Baseball Fever... Innoculate Against It!

The World Series is almost upon us. Well, it has been for a few days, but Boston just won't lay down already. Here's a recap of the League Championship Serieseses...es.

NLCS:

Arizona Diamondbacks (90-72, NL WEST) vs. Colorado Rockies (90-73, NL WILDCARD)

JUGGERNAUT GROWS COMPLACENT WAITING FOR NEXT VICTIM - The Colorado Rockies, awaiting the winner of the ALCS, sat idly for yet another day, waiting to find out where they are going for their first two World Series victories.

"Jeez," Rockies leftfielder and probable NL MVP Matt Holliday said, decked out in his black road uniform, playing Go Fish with Rockies middle reliever Matt Herges and Dinger, the Rockies purple dinosaur mascot. "you'd think they could just wrap it up already."

Secondbaseman Kaz Matsui agreed. "If the Indians really wanted to win, they should have just won game one," he said, stifling a yawn as he sat on his packed suitcase. "I mean, why all the drama? If you lose game one, you might as well just go home."

"I'm sooooo bored," closer Manny Corpas cried out, slumping back in the bullpen, pouring a jar of mustard on the front of his jersey. "I just wanna go play!"

Manager Clint Hurdle urged caution to his players. "You have to be careful," he warned, moisturizing the spot on his finger where his World Series ring will rest. "There's a danger of getting complacent, and we might need 13 or 14 innings before we win game one of the World Series. We have to find something for these kids to do. Players get bored, they lose concentration, and all of a sudden, you're looking at some sort of bizarre non-sweep situation." He shuddered as he wiped the extra lotion from his hand with his Official "Colorado Rockies 2007 World Series Champions "There's Only One "Rocktober" " " towel.

RELIEVER JOSE VALVERDE RAMPAGES - The Arizona Diamondbacks were swept by the Colorado Rockies, losing all four games by an average of 2.5 runs per game, prompting an angered Jose Valverde to break into a military base and steal an experimental formula. Drinking the liquid, officially known as Project X54T99J-332NB-1, street name "The REALLY Clear," Valverde grew mammoth in size and developed special glands in his throat which produce chemicals that, upon being belched into the air, combust.

"TAVERAS!" he screamed in a Rodan-like screech, laying waste to the historic Heritage Square. Diamondbacks veteran Randy Johnson was injured when the twenty-story tall reliever first drank the liquid, smashing through the wall of the Diamondbacks club house when players were there to clean out their lockers for the off-season. Centerfielder Chris B. Young was scorched by Valverde's chemical exhalations, prompting Leftfielder/verbal-diarrhea-sufferer Eric Byrnes to rechristen him "Cris-py Young."

"It's horrible," shortstop Stephen Drew cried, watching in fear as Valverde picked up a school bus full of children and threw it at Chase Ballpark. "At least my brother J.D. is still playing."

General Abernathy of the United States Army has outlined a plan for taking down the colossal closer, but states that the Army's policy of not operating on home soil has hindered them thus far. New York Yankees leftfielder Hideki "Godzilla" Matsui has been approached as a special advisor.

ALCS:

Boston Red Sox (96 - 66, AL EAST) vs. Cleveland Indians (96 - 66, AL CENTRAL)

QUEST FOR FREE BOOZE DRIVES SOX - Unwilling to surrender the free champagne that goes to the winner of the ALCS, the Red Sox staged a dramatic trouncing of the Cleveland Indians Saturday night, winning Game 6 of the ALCS 12-2 and forcing a deciding Game 7.

"The boys just crave that sweet, sweet bubbly," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said in a press conference last night. "David Ortiz has the shakes something awful."

Kevin Youkilis was seen staring longingly at the bottles of champagne as they sat in the commisary of Boston's historic Fenway Park. "Man, that would be so sweet going down," he said. "Just the feeling of the bubbles, tickling the roof of your mouth, that sweet pucker of the grapes twitching your cheeks, the crackling fire in your gut as the alcohol enters your system... bliss."

"Winning the ALCS and getting to the World Series would be nice," back-up catcher Doug Mirabelli said, "especially coming back in dramatic fashion like this. But only the nectar of Dionysis will chase away the spiders that are trying to get at me from inside my locker."

Many Red Sox players are detoxing, and in desperate need of alcohol, which they have been denied since sweeping the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California USA Earth in the ALDS. Pictures of the Indians enjoying champagne from their 1995 and 1997 trips to the World Series hang on the bulletin boards, serving as inspiration for the Red Sox.

"No way they're getting that Korbel," centerfielder Coco Crisp said, licking his lips. "That booze is ours."

INDIANS ON VERGE OF CINEMATIC COLLAPSE - The Cleveland Indians announced some last minute additions to their playoff roster, shocking the baseball world yesterday. Charlie Sheen, Corbin Bernsen, David Keith and Dennis Haysbert were added, taking the place of Rafael Perez, Josh Barfield, Kelly Shoppach, and Trot Nixon.

"We were up three games to one," Indians General Manager Mark Shapiro... Shapeero... Shapeyero... Shaporo... owner Larry Dolan said yesterday at a press conference. "Now, we're facing game seven? What was I supposed to do?"

Sheen, known to Cleveland fans for his role as Indians reliever Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn in Major League and Major League 2, was shocked at the announcement. "I tried to tell them I can't really pitch, that it was all camera tricks, but they didn't seem to hear me. They just handed me a pair of black horn rimmed glasses and begged me to go save their season."

Corbin Bernsen, who played thirdbaseman Roger Dorn in both Major League movies, was equally shocked by the anouncement. "I've played a few Rock & Jock softball games, but not recently," Bernsen announced.

"Dorn won't be starting," Dolan announced, "but we know his love-hate relationship with Rick Vaughn will be just the thing to spark some late dramatics. And Pedro Cerrano [actor Dennis Haysbert] will give some pop to our lineup that has been missing, especially when he comes up in the bottom of the eighth with runners on and the game on the line." When asked about the addition of David Keith, who played catcher Jack Parkman in the second movie and was actually an antagonist in the film, Dolan was quick to reply. "Parkman was the better catcher, we all know that. Rube Baker was the young gullible farm boy who found his grit, but we don't have that much time. We need Parkman's veteran experience now."

In addition to the players, James Gammon and Tom Berringer were brought in to manage the team for the remainder of the playoffs. "We have to win," Dolan said, "to spite the Vegas showgirl turned gold digging evil widow that owns the team!"

Wesley Snipes was busy preparing to suit up for the Cleveland Cavaliers, and could not be reached for comment.

Six Word Stories Revolutionize Publishing Industry

Found through Blogging Against Stupidity, a blog that has unfortunately been inactive for almost a year.

WIRED did a piece in November of last year about six word stories. The sample given was one of the greatest examples of how powerful words and the imagination can be;

"For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn."

It tells such a sad story, and lets your mind race to fill in the blanks.

One example of how the brain can, and in some places, still is, being used.

Read the article. It's got some pretty entertaining lines from some gifted writers, including a decent number of comic book scribes.

My contribution, the story of my first girlfriend;

"I loved her; so did she."

Good Stuff...

Courtesy of Glumbert.com

glumbert - Sexual Consent

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Last Rat Pack Member Dies: Brat Pack Next

Joey Bishop, the last survivor of the Rat Pack, died yesterday at the age of 89. The self proclaimed "Mouse of the Rat Pack," Bishop was the least famous of the Rat Pack, which consisted of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and Peter Lawford, and always considered himself to be somewhat of a junior member of the informal group.

So now, the Rat Pack is gone. Now it's time for the Brat Pack to go. We handicap the odds of each member of the Brat Pack being the first to go:

Emilio Estevez - Some would have argued that Estevez was already dead, his career having vanished before the national eye, before he won critical acclaim for his work on 2006's "Bobby," a fictional account surrounding the factual event of Robert Kennedy's death. He's looking plump, and hadn't seen the limelight since getting a blade through the eyes in the original Mission: Impossible. He should have been killed for making such dreck as Freejack, Another Stakeout, and Men at Work, but he's also made some quality films like Young Guns. He's a lead role type, and has evolved into a more intellectual player in the film industry. His death would have no descernable impact on the film industry, therefore, he'll last.ODDS: 75-1

Anthony Michael Hall - The geekiest of the Pack when he burst onto the scene, he has taken the reigns and become the leading man that no one thought he could become. The meek, scrawny dork who played "Farmer Ted" in Sixteen Candles, Hall now plays Johnny Smith in USA's "The Dead Zone," one of the highest rated shows in cable history. He has overcome some addictions and dark personal demons since his teen years and proven he has the dramatic chops to star in any genre. Losing him would be a real shame. But death plays no favorites, especially when it comes to SNL cast members. ODDS: 60-1

Rob Lowe - The handsome ladies man of the Pack, this teenage heart throb made the ladies swoon (and the guys, if you've seen the Paris menage-a-trois tape) and showed that he also had a sense of humor. His battle with alcohol and sex addiction made him a joke in the public eye, but he later made a resurgence, gaining critical acclaim for his role on The West Wing. He's proven time and again that his sense of humor doesn't clash with his dramatic skills. He's settling down into a nice TV niche later in his career, and has recently joined the cast of Brothers and Sisters. His death would be unexpected, yet some how sensical.ODDS: 5-2

Andrew McCarthy - It takes a lot to survive being Patrick Dempsey's "Mini-me." If you go by looks alone, he's the odds on favorite. He looks like he just rolled from a dumpster. He's always been the annoying one of the Brat Pack guys. The "pretty" one of the guys, he rapidly became just an annoying cliche. His last role of any notoriety was in Mulholland Falls, which means he hasn't mattered since 1994. And that's only a few years after making Weekend at Bernie's II, which is one of the worst ideas ever vomited forth fromt he human mind. His death would actually put him back in the spotlight, which he'd probably be wise to consider.ODDS: 8-1

Demi Moore - Her death would have the largest impact on the cinema scene. Who doesn't know her? Doing everything from Beavis and Butthead to Nathaniel Hawthorne, we've seen her tits (most notably in Striptease) and we've seen her wits (most recently in Mr. Brooks) and her death would be headline news around the world. Does anyone want to see Ashton Kutcher on camera anymore, though? He's stupid enough to film an episode of Punk'd at her funeral. And no one wants to see Rumer at all. The only good thing about her death is she would finally be free of her shame for taking part in Nothing But Trouble, winner of Smart Centipede's "What The-?" (What The Fuck Were They Thinking?) Award, given to the film with the biggest celebrity cast considered to be a total and utter flop.ODDS: 40-1

Judd Nelson - The oldest of the Brat Pack, Nelson hasn't really mattered since New Jack City. He made a mini come back with "Suddenly Susan" on TV, but this edgy rebel has failed to make a significant contribution to outweigh his shameful blight. His only lead role of signifigance was as a cartoon Autobot, for Chrissake. I mean, c'mon, Judd... STEEL?!? What, did you lose a bet? I can just imagine what it was like that day at the Judd household: "Y'know, I'm looking for a project that's a guaranteed flop. How about we make a low budget movie about an obscure comic book character with that basketball player who starred in Kazaam?" His latest project is called Netherbeast Incorporated, about an office full of Vampires. As Jimmy Doohan said in Star Trek II: "Sir, he's dead already." ODDS: 7-4

Molly Ringwald - Seen most recently singing the National Anthem at a Detroit Tigers game. No, really. She looks so... normal. She looks like my cousin. She doesn't look like a celebrity. She certainly doesn't look like a celebrity who will be dying any time soon. Her last notable performance was a cameo in a movie that makes fun of her (Not Another Teen Movie). I see Molly as the LAST of the Brat Pack, the one who lives to give the interviews when each of the other ones dies. She'll outlive them all, I tell ya, and never make another blip on the movie radar. She'll be the answer to many pop culture trivia questions, and have token appearances and cameos in television well into her sixties.ODDS: 150-1

Ally Sheedy - She's my dark horse pick. She always seems so somber, so fretful, so dark. Her last role of consequence was Teresa Luna, in John Candy's "Only The Lonely," which won Smart Centipede's "Where The-?" (Where The Fuck Did THAT Come From?) Award for most unexpected pyrotechnic scene in a romantic comedy. The only one who's best work came BEFORE Breakfast Club (Wargames was pure genius, dammit!) She went on to "film" Maid in Manhattan and Short Circuit 2: Electric Bugaloo.ODDS: 15-1


Honorary Mention: Mare Winningham - Not even identified as a Brat Packer in many sources, Mare is the Joey Bishop of the Brat Pack. She's the one that people will lose bar bets on, staunchly defending that she wasn't part of the Brat Pack, and many of them will have to be told who she is, and even then she will be mistaken for an elderly Leah Thompson ala "Back To The Future." ODDS: 100000-1