The (not so) Long Wait Is Over!

The Boston Red Sox charged the mound yesterday, screaming, shouting, throwing their gloves in the air. Champaigne was wheeled into the locker room, Theo Epstein hugged John Henry, and fans all over Boston let out a great cry of joy, as long time Red Sox radio announcer Joe Castiglione delivered the good news:

"Celebrate, Boston; A-Rod has opted out of his Yankee contract!"

Minutes later, the team managed to compose themselves, and continue playing in Game 4 of the 2007 World Series, which they won, sweeping the Cinderella story Colorado Rockies, who upon making it to the World Series for the first time in their 15 year history, transformed into so much pumpkin.


After the game, players were jubilant. "Yeah, we never gave up hope, we always believed he would opt out of his contract and become a free-agent," first baseman/circus strongman Kevin Youkilis said between swigs of champaigne. "It's a long schedule, and we just kept trying, going out on the field and playing the game, and waiting to hear the news that greedy asshole number one, [Yankees owner Goerge Steinbrenner] is losing the services of greedy ass-hole number two [former Yankee thirdbaseman Alex Rodriguez. Our patience and hard work finally paid off. We did this for the fans in Boston, who deserve this. No other town has such great fans who love their team and hate A-Rod and the Yankees."

The sweep of the Colorado Rockies makes it eight straight World Series games that the Red Sox have won. Their last loss came in October of 1986, when they lost game 7 of the World Series to the New York Mets, the same year an 11 year old Alex Rodriguez opted out of his paperboy route with the Westminster Daily Dispatch to sign a three year deal to deliver copies of the Dade County Register for 15¢ an hour more.


"It's simply amazing, what these guys have accomplished," Manager Terry Francona said yesterday to reporters. "Four years ago, the curse was still alive and well, A-Rod was still with the Rangers, and the Yankees were still a pack of douche bags. Now, we've broken the curse to win two of the past four World Series, A-Rod has come and gone, and the Yankees are still a pack of douche bags."

David "Big Papi" Ortiz, Red Sox first baseman/designated hitter/pimp daddy, was overjoyed. "As a fellow Dominican, I am bery bery happy that Alex Rodriguez has opted out of his Yankee contract. We hope to have him play for our team, but as long as he's not playing for the Yankees, that is bery bery good."


"I'd love to have him join our team," Red Sox left fielder/Mrs. Butterworth stunt double Manny Ramirez said, smiling as players dumped beer over his already disgustingly crusted hair. "I love it even more that he is not playing with the Yankees no more."

The Colorado Rockies, however, were inconsolable. "It's hard," Rockies left fielder Matt Holliday said, shaking his head. "We had such a good run through the playoffs, seemed like nothing could stop us... then you get an eight day layoff and BAM! A-Rod makes his decision. I just find it hard to take this as good news, especially since we never really play the Yankees. I mean, the closest we came to this kind of joy was when we found out Bonds wasn't coming back to the Giants, but let's face it, he's just about washed up, and the Giants are doormats anyway."

"Watching a hated rival team lose their best player because of greed is one of the greatest thrills in sports," Rockies first baseman Todd Helton said, "and I just hope that this team will work hard next year so that we can enjoy the kind of spiteful glee that the Red Sox are enjoying right now."

Comedy Central

A TV Guide style "Jeers" to Comedy Central for their showing of Shaun of the Dead last night from 1 to sometime after 3:30.

I had heard great things about this movie, and I am happy to report that it was worth the praise. Funny stuff. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost were brilliant. There were excellent performances by Penelope Wilton and Bill Nighy as Pegg's mom and step dad, and the rest of the cast gave it the very dark humor that has gained this movie a huge cult following.

My jeers is to the fact that this movie (99 minute run time) took nearly three hours to view, because every five minutes, Comedy Central bent over like the corporate whore they are to give advertising time to ExtenZe Male Enhancement Tablets and Girls Gone Wild videos. Seriously, there were scenes, individual scenes, interrupted TWICE by commercial breaks.

How are you supposed to get involved in a movie when everytime you begin to make a connection with one of the characters, you have to pause and hear some over sexed cock wipe talking about how much larger his "certain part of the body" is? They won't even say Penis. Even the "doctor" who appears in these commercials says "that certain part of the male body". I'm watching a movie in which one of the main characters asks "can I get any of you cunts a drink?" and then I have some decrepit doctor in my face every five minutes afraid to say schlong?

I almost stopped watching it, because if I had to hear that dim bitch say "male enhancement? You mean, bigger muscles?" I was going to put my fist through some drywall. And Girls Gone Wild... seriously, folks, just get some actual honest-to-goodness porn. This soft core shit doesn't mean you're any "cleaner" or "more wholesome" than anyone else; you're still flogging dolphin to naked people on video, it just doesn't involve penetration (from what I have heard; I would never watch such wanton debauchery). What, because these are actual girls from the public instead of porn starlets, you think you actually have any more chance of banging them? Wipe the cheetos from your Babylon 5 t-shirt, recycle those Mr. Pibb cans and use the nickels to get a clue. These women don't have sex with guys that buy the videos they are featured in. I know, believe me. They told me during the orgy.

Prediction:

Today will be a dramatic day filled with epic changes.

Tune in later to see if I was right.

so weak... must... drink... clear liquids...

So, the people at Medical Arts Radiology have me scheduled for a CT Myelogram tomorrow. What this means is I am going to have a needle filled with something call packopaque injected into my spine, and then be thrown into a cat scan so they can see what is going on with my back.

I'm told the injection is supremely painful. I hate that. But I also hate being in constant pain and not able to function like a normal human being. They told me for the two days preceeding the test, I am unable to take painkillers. So I have been sans my little helpers since Saturday night. I hate that MORE.

But you know what REALLY sucks right now? They have me on a clear liquids only diet since last night. I have had nothing but water for the past 24 hours. As a fat guy, this is a supreme crisis.

I'm fucking starving right now! I stuck a clean spoon into a gallon of ice cream, pulled it out slowly so there was no ice cream on it, and then licked it, just for some flavor. This is killing me.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen if I should eat? I get sick tomorrow when they inject me with their magical potion? If I knew that was the ONLY bad thing that could happen, I'd pig out right now, and just bring a mop and bucket with me tomorrow.

Being a fat guy means eating CONSTANTLY. This is a bad, bad time, folks. The only time I've EVER gone more than 24 hours without food was the two times I had to have SURGERY because of food obstructions in my esophagus (copiuos alcohol + chewy prime rib x chunk feeder = obstruction).

They told me I couldn't drive myself home from this CT myelogram. But from what I understand, there is no painkiller or anything like that involved with the procedure, just an extremely thick needle jabbed into a place where needles really fucking hurt. If they're telling me that the reason I'm dragging my brother with me to drive me home is that I'll be in such pain that I can't drive, well, then, a.) they haven't been riding shotgun with me lately, and b.) if they think I'm not stopping for a fucking bacon cheeseburger on the way home, then they don't know shit.

Writers Wanted

As those who read this site may know, I am an amateur writer. I write for a comic fan fic website, ALTMARVEL.NET, and as the years have passed, I have grown as a writer because of it. But a writer not improving is a writer stagnating. Two years ago, some of the writers of that site and other fan fic sites and I came up with a writing exercise designed to improve our dialogue, interaction, improvisation and role playing.

We created a town. Cougar Ridge, Colorado.

We then populated this town using fictional characters of our own creation, created through use of LiveJournal and some random internet photos. We kept our true identities a secret, and a narrator posted a main post daily (which then devolved to weekly before the exercise ended). We would reply, in character, to not only the main post, but the responses of our fellow writers. We would build on the sub polts introduced by others, and introduce our own sub plots. The result was a two month span of character development, dramatic story telling, intrigue, and murder. It was deemed a success by all involved, and only lost steam due to inconvenient scheduling (the Christmas break took what little momentum the project had gained in its first month, and it never quite recovered).

Once we all agreed the project had reached a logical conclusion, we revealed our characters, and laughed at how wrong we were in our suppositions. We then went our seperate ways, leaving the town behind. For the next two years, we discussed starting a similar project, but the particulars could never be fully ironed out. Well, recently, a few of the key players got together and decided it was time to return to the Ridge.

Cougar Ridge, Season 2 begins tomorrow. And it's open to the public. There are rules, which you'll find in the first post, but they are simple. And this is a great chance to stretch your writing legs and imagination. Here, you CAN be a fireman, or an astronaut, or a psychopath. You can be a man, a woman, young, old, gay, straight, democrat, republican, nice, mean, sexy, dirty, Jewish, Christian, Mormon, Muslim... anything goes (except the Irish). Just kidding.

You don't need to have participated in the first season. You don't even need to read it. It might help clarify a few odd mentions that will spring up once in a blue moon, and will help you identify the writers of some returning characters, but it is not necessary to enjoy the game. You can have one character, or you can have more (three is the limit, but even that is not concrete if you can write enough). You can be whatever you want to be.

You can control your corner of the world, turn it into someplace to escape.

Come. The Ridge awaits.