Monday, October 22, 2007

so weak... must... drink... clear liquids...

So, the people at Medical Arts Radiology have me scheduled for a CT Myelogram tomorrow. What this means is I am going to have a needle filled with something call packopaque injected into my spine, and then be thrown into a cat scan so they can see what is going on with my back.

I'm told the injection is supremely painful. I hate that. But I also hate being in constant pain and not able to function like a normal human being. They told me for the two days preceeding the test, I am unable to take painkillers. So I have been sans my little helpers since Saturday night. I hate that MORE.

But you know what REALLY sucks right now? They have me on a clear liquids only diet since last night. I have had nothing but water for the past 24 hours. As a fat guy, this is a supreme crisis.

I'm fucking starving right now! I stuck a clean spoon into a gallon of ice cream, pulled it out slowly so there was no ice cream on it, and then licked it, just for some flavor. This is killing me.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen if I should eat? I get sick tomorrow when they inject me with their magical potion? If I knew that was the ONLY bad thing that could happen, I'd pig out right now, and just bring a mop and bucket with me tomorrow.

Being a fat guy means eating CONSTANTLY. This is a bad, bad time, folks. The only time I've EVER gone more than 24 hours without food was the two times I had to have SURGERY because of food obstructions in my esophagus (copiuos alcohol + chewy prime rib x chunk feeder = obstruction).

They told me I couldn't drive myself home from this CT myelogram. But from what I understand, there is no painkiller or anything like that involved with the procedure, just an extremely thick needle jabbed into a place where needles really fucking hurt. If they're telling me that the reason I'm dragging my brother with me to drive me home is that I'll be in such pain that I can't drive, well, then, a.) they haven't been riding shotgun with me lately, and b.) if they think I'm not stopping for a fucking bacon cheeseburger on the way home, then they don't know shit.