I Am So Depressed...

True story.

I am parked down by the beach today, eating my lunch. I am backed into a spot, facing East, and a red corvette convertible is parked on my passenger side, facing west. The driver of that Vette and I both have our windows down. He appears to be a shaven headed, stocky, middle aged man in his mid to late 30s (no, it was not a mirror). I hear him speaking very loudly on his cell phone, and, while not actively listening, it's sorta impossible for me to not overhear some of what's being said.

He first makes mention about how it's nice to help people heal and all, but his talents could be used elsewhere. He then tells the being on the other line, "I mean, what kind of healer are you gonna go with, I bring a sense of humor to the party."

The use of the phrase "healer" strikes me as unconventional, so I assume he is a practitioner of alternative medicine, like acupuncture, or massage therapy, or tantric sex therapist. He then explains how a healer with his skills is in demand, and that he can find a place in another group no problem. I take it to mean he's having difficulty wherever he practices medicine, and is looking to shift to another office.

I hear mention of what sounds like his group's "rate schedule" conflicting with his, and I take this to mean that he doesn't think they charge clients enough for his services, or certainly aren't compensating him to the level that he desires. He goes on to tell the other party that he knows of several groups that are seeking his skills, and he's due to make a decision sometime soon.

He begins to discuss the make-up of the organization he's currently working with, and bemoans the fact that they seem to be highly disorganized, and again makes mention of their schedule being a mess, especially with their rates (except it almost sounded like 'raids'). He then goes on to tell the listener that he's one of the best there is, and his group knows it, but he's done messing around with them. He's gotten offers, apparently, from groups with cool names like Axiom, all of whom recognize his superior skills and would be very pleased to have a healer like him working with them.

By now I have created an image in my head of this healer next to me, striding confidently into a medical convention, representatives of other firms flocking around him with offer sheets, sort of like a baseball free agent, and I am starting to question my view of the medical field. Could it really be like this, with doctors trying to shift offices, threatening his medical group with his departure? This guy was obviously a rock star of the medical world, and I felt a bit of admiration for a doctor who had that kind of confidence and success, sitting right next to little old me, sharing this small stretch of peace and quiet.

But something's not right. The pieces aren't fitting, and I don't know why. Something isn't kosher in this image.

Then he says something that punches the first shaft of daylight through the dark night of illusion. "Everyone says I'm so good that I should be on a 1st server."

Huh? Server? "Did he mean 'be a 1st responder'?" I wonder to myself. Maybe it wasn't alternative medicine. I listen further, hearing him again name guilds that he might be heading-

Wait a minute. Did he just say joining a guild? That'd definitely be alternative medicine, then, but-

He then mentions their rate schedule, except this time, I hear it as "raid schedule." Which is, of course, the way he said it the first time, because this jag-off isn't a doctor, he's talking about his role as a healer on World of Warcraft.

As I sit trying to keep my jaw from hanging open like one of the undead, Captain Personality shifts topics. The girl on the other end of the line is, to him, "a real doll." He says that soon, she'll find herself on the East Coast, and when she gets here, she'll want to check out the Long Island beaches, and he'll be here to show her around. He tells her she's not like the other chicks from the server who call him all the time and say "oooh, you're the best" (which this schmuck actually says in a sing-song girly voice). She's more down to Earth, and he can't wait to hang out with her.

I have been waiting 6 HOURS to get home and post this. I feel like I'm looking at the back of a Highlights for Kids magazine, looking at the "what's wrong with this picture?" page that has already been filled in.

A.) Captain Cheese Dick is so impressed with his abilities as a healer in a fucking MMORPG that he's threatening to take his services to another group.
B.) There are other groups in that MMORPG that are actively recruiting him.
C.) He thinks anyone is going to believe that chicks are calling him and saying "you're the best" based on his video game prowess.
D.) He thinks anyone is going to believe that chicks are calling him.
E.) He's telling a chick he's actually speaking to about the other chicks who call him.
F.) He is so in love with himself that he is singing his own praises to a girl he has never met before, and expects that there will be muchas smoochas when she finds herself on the East Coast.
G.) He is taking the time to engage in a phone conversation with someone he has never met before over his prowess at a video game.
H.) OH MY GOD THIS FUCKING LOSER DRIVES A CORVETTE.

Even losers are more successful than me.

Fuck. My. Life.