Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Saving Lives and Souls

Having decided to further pursue a career in coaching girls softball (like I did for five years at the Southampton College campus of Wrong Island Screwnivershitty) I applied for a coaching job at a local high school. To get said job, I will need to take courses in Philosophy, Principles and Organization of Athletics, Theory and Techniques of Coaching, and Health Sciences Applied to Coaching within a year of my appointment, as well as courses in Child Abuse Identification and certification in CPR and First Aid.

The CPR and First Aid training was my first task. Online courses are readily available. Frighteningly so.

CPRToday! Offers online certification. I went for the deluxe package, CPR, First Aid, and AED (those neat little defibrillators that tell you what to do.) For $54.95, I have been certified in all three within a matter of minutes. I even got three of the forty four questions wrong (who knew a break didn't always indicate a compound fracture?), making my score a 93.18181818% (85% is a passing grade). The problem being, the site told me exactly which questions I got wrong. Out of curiosity (and because I am anal retentive like a mother fucker) I clicked "Back" on my browser and corrected my three mistakes, and submitted the test again. 100% correct, as if I hadn't made a mistake that could have cost someone their lives.

So that proves that anyone with $54.95, an internet connection, and a color printer can, by process of elimination, become a certified Life Saver (much to the chagrin of the Suckers who will rely on them to save their lives).

Seeing how easy it was to become a savior of mortal lives, I decided to take a crack at saving mortal souls as well. After roughly three minutes, by providing only my name and address, I am now an Ordained Minister in the Universal Life Church. To get that official certificate, I'll have to pay $4.95 and wait for it to be mailed. Don't believe me? Check THIS out! Suck failure, FREAKS!

So I guess if I can't save your life, I can at least perform last rites for you.

I also took a few minutes to become a Sea Captain (even though I don't own a boat), become a Rap Star, complete a course in free style pottery, get knighted by the Monarchy of Aruba, become a private investigator, complete an online clerkship for a personal injury lawyer, and earn my degree in Advanced Astrophysics.

So if you see me on the street pontificating, pantocrating, investigating, waxing, waning, gazing, or glazing, stop and say "Hello, Your Excellency The High Reverend Sir Doctor Captain Kenneth Michael Thomas Beck, Esquire. What up, Mutha Fucka?"

I just might absolve you of your sins (and sue you in the process).