Wednesday, March 14, 2007

More "Best Of": The Worst Movies EVER...

Sat 3 Dec 2005

The worst movies of all time…

Posted by smartcentipede under Uncategorized

In no apparent order…

Mom and Dad Save The Planet: Terri Garr and Jeffrey Jones team up to save the planet from the evil machinations of Jon Lovitz (you heard me). Career lowlights for all involved.

Millennium: Kris Christopherson and Cheryl Ladd in a story about time travelers who save accident fatalities and bring them to the future to live. If time travel exists, someone needs to stop this “movie” from being made.

Mac and Me: Brought to you by the good people of McDonalds. No, really. This movie is the most shameless example of product placement in cinematic history. Features a Fame-like dance number beneath the golden arches and aliens that make the tall guy from the “To Serve Man” episode of the Twilight Zone look like Geiger’s Alien.

The Last Starfighter: I’ll catch hell for this one, and there are elements of this movie that I actually did enjoy. But you have to realize this: The headquarters of the Frontier was taken out by the Kodan Armada using big rocks hurled at them from deep space. Rocks. ROCKS. The entire armada was then taken out by a lone Starfighter. The Kodan Armada are the Keystone Cops of deep space.

Moon Over Parador: BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG. The best part of seeing this movie in the theaters was my brother falling asleep and snoring like a bear at the perfect moment of silence. It was the only thing the audience laughed at that day.

Virus: The only time I was more disappointed in Jamie Lee Curtis is when I heard a rumor she had a cock.

Hardware: I remember .34% of this movie. I blocked the rest out.

A Home of Our Own: I challenge you to find a more horrifically depressing, fantastically boring set of images ever captured on film. This movie makes Weekend at Bernie’s II look like The Godfather.

Weekend at Bernie’s II: Beating a dead horse deader. They took a perfectly enjoyable movie and made a sequel that makes me want to watch High School film strips about good colon health.

Freaked: Keanu Reeves made an uncredited cameo as Cortez the Dog Boy in this Alex Winter vehicle as a favor for the fame that Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure gave him. Also featuring Mr. T, Brooke Shields, and Bobcat Goldthwaite. I am actually embarrassed for Randy Quaid and William Sadler, who managed to still have careers after this puddle of shit.

Nothing But Trouble: The biggest loser in terms of Star Power to Success Ratio. Directed by Dan Ackroyd and starring no less than Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, John Candy, Dan Ackroyd, Taylor Negron, Brian Doyle Murray, and Digital Underground as itself. Even a Baldwin couldn’t save this dung heap (granted, it was Daniel, which may have actually HURT the cause).

There will be more added to this list as time and dementia allows.