, she is STILL the hottest thing this side of the sun. (By the way, Lions Gate Films, I greatly appreciate the full nudity. AWESOME.) Her character Agnes transforms from strong, independent yet desperately lonely woman grieving her lost child into a slapping, twitching, wailing mess, and back again (sort of) and I buy it.

Michael Shannon does a fair turn as Peter, the Gulf War vet who brings his knowledge and paranoia into her life, transforming a dingy motel room into a laboratory/saferoom. He is a creepy bastard, and hw sells the quirkiness. He should ace the role, as he perfomred in the play from which it was adapted.

Harry Connick Jr. is a Jerry, Agnes' ex-husband and a pretty sick puppy, and if anything, they didn't use him enough.

What failed me here is I don't know how to absorb what we see. I understand that we're never supposed to be sure if Peter and Agnes are infested. I understand that paranoia is a powerful weapon, and its effects can be devastating. But are they delusions, and if so, how does Agnes see and hear the lights and helicopters? If they aren't paranoid, why doesn't Jerry see them? Who was the doctor? If Peter's story is true, why did he come alone?

The movie had the potential to be great, but I think it missed the mark. Ashley's final breakdown in which she actually seems to embrace her horrific fate, is just a little too bizarre and comical for the tone that the movie seemed to be setting. Once the movie comes to cable, I will give it another watch, just to make sure I didn't miss any nuances that I should have caught.

Now, I know there are people who are going to insist that I just didn't get the movie, and that's why I didn't enjoy it. But believe me, I TRIED to enjoy it, simply because Ashley was in it. I found it impossible. The concept was a solid one, but the execution falls short.

Sorry, Ashley, Goddess of my world, but I just didn't get it.

The Colonel's "Original Recipe" Revealed

After decades of secrecy, the long sought after "secret recipe" of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Sanders has been liberated. Harland David Sanders, known by the loyal patrons of his chicken eatery as "The Colonel," (an honorary title which contradicts his army records which state that he never achieved a rank higher than private) died in 1980, losing a long battle with leukemia and hated rival/former underling Dave Thomas, who after running a number of KFC chains and inventing the paper chicken bucket, went on to found the Wendy's chain of restaurants. Both men are now dead, leaving only Bertrand "The Burger King" Kane as the sole survivor of the Trans-fat Trio still at large.

Following various health scares and numerous animal rights protests, undercover agents were sent to infiltrate the mysterious inner workings of the chicken enterprise. To date, several thousand individuals have been killed attempting to bring the secret recipe to light. On several occasions, people have claimed to have as many as eight of the "11 herbs and spices," but none ever lived to bring their findings to the public.

I am here today to share the horrific truth. I have no doubts that this will lead to my destruction, but it needs to be told.

The "Original Recipe" contains the following basic ingredients:

Sugar, Flour, Monosodium Glutamate (MSG), Salt

It also contains the "11 herbs and spices", which are, according to our research and classified documents liberated from several secluded "research" facilities, as follows:

1. Black Pepper. This is the most obvious of the spices, as it is clearly visible on the skin of the chicken.
2. Cassia. Miniscule traces of this Cinnamon-like spice are added to the mix in the last stages, enhancing the flavor and color of the skin.
3. Rosemary. This herb is a member of the mint family and is key in giving the chicken it's kick.
4. Black Cumin. A rounded taproot, this tastes like sweet chestnuts.
5. Star Anise. With the uprising of Avian Flu, the Star Anise was harvested to shortage for the Shikimic Acid it naturally produces, which is used in production of Tamiflu. Recently, alternative sources were discovered, and Star Anise is plentiful once again.
6. Mandrake Root. This root must, at the Colonel's insistance, be harvested by blind women, and one in every seven roots must be burnt in sacrifice to Odin.
7. Nickel. Classified as a spice by Colonel Sanders in April of 1973, nickel was introduced to the recipe for its ferromagnetic qualities, promoting bloodflow.
8. Rhinoceros Beetle Carapice. The Colonel's hope was that by ingesting the carapice of Rhinoceros Beetles, his patrons would gain proportionate strength, allowing them to kill off those not loyal to him.
9. Tears of Newborn Babies. Believed to be the first of the 11 herbs and spices to be added, Sanders had been in talks with several hospitals for secret placement of tear repositories, where doctors could store the initial tears of newborn infants.
10. 2-4 Diethyl-Propinmurinol. Recent studies by the FDA suggest this ingredient could be dangerous, but several key government officials have taken a sever interest in the studies, thereby ensuring their release will be delayed by decades.
11. Ragweed Pollen. Promotes stimulation of the salivary glands.

There you have it. The horrible truth. I may meet my end soon because of the knowledge I've shared with you here today, but they cannot hide it from us any longer. The world must know!

Well, I'm off to get one of those new Chicken and Biscuit bowls. Mmmmmmmmm.......