Thursday, October 18, 2007

Last Rat Pack Member Dies: Brat Pack Next

Joey Bishop, the last survivor of the Rat Pack, died yesterday at the age of 89. The self proclaimed "Mouse of the Rat Pack," Bishop was the least famous of the Rat Pack, which consisted of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and Peter Lawford, and always considered himself to be somewhat of a junior member of the informal group.

So now, the Rat Pack is gone. Now it's time for the Brat Pack to go. We handicap the odds of each member of the Brat Pack being the first to go:

Emilio Estevez - Some would have argued that Estevez was already dead, his career having vanished before the national eye, before he won critical acclaim for his work on 2006's "Bobby," a fictional account surrounding the factual event of Robert Kennedy's death. He's looking plump, and hadn't seen the limelight since getting a blade through the eyes in the original Mission: Impossible. He should have been killed for making such dreck as Freejack, Another Stakeout, and Men at Work, but he's also made some quality films like Young Guns. He's a lead role type, and has evolved into a more intellectual player in the film industry. His death would have no descernable impact on the film industry, therefore, he'll last.ODDS: 75-1

Anthony Michael Hall - The geekiest of the Pack when he burst onto the scene, he has taken the reigns and become the leading man that no one thought he could become. The meek, scrawny dork who played "Farmer Ted" in Sixteen Candles, Hall now plays Johnny Smith in USA's "The Dead Zone," one of the highest rated shows in cable history. He has overcome some addictions and dark personal demons since his teen years and proven he has the dramatic chops to star in any genre. Losing him would be a real shame. But death plays no favorites, especially when it comes to SNL cast members. ODDS: 60-1

Rob Lowe - The handsome ladies man of the Pack, this teenage heart throb made the ladies swoon (and the guys, if you've seen the Paris menage-a-trois tape) and showed that he also had a sense of humor. His battle with alcohol and sex addiction made him a joke in the public eye, but he later made a resurgence, gaining critical acclaim for his role on The West Wing. He's proven time and again that his sense of humor doesn't clash with his dramatic skills. He's settling down into a nice TV niche later in his career, and has recently joined the cast of Brothers and Sisters. His death would be unexpected, yet some how sensical.ODDS: 5-2

Andrew McCarthy - It takes a lot to survive being Patrick Dempsey's "Mini-me." If you go by looks alone, he's the odds on favorite. He looks like he just rolled from a dumpster. He's always been the annoying one of the Brat Pack guys. The "pretty" one of the guys, he rapidly became just an annoying cliche. His last role of any notoriety was in Mulholland Falls, which means he hasn't mattered since 1994. And that's only a few years after making Weekend at Bernie's II, which is one of the worst ideas ever vomited forth fromt he human mind. His death would actually put him back in the spotlight, which he'd probably be wise to consider.ODDS: 8-1

Demi Moore - Her death would have the largest impact on the cinema scene. Who doesn't know her? Doing everything from Beavis and Butthead to Nathaniel Hawthorne, we've seen her tits (most notably in Striptease) and we've seen her wits (most recently in Mr. Brooks) and her death would be headline news around the world. Does anyone want to see Ashton Kutcher on camera anymore, though? He's stupid enough to film an episode of Punk'd at her funeral. And no one wants to see Rumer at all. The only good thing about her death is she would finally be free of her shame for taking part in Nothing But Trouble, winner of Smart Centipede's "What The-?" (What The Fuck Were They Thinking?) Award, given to the film with the biggest celebrity cast considered to be a total and utter flop.ODDS: 40-1

Judd Nelson - The oldest of the Brat Pack, Nelson hasn't really mattered since New Jack City. He made a mini come back with "Suddenly Susan" on TV, but this edgy rebel has failed to make a significant contribution to outweigh his shameful blight. His only lead role of signifigance was as a cartoon Autobot, for Chrissake. I mean, c'mon, Judd... STEEL?!? What, did you lose a bet? I can just imagine what it was like that day at the Judd household: "Y'know, I'm looking for a project that's a guaranteed flop. How about we make a low budget movie about an obscure comic book character with that basketball player who starred in Kazaam?" His latest project is called Netherbeast Incorporated, about an office full of Vampires. As Jimmy Doohan said in Star Trek II: "Sir, he's dead already." ODDS: 7-4

Molly Ringwald - Seen most recently singing the National Anthem at a Detroit Tigers game. No, really. She looks so... normal. She looks like my cousin. She doesn't look like a celebrity. She certainly doesn't look like a celebrity who will be dying any time soon. Her last notable performance was a cameo in a movie that makes fun of her (Not Another Teen Movie). I see Molly as the LAST of the Brat Pack, the one who lives to give the interviews when each of the other ones dies. She'll outlive them all, I tell ya, and never make another blip on the movie radar. She'll be the answer to many pop culture trivia questions, and have token appearances and cameos in television well into her sixties.ODDS: 150-1

Ally Sheedy - She's my dark horse pick. She always seems so somber, so fretful, so dark. Her last role of consequence was Teresa Luna, in John Candy's "Only The Lonely," which won Smart Centipede's "Where The-?" (Where The Fuck Did THAT Come From?) Award for most unexpected pyrotechnic scene in a romantic comedy. The only one who's best work came BEFORE Breakfast Club (Wargames was pure genius, dammit!) She went on to "film" Maid in Manhattan and Short Circuit 2: Electric Bugaloo.ODDS: 15-1

Honorary Mention: Mare Winningham - Not even identified as a Brat Packer in many sources, Mare is the Joey Bishop of the Brat Pack. She's the one that people will lose bar bets on, staunchly defending that she wasn't part of the Brat Pack, and many of them will have to be told who she is, and even then she will be mistaken for an elderly Leah Thompson ala "Back To The Future." ODDS: 100000-1