Sunday, September 30, 2007

Stop Dragon My Heart Around...

Dragon Wars - a.k.a. D-Wars (the D stands for assinine!)

I know there are Koreans out there who are defending this movie as the best thing to come out of Korea in a long time, and the number one grossing movie in Korea. Personally, I don't think that's something to be proud of.

This movie was simply awful. I tried to give it a decent chance. I swear. But the acting was painful to watch. Jason Behr looks like a poor man's Milo Ventimiglia. A VERY poor man. I'd rather watch Hayden Christensen read Mad Libs for 90 minutes. And he was one of the better ones. None of them, not a one, could muster any sort of sympathy, pathos, feeling from me. The CGI might be the best ever from Korea, but I've had more fun watching cut scenes in video games.

The plot was confusing. I know there were two dragons, one good, one evil. They were trying to get the Yu-Gi-Oh, or something like that, to turn into a real dragon and get to heaven (why an evil dragon wants to go to heaven is something for future generations to discuss). But assuming the good one got up there the first time, what happens to the bad one? It seemed to me like the good one wasn't about to jump in back in 1507 to fight the bad one, so if the sacrifice had worked, and the good dragon got to Heaven, what happens to the bad one? I guess it's tough luck, humans, try your best to invent the gigantic mongoose before Imoogi-Vader eats you all.

The D in the abbreviated title stands for Deux Ex Machina. As in, man, things are stuck, so let's kick the pinball machine and get the film going again.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of the old stranger I met who happened to give me an invulnerability necklace... oh yeah, that old guy just showed up to give us a ride... oh yeah, my television camera man friend has an internet scanning program that can find every 19 year old woman named Sarah with a dragon tattoo in the LA area... oh yeah, the random guy who just walked over to my desk just happened to have seen the exact woman I am looking for, saving me from visiting 2700 girls before a giant snake thing turns the LA Zoo into a buffet... oh yeah, I happen to have a professor friend who can make you remember your past lives...

The script on this thing was, I am convinced, written by a pair of eight-year-olds who happened to tip over their toy box one day.

Kid 1: "My guy is a ninja warrior who was trained by a master with magical powers who flies."

Kid 2: "Oh yeah? Well, my guy is a bad guy with a sword that grows when he wants it to, like on Thundercats. And he has an army of armored ninjas."

Kid 1: "Oh yeah? Well, my guys have cannons on the walls of their fortress, and they can blow up your guys from a mile away."

Kid 2: "Well, my guys have dragons that can fly. And other dragons that have rocket launchers on their backs."

Kid 1: "Nu-uh!"

Kid 2: "Uh-huh!"

Kid 1: "Well, there's a big dragon that lives in the water that will help my guys."

Kid 2: "Yeah, but my dragon got there first, and ate your ninja."

Kid 1: "No, because he jumped to his death and got reborn 500 years later as that guy from Heroes. And he has a magic necklace that makes him bulletproof, and the army helps him."

Kid 2: "That's cheating!"

It was worth spending the 10 bucks on, because I'll always know how bad a movie this is. If I hadn't, I'd have always wondered if it had any merit. I paid the 10 bucks to find out it DIDN'T.