Sunday, December 03, 2006

Kneel Before Me, My Evil Minions!

This is your orientation video. I am your new employer, The Evil Headcheese!

Welcome to the Cadre Of Dastardly Evildoers! You've taken the first step in becoming a Master of Destiny by joining my legion of evil! Among the benefits of being a foot soldier in my war on righteousness is the delight of watching the pathetic denizens of this wretched planet scream for mercy, the sheer rush of power from commanding the forces of nature to rebel against them, and full dental coverage.

If you'll look under your seat you'll find your information packet. In it, you'll find your henchman rulebook, a copy of the organization mission statement, a 1099 Tax form, Death Ray registration card and wallet sized permit, a non-disclosure agreement, and an application for direct deposit. If you are unsure of what information to put on the tax form, just leave it blank and you can fill it in sometime next week.

Within this information packet is also a dossier on our sworn arch-enemy, Whiz-Guy. Be sure to study this dossier, as it lists suspected aliases, known weaknesses, and attack patterns, and should we get a surprise visit from Whiz-Guy, each evil minion is expected to know how to disable him. We also get audited bi-monthly by corporate, and if just one of you fails to provide the correct information, we could fail our audit, and you don't want to be around me should THAT happen!

Upon completion of your paperwork, please return your pen and report to outfitting. You will provide your sizes to the clerk and receive your henchman jumpsuit, name badge, security card, gloves, boots, and goggles. There will be a $70 staff dress charge, but this can be drawn directly from your first paycheck. A second jumpsuit can be purchased for a one-time discount of $30, and we offer free laundry service to any on-duty personnel.

Next you will report to the armory, where you will receive your Death Ray and flight belt. Take special care of these items, as you are responsible for their operation and maintenance. We offer in house repair service, but many henchmen learn to repair their own weapons and utility devices to save on the $250 repair fee.

As a minion of unspeakable evil, you are entitled to health benefits after 120 days of employment or two super hero raids, whichever comes first. Vacation days are accrued at the rate of one a month after six months of continual employment, and can be rolled over into the next calendar year, but vacation requests must be submitted in writing no later than 30 days prior to the first day of vacation period. You receive one sick/personal day every 30 days, and these cannot be carried over into the next calendar year. Some dastardly plans may create "blackout" dates during which employees cannot schedule vacation, but these times are usually announced well in advance in the daily briefing. It is your responsibility to read these daily briefs. For every eight hours on the clock, you are eligible for one hour of break time. Cigarette breaks are prohibited, and smoking within the base itself is likewise prohibited, except in the properly designated areas, such as the volcanic catwalk.

Your first week will consist of basic henchman training, learning the basics of the Tectonic Upheaval Device, how to secure manacles, and laser training. Once you're reached the six month service milestone, you'll be eligible for advanced henchman training, including piloting of undersea submersibles, terror tanks, and hovercrafts. Aircraft training will be offered to qualified employees at supervisor's discretion.

There is room for advancement within the Cadre as well! New positions are always opening in the middle management tiers, and qualified applicants will be considered on a first come first served basis. Also, new for this year is our referral system. For every evil henchman you recruit into the Cadre, you will receive a $100 bonus in pay (pending a successful background and genetic screening).

I would like to close by welcoming you once again into the Cadre Of Dastardly Evildoers, and encourage you to be on your worst behavior! Together we will make the rivers run red with the blood of the righteous! (Which is our fourth quarter goal, coincidentally.)