Epic Fail

I went to Chili's for dinner tonight before hitting the movies with Tommy and his friend Maureen. I ordered the crispy chicken tacos, with Texas cheese fries as an appetizer. My brother got the skillet queso, which is basically chips with a spicy beef and cheese dipping sauce. The waitress took a long time getting our food out, and when mine came, the order was wrong. It took them a few minutes and an argument between two waiters to get my order right. It also took a while for the waitress to get us our check, and though we had requested separate checks, it was combined.

The food was okay, but something didn't sit right with me (probably that skillet queso), and as I got home, I had a pretty disagreeable stomach, so I had to spend some time indisposed, if you catch my drift.

Sorry to paint that picture for you, but it's important for you to know exactly how uncomfortable that series of events was for me, so you will truly understand when I say that having my order messed up and getting the shits from it was a PLEASANT EXPERIENCE compared to sitting through the awful, awful mess known as SKYLINE.

This movie contained every sci-fi hackneyed cliche ever written. Lead actor who is a regular guy just trying to get by? Check. Lead actress who is a saint and is willing to stand by her man through thick and thin? Supporting actor with buddy comedy chemistry? Check. Supporting actress cast-iron bitch? Check. Unexplained Earth-shaking arrival of mysterious aliens? Check. Early death of leery, creepy comic relief? Check. Small dog used to gain sympathy of audience? Check. Frightened old man as comedy tool? Check. Creepy tentacled aliens with mind control abilities culling humanity like dust-busters? Check. Pre-requisite explosion shot, followed by pre-requisite smoked filled shot of alien ship surviving the blast? Check. Frantic chase scene with last minute escapes and dodges? Check. Shock death of supporting actor with missed-by-a-hair rescue attempt by main character, complete with slow motion close-up of dying supporting actor? Check. Timely arrival of older character with important information and or equipment? Check. Late arrival of military, which proceeds to fail in initial attempts to defeat aliens? Check. Gotcha scene of imminent rescue thwarted by last minute mishap? Check. Older character sacrificing self to save others with a witty one-liner? Check. Repeated last second saves by incoming attack? Check.

I hate that this movie was even made. Donald Faison should be ashamed of himself, and his agent should be fired. You were on Scrubs, for Christ's sake! This was like watching Michael Jordan play baseball. It felt like two kids were playing with their toys in their backyard. It was like playing a video game with no instruction manual and you can't control the character. The majority of the movie takes place in Donald Faison's living room, and in a movie with a limited location, it has to be character driven. I've met more lovable characters picking up trash for community service. The dialogue sounds like it was clipped from a dozen other sci-fi movies.

The alien design is a mish-mosh of other movie designs, and the plot was razor thin. The alien ships are vacuuming up anyone who stared at their human bug-light. If humans managed to stay out of the path of the Dyson Ball from outer space, there were alien helicopters that, although they could fly, eviscerate people in a flash, and couldn't be destroyed, could be thwarted by a set of blinds. The aliens themselves are indestructible, surviving being driven into by a speeding SUV and crushed, except for the part when our hero punches one to death. But why were the aliens here? Well, from what I could gather, they are here to eat our brains, which, for whatever reason glow when they are extracted from our heads.

This movie is like if Independence Day and Cloverfield were in an incestuous relationship and huffing paint and this movie is the bastard love child that they went ahead and bashed in the skull with a tack hammer. If presented with the option of having my balls gnawed off by a ravenous wolverine or having to sit through this movie again, well, it'd be a tough call, because frankly, I don't see much of a distinction between the two.

Someone get Donald Faison some work, PLEASE.

Stop Dragon My Heart Around...

Dragon Wars - a.k.a. D-Wars (the D stands for assinine!)

I know there are Koreans out there who are defending this movie as the best thing to come out of Korea in a long time, and the number one grossing movie in Korea. Personally, I don't think that's something to be proud of.

This movie was simply awful. I tried to give it a decent chance. I swear. But the acting was painful to watch. Jason Behr looks like a poor man's Milo Ventimiglia. A VERY poor man. I'd rather watch Hayden Christensen read Mad Libs for 90 minutes. And he was one of the better ones. None of them, not a one, could muster any sort of sympathy, pathos, feeling from me. The CGI might be the best ever from Korea, but I've had more fun watching cut scenes in video games.

The plot was confusing. I know there were two dragons, one good, one evil. They were trying to get the Yu-Gi-Oh, or something like that, to turn into a real dragon and get to heaven (why an evil dragon wants to go to heaven is something for future generations to discuss). But assuming the good one got up there the first time, what happens to the bad one? It seemed to me like the good one wasn't about to jump in back in 1507 to fight the bad one, so if the sacrifice had worked, and the good dragon got to Heaven, what happens to the bad one? I guess it's tough luck, humans, try your best to invent the gigantic mongoose before Imoogi-Vader eats you all.

The D in the abbreviated title stands for Deux Ex Machina. As in, man, things are stuck, so let's kick the pinball machine and get the film going again.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of the old stranger I met who happened to give me an invulnerability necklace... oh yeah, that old guy just showed up to give us a ride... oh yeah, my television camera man friend has an internet scanning program that can find every 19 year old woman named Sarah with a dragon tattoo in the LA area... oh yeah, the random guy who just walked over to my desk just happened to have seen the exact woman I am looking for, saving me from visiting 2700 girls before a giant snake thing turns the LA Zoo into a buffet... oh yeah, I happen to have a professor friend who can make you remember your past lives...

The script on this thing was, I am convinced, written by a pair of eight-year-olds who happened to tip over their toy box one day.

Kid 1: "My guy is a ninja warrior who was trained by a master with magical powers who flies."

Kid 2: "Oh yeah? Well, my guy is a bad guy with a sword that grows when he wants it to, like on Thundercats. And he has an army of armored ninjas."

Kid 1: "Oh yeah? Well, my guys have cannons on the walls of their fortress, and they can blow up your guys from a mile away."

Kid 2: "Well, my guys have dragons that can fly. And other dragons that have rocket launchers on their backs."

Kid 1: "Nu-uh!"

Kid 2: "Uh-huh!"

Kid 1: "Well, there's a big dragon that lives in the water that will help my guys."

Kid 2: "Yeah, but my dragon got there first, and ate your ninja."

Kid 1: "No, because he jumped to his death and got reborn 500 years later as that guy from Heroes. And he has a magic necklace that makes him bulletproof, and the army helps him."

Kid 2: "That's cheating!"

It was worth spending the 10 bucks on, because I'll always know how bad a movie this is. If I hadn't, I'd have always wondered if it had any merit. I paid the 10 bucks to find out it DIDN'T.