Assembled at Last

I waited. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't just a crush. To make sure it was not just a one night stand with a woman that looked really good in the low light of the bar with a couple of Jameson's in me that stands revealed in the cold light of day as something better left behind. I wanted to make sure that the movie was as good as I thought it was when I saw it on opening day before I wrote any kind of review of it.

I can now say, after having seen it once a day for a week straight and nine times total since opening day, that Marvel's The Avengers is the best superhero movie I have ever seen. Mayhap the best ever created. And it might not even need that "superhero" qualifier.

Marvel Comics has played the smartest game they could have when it comes to the movie scene. After they saw the great (Spider Man, X-Men, Spider Man 2, X-Men 2, Blade), good (Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four 2, X-Men Last Stand) and abysmal (Ghost Rider, Daredevil, Hulk (the vomit inducing Ang Lee version)) offerings that other companies had put forth using their intellectual property, they said "hey, we could probably do that as well, and see a whole fuck-ton of money more than we make printing funny-books," and Marvel Studios was born.

Since then they have made their mark and proven that super heroes are not just for kids. Iron Man was their first offering, and boy, did they hit the ground running. The Incredible Hulk reclaimed the Jade Giant from the clutches of Ang Lee and, if you stayed beyond the credits, featured a game changing cameo by Robert Downey, Jr., who then brought it all back for Iron Man 2. Suddenly, audiences knew to stay through the credits, waiting eagerly for the post credit stingers that they could find teasing the next installments of a franchise that grew out of nowhere under their noses. Thor became the first confirmation of what we already knew, as the last credit in the movie states that Thor will return in The Avengers. Captain America then put all the pieces in place and blew us all to nerd heaven with the first official teaser for The Avengers, a moment that made me literally gasp out loud.

I have been waiting since for this movie. So..........

(big huge spoilers follow; do NOT read if you haven't seen the movie).

Nerdgasm Activate!

Eleven Reasons The Avengers Movie Is The Best Super Hero Movie Ever

He can pretty much shoot you in the
dick from as far out as New Jersey.

1. Hawkeye is a man among super-men. As such, you would expect the character to continually question his place on the team. But he shows off his strategic genius, managing to single-handedly disable the entire S.H.I.E.L.D. (hereby de-acronymized to SHIELD) Helicarrier with a couple of well placed arrows (under Loki's control), and coordinating the heroes final battle while picking off a truckload of flying aliens with a weapon that was made obsolete with the invention of the freaking musket. Thankfully, the makers of the film spared us (and Jeremy Renner) the indignity of seeing the purple-robin-hood-in-a-pointy-mask costume that the comics incarnation sported, and the character was more sniper master assassin and less carnival trickshot archer. That would have looked ridiculous, and that's saying a lot in a movie that features a grown man wearing a red velvet cape. Not that the cape wasn't regal, as...

Wearing mother's drapes.

2. Thor does just enough to remind you that he is a god without being a cure-all plot breaking Macguffin. Thor has always been an odd character in the comics. The odd dialect, the cape, the world-shattering power, the arrogance, the golden flared boots... he always seemed out-of-place with the Avengers. Chris Hemsworth's turn as the God of Thunder gave the character a humanity while still maintaining the feeling of someone far more powerful than everyone around him, and more importantly, for the first time in the fifty years Thor has been around, has given the character the humility that one would think being exiled from the Eternal Realm of Asgard to Earth would impart. Thor carries the lessons learned in the previous movie well, and truly stands out among his human peers without appearing ridiculous. Hemsworth was a great lead in Thor, but he fit nicely into the supporting role in The Avengers, because...

Somehow cooler without the multi-
billion dollar suit of high-tech armor.

3. Iron Man was a leading man despite the fact that he was not the "leader." Played Marvel-ously by Robert Downey Jr., who originally pushed Joss Whedon for a bulk of the screen time, even stating that "I need to be in the opening sequence... Tony needs to drive this thing." Luckily, the original plan of the movie held strong, and Downey felt integrated to the rest of the cast. Even so, he delivers the aloof genius of Tony Stark with perfection, and grabs the spotlight with his performance. He shines through with his humor in the face of armageddon, providing laughs nearly every minute he is on the screen without being mere comic relief. The character has evolved a great deal throughout the course of the three movies he has been featured in, and the metamorphosis continues here. He goes from a billionaire playboy concerned only with the luxuries of life to a true team player. As Stark himself says early on, "following isn't really my style," and yet, when the chips are down, he suppresses his ego, lays on the wire, and defers to a greater tactical wisdom, as...

Having slept for seventy years, Cap's
morning breath could kill M.O.D.O.K.

4. Captain America finally finds his place in our time. Chris Evans, to me, was a curious choice for Cap, especially seeing as how he had already owned a previous Marvel property with his Johnny Storm in Fantastic Four, but I stood corrected by the second reel of Captain America: The First Avenger. He conveys the spirit of the era exceptionally well, and I have always been a sucker for emotional goodbyes, which makes the final few minutes of CA:TFA especially poignant. In The Avengers, Evans still maintains that anachronistic "man out of time" personality, addressing Black Widow as "ma'am" more than once. He feels like a man adrift, trying to adjust to the expectations of the new world around him. When he goes toe to toe with not one, but two Gods and comes out standing, you are reminded as much of the "soldier" as you are of the "super." As the team finally coalesces for the final confrontation, Cap takes the reigns, commanding a God, a monster, two assassins and an armored genius, reminding us that he is one of the keenest strategic minds ever to serve the flag. And he has perhaps the coolest line in the entire movie...

No caption can capture the pure joy
that this smile brings to the Hulk fans.

5. "Hulk... SMASH." Mark Ruffalo, when asked about inheriting the role of Bruce Banner from Edward Norton, was quoted as saying that the role of Bruce Banner was like "this generation's Hamlet." While that comparison may have had some scratching their heads, he explained it to us. Fiercely. The key to nearly all superhero movies is how well the actor portrays the alter ego. The rest is just a stunt double in a goofy mask. Not so with Ruffalo. He is the first Banner to actually play the Hulk as well, having done the motion capture for the monster. He not only gives us the ultimate version of the bookish loner, but he adds an edge to the character, and for the first time we see a Banner who isn't terrified of his inner curse, but rather knows full well the terrible power he can unleash and is not crippled by it. And to top it all off, he conveys the raw fury that the Hulk represents, giving the creature a fierce, ape-like demeanor. This Hulk is truly a wild animal, barely in control of its emotion, and every twitch, tremble and spasm gives the viewer the true sense of unfettered rage, which finally gets its outlet in the movie's crescendo. He even manages to absolutely terrify...

Positively owning Loki's ass.
Check and mate, asshole.

6. The Black Widow, the ultimate femme fatale. In a world where a billionaire playboy dons a suit of high tech tank-busting armor and the Gods walk the Earth hurling lightning bolts from their magic hammers, what place is there for Natasha Romanov, a woman with no super powers (beyond near-superhuman beauty of Scarlett Johansson)? How about being the ultimate chess player, using her unique skill sets and genius intellect to outwit pretty much everyone she comes into conflict with? Too often in these movies the female characters are simply love interests for the male characters to rescue, or the "emotional core" of these teams. Natasha is neither. Not only does she kick the ass of several men (and aliens) throughout the movie, but she manages to outwit the Lord of Lies. Let me say that again, a God whose specialty, whose entire mythological raison d'être, is deceiving people, tips his hand to this woman. He takes it in stride, however, as after all...

He uses one of the most sexist insults
 in the English language, and women
still drop trou at the sound of his voice.

7. Loki IS the Trickster God. Tom Hiddleston is brilliant as Loki, foster brother of Thor. He nails the range of the character, from the grandiose monologue about humanity being fettered by freedom to the slick devilish smile that plays across his lips as he passes Banner in his lab. That smile is seen several times throughout the movie, and it is a perfect representation of his personality; someone who finds true joy at seeing the lesser being he was meant to rule acknowledge his power. He is pure unadulterated evil, and even goes so far as to address the Black Widow as a "mewling quim" (pretty much calls her a whining cunt). Loki shows the strength, speed and invulnerability that reminds us that he is a God, even though he totally isn't (he's a runt Frost Giant, it turns out). His brain is his true ultimate weapon, the strength and bulletproof skin and illusion powers are just his fallback shit. He is the ultimate trickster, the master deceiver. He needs every trick in his bag, though, because...

Hand me my file. It's the one that says
"Bad Mother-fucker" on the front of it.

8. Nick Fury is the spy of spies. His secrets have secrets. Samuel L. Jackson is a geek, and you know it from his performance. Noted sic-fi fan Jackson has left his mark on the nerd-iverse already, having talked his way into a role in the ultimate sci-fi epic Star Wars. When Marvel Comics relaunched some of its properties under the Ultimate line, Nick Fury was designed by artist Bryan Hitch to look like Samuel L. Jackson without the actor's consent. Once Jackson saw the character, however, he dug it so much that he contacted Marvel Studios to make sure he got the role in any upcoming Marvel movies. He is, as Tony Stark says, THE Spy. The master manipulator. Responsible for the safety of a world being flooded with beings who cannot be matched, Fury will do whatever it takes to ensure that humanity comes out on top in the end. He is the leader of the ultimate security force, and as such...

Yes, that's the world exploding around

him, even though he looks only mildly

perturbed. That's just how Coulson rolls.

9. SHIELD takes no guff. They have a flying aircraft carrier that turns invisible. They have jets that can land on a dime. They have the most sophisticated weapons humanity can buy (or make using a Cosmic Cube). The heart and soul of SHIELD is Agent Phil Coulson, played by the coolest supporting actor in super hero movie history, Clark Gregg. Throughout the movies, Phil Coulson has been set up as a bit of a foil for our heroes, a pencil pusher who needs to be dodged and avoided. He pesters a traumatized Tony Stark to be debriefed after his captivity by the Ten Rings (Iron Man), he threatens to taze him while Stark is under house arrest (Iron Man 2), and he confiscates Jane Foster's research (Thor). But all the while, you can't help but like the guy. In the Avengers, Coulson becomes the glue that binds the team together. He stands revealed as the everyman bringing them all together. He has a life, a hobby, a love interest. He has a personality. And then Loki murders him. He grows into someone you root for, someone you care about, and someone you mourn. He turns a team of solo adventurers into Avengers. He is the highlight of the unsung keys to this film, which is a tall order, because...

Smulders smolders, Gwyneth giveth, Skarsgard scores, Paul is pitch-perfect

10. The supporting characters do their job perfectly. Colbie Smulders as Maria Hill is a nice addition, giving a personality to a character whose comic incarnation is about as fun as a gym sock full of tuberculosis. Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts gives Stark the emotional anchor, the base on which he builds his empire. Stellan Skarsgard as Erik Selvig reminds us that Thor had an amazing impact on those he met on his first trip to Earth. And my personal favorite touch, Paul Bettany as the voice of Jarvis, Tony Stark's AI. In the comics, Jarvis was the butler first of Tony Stark, and then of the entire team. One of the coolest changes to the comics lore is making the dutiful Butler character the AI manservant that runs Tony's technological wonderland. Bettany does a stellar job of giving just the right amount of emotion to what comes down to an emotionless program. The dialogue between Tony and Jarvis has always been fun, and it is downright poetic here. Whatever the challenge, Jarvis is always there for his master. Which is good, because if you stayed through the credits, you know that the biggest challenge...

"..." - Thanos, most exciting line of 2012

11. Thanos, The Mad Titan, is coming. The first time I saw the movie, I knew who it was before they even revealed it. When the leader of the Chitauri says "to challenge them is to court Death," I knew Death should be capitalized. I almost ripped my brother's jacket grabbing his arm to let him know that this was a significant moment to be observed. My only worry is that they're going too deep too quickly. After Thanos tries to wipe out half the universe to impress his girlfriend (Death), what threat could they possibly face that will match up?

Missed Opportunities:

1. Not once did I hear anyone say "Assemble." I mean, come on. It's their thing.

2. Thor initiates hostilities with Iron Man without warning. Sneak attacks are unworthy of a true Asgardian warrior-liege. He knows it, I know it, and if you know anything about Thor, you know it too. Han Solo can't shoot a bounty hunter looking to kill him first, but someone with a code of honor larger than a small Star Destroyer can backstab a known hero? Also, would Thor really just smash Captain America's shield without knowing it was indestructible? He could have killed him.

3. A nice emotional opportunity was missed by Tony's call to Pepper not being answered. I've always been a sucker for emotional goodbyes (Haley Atwell and Chris Evans' final exchange in Captain America was perfect).

4. Cap's costume is too blue from behind. How tough would it have been to continue the red and white from the front, and give us the star on his back?

5. "Puny God." Delivered purely for laughs, which were already abundant in the attack on Loki. Unnecessary, and completely took me out of the Hulk's rage that was working so nicely.

Character Futures:

Iron Man

These are the "facts" available as of this moment regarding Iron Man 3:

• R.D., Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow and Don Cheadle return in their respective roles.
• Tony is rumored to travel to China.
• Ben Kingsley is slated to play the Mandarin, one of Iron Man's oldest foes.
• Guy Pierce is playing Dr. Aldrich Killian, developer of the Extremis serum from the comics.

Thor

These are the "facts" available as of this moment regarding Thor 2:

• Almost every major character is returning with the exception of Rene Russo and Kat Dennings.
• Amora the Enchantress and Skurge the Executioner are rumored to be featured.
• Tom Hiddleston has stated he'd like to bring Loki back towards the side of good in the upcoming movie, showing that he is not beyond redemption.

Captain America

These are the "facts" available as of this moment regarding Captain America 2:

• Chris Evans is back as Steve Rogers/Captain America.
• S.L.J. is back as Nick Fury.

Agent Phil Coulson

Clark Gregg has been rumored to be in talks to reprise his role as Agent Coulson, despite the crippling handicap that the character is dead. The Phil Coulson Wikipedia page has the following nugget couched within: 

• Coulson speaks briefly with Fury and is then seen falling into a non-responsive state as paramedics approach, his last words being to note that the heroes needed something to avenge; Fury relays over the radio that paramedics have called time of death, though they are not shown doing so onscreen.  (Emphasis mine)

Non-responsive state? Lack of proof of death? I smell a convoluted plot device. While I love the character of Phil Coulson, it would aggravate me to no end if they use the "mostly dead" trick from Princess Bride. But here, in a throw away line, is the answer to the question "how do we keep one of the coolest actors around involved in this series despite the fact that we killed him". (From The Avengers, the scene in which Coulson is placing an urgent call to Tony Stark):

• Jarvis: Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocol's are being overwritten. 
• [Coulson's voice can be heard through Stark's phone]
• Agent Phil Coulson: Stark, we need to talk.
• [Stark picks up his phone and looks into it at Coulson]
• Tony Stark: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message. 
• Agent Phil Coulson: This is urgent.
• Tony Stark: Then leave it urgently.

Enter the Life Model Decoy (LMD). Don't misunderstand, I in no way, shape, or form endorse the plot twist that the Phil Coulson that Loki murdered was actually an LMD. Instead, I posit that SHIELD (creator of the LMD in the comics continuity) has created a LMD of Phil Coulson. Imagine the possibilities. Coulson is still up and running around, and everybody is getting creeped the fuck out. It would be great.

Thanos

Thanos loves Death. Not just the concept, but the actual physical embodiment. He gives her lives like other men give women chocolates. Thanos' ultimate storyline was The Infinity Gauntlet. Many sharp-eyed viewers claim that The Infinity Gauntlet was seen in Odin's Vault when the Jotun break in to steal back the Casket of Ancient Winters. 

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Given these facts, and trying to utilize them in ways most conducive to the formulas Marvel Studios has come to rely on...

My Conjectural Predictions For The Sequels:

Iron Man 3: 

Dr. Aldrich Killian is working on the Extremis Serum, a nano-tech based attempt to duplicate the Super Soldier serum used to turn Steve Rogers into Captain America. His compound is attacked by The Mandarin, who easily cuts a swath through the security of his compound and kidnaps the scientist using his ten rings of power.

Tony Stark, following the events of The Avengers, is in New York working on renovating Stark Tower to serve as a headquarters for the Avengers. SHIELD tells him about the disappearance of Killian. The organization known as the Ten Rings (who originally kidnapped Stark at the behest of Obediah Stane) has claimed responsibility, and are holding him in China.

They also reveal that they have created a Life Model Decoy of Agent Phil Coulson. Pepper is disturbed by what she views as a mockery of a lost friend. Tony does not approve either, saying that machinery will never replace the human soul, and that this pale imitation disgraced the memory of Phil. Tony leaves for his Malibu home to prepare for a trans-Pacific flight, while Pepper remains in New York.

The Mandarin explains to a terrified Killian that he has weaponized Extremis using salvaged Stark technology and a small California desert town (lets call it Sunville) is attacked as a test, creating hundreds of Extremis infected people. Iron Man flies into action, and after a lengthy battle with several Extremis infected super humans who show no signs of relenting, is forced to watch as Rhodey follows command orders and incinerates Sunville with a huge bomb mounted on his War Machine armor. Tony and Rhodey argue over the use of his armor, stating that they need to be more than just weapons of mass destruction, claiming he might have found a way to cure them given time, and Tony denounces Rhodey's friendship.

Pepper returns to California where she talks to Tony about his confrontation with Rhodey. She is disturbed to see Tony so determined about blaming Rhodes for following orders when there was no other alternative present. Tony is adamant that there could have been another option, and he is more angry at himself for being unable to find it in time. She reminds him that he is, indeed, only human. "Tell that to Sunville," he replies. Feeling he needs an edge to defeat the Extremis, he studies a sample of it collected from Sunville. He begins an attempt to modify the code of the nano-tech.

Knowing that Tony Stark is a potential obstacle to his ultimate goal, The Mandarin infects Killian and sends him to attack Tony. In the ensuing battle, Killian detonates the modified sample Tony is working on, infecting Tony. Rhodey returns in time to help defeat Killian, who retreats, leaving a trail back to China. Tony is overwhelmed by the Extremis, and in his altered state attacks Rhodey. Rhodey easily defeats the disoriented and injured Tony, who is in agony from fighting what the serum is doing to him. In a moment of weakness, Tony begs Rhodey to kill him like he killed the residents of Sunville before the serum takes him over completely. Rhodey instead takes him to the SHIELD Helicarrier where a blond male scientist who claims to specialize in nano-tech attempts to purge the nano-tech serum from his system. The Helicarrier takes off for China in pursuit of Killian.

Rhodey decides to violate his orders to stand down and instead goes after Killian himself. Still weak from the serum's affects, Tony cannot do anything but watch and listen as they monitor Rhodey's transmissions. He defeats Killian, but spares him, stating that he is not a murderer. Killian is then executed by the Mandarin. The Mandarin proceeds to battle Rhodey. Rhodey unleashes all the power of his weapons on Mandarin, who unleashes the power of his ten rings.

On the Helicarrier (which is arriving outside Chinese airspace), Rhodey's transmission goes dead. After a few minutes, someone on the deck sees Rhodey soaring up towards them. As they celebrate his victory, however, the armor crashes on the deck, smashing into the ship's super-structure. When they eventually find Rhodey, he is near death inside his armor. They bring him into the medical lab, where he lay in front of Tony, apologizing for killing the residents of Sunville. Tony apologizes to him, and the two are friends again. Rhodey voices regret over just acting like a machine following commands. He dies as techs work feverishly to remove his armor and give him medical treatment.

Tony mourns the loss of Rhodey. As he lay helpless, the LMD of Phil Coulson speaks to him. He gives an inspiring speech to Tony about holding onto his humanity, telling him to fight like he did against Stane, and Vanko, and Loki. Tony realizes that the LMD has all the memories of Phil Coulson, and as such is the closest thing to Phil Coulson that there is left. He learns to accept Coulson as an ally built to honor the memory of his friend rather than an abomination. He rises, fighting against the Extremis and dons his armor once again, leaving the helicarrier to avenge Rhodey's death.

He engages the Mandarin in combat, and is slammed around for a bit, the Extremis serum unable to keep up with his injuries. As he finds himself near defeat, he realizes that Rhodey's final words were the key. He allows the program of the modified Extremis to finally take over his body. He becomes fully infected, and his brain finishes the reprogramming of the nano-tech. No longer needing to divert energy into converting Tony's system, the Extremis is now allowed to focus its programming on healing Tony.

This turns the tide of the battle in Tony's favor, his new Extremis modified perceptions allowing him to do lightning fast computations and analyze and counter the Mandarin's powers (two of them being displayed as Density Manipulation and Energy Projection). Tony crushes and rips off the Mandarin's hands, defeating him.

Back on board the Helicarrier, SHIELD informs Tony that they have found a way to purge the Extremis serum from his system. Tony briefly considers keeping the power, but remembers Rhodey's regrets about being just a machine following commands. He also sees Phil Coulson's LMD watching him, and remembers his words about holding onto his humanity. He tells them to purge it.

Back in Los Angeles, Tony and Pepper are reunited. They attend Rhodey's funeral. They return to Stark's home in Malibu. She makes mention of the Coulson LMD, but Stark explains that the memory of Phil Coulson is what counts. The LMD was created to honor the memory their friend, not disgrace it. He explains that he was wrong about the LMD. When Pepper expresses mock surprise that Tony admits to being wrong, he quips, "I'm only human."

POW! Credits.

Stinger: The blond scientist is looking at the shattered remains of the Density Manipulation and Energy Projection rings, lying among the remaining rings which are damaged beyond repair. He is extracting circuitry from each and laying it into an open circuit board that also is obviously being transformed by Extremis nano-tech, which absorbs the circuits as they are placed within. As he re-conceals the circuit board behind a diamond shaped lens surrounded by skin, we see it is the control circuits in the forehead of the Phil Coulson LMD. The circuitry activates, and bleaches the skin of the Coulson LMD. The LMD's eyes spring open, and they now glow with energy. The blond scientist is now seen from the front, and the badge on his lab coat reads Pym, Henry. "Beautiful," Pym says. "You are an absolute Vision!"

POW POW!

Thor 2:

Loki sits within a prison in Asgard. Odin and Loki discuss his banishment and subsequent attack on Midgard. Loki shows defiance, but Odin maintains that he still loves him as a son, and Loki seems to waiver. Loki admits to feelings of abandonment and betrayal, and that his attack on Midgard was born not of ambition but of revenge. Thor enters and discusses his past with Loki, and his hopes that one day Loki will forgive him for driving him to such actions.

Thor requests that his father send him back to Midgard to visit Jane Foster. Odin reminds Thor that he is soon to be king of Asgard, and cannot spend his time on such frivolous sojourns. The two men journey to the end of the shattered Bifrost, where Heimdall continues to watch over Asgard. Using the Tesseract, Odin rebuilds the Bifrost, sends Thor to Midgard, and suggests that he say farewell to Jane Foster before he returns.

On Earth, Thor reunites with Jane Foster, who is touring as a lecturer on the subject of Einstein-Rosen bridges. They discuss Thor's involvement in thwarting Loki's Chitauri army, and Jane is excited about the scientific implications of the Tesseract allowing space travel and alien contact. Thor discusses bringing Jane back to Asgard to serve as his Queen when he takes the throne, but Jane is hesitant to leave Earth. Thor suggests that she visit Asgard with him.

Meanwhile, Heimdall sees something from the Bifrost that prompts him to warn Odin. Before he can, Asgard is attacked by a purple Hulk-like creature that tears through much of their defenses. Loki tells Odin that the attacker is the Mad Titan Thanos, and he is here in search of the Tesseract. Sif and the Warriors Three attempt to hold off Thanos as Odin retreats to his vault. There Odin splits the Tesseract into six pyramid shaped gems (the Infinity Gems) and scatters them across the nine realms. Thanos critically injures Odin, and then disappears to find the fragments of the Tesseract.

On Earth, Jane is attacked by Amora and Skurge, acting on Odin's concern (against his orders) that Jane is a distraction to his son's duties to Asgard. Thor repulses the attack, and they retreat. She returns to Asgard under Thor's protection, unable to pass up on the opportunity to visit another world. When they return through the gate, they see that Asgard has been laid to ruin by Thanos' attack, and it does not have long before it will cease to be. Thor finds Sif and the others attending to a wounded Heimdall and Odin.

Odin tells Thor that the Infinity Gems must be found. Odin names Thor the rightful King of Asgard, commands he retrieve the Infinity Gems, and dies. Heimdall suggests that Loki knows other ways in and out of Asgard (as seen in Thor). 

Thor refuses to believe that Loki will help them willingly, but surprisingly, Loki agrees. Lead by Heimdall, Loki brings Thor, Jane, Sif and the Warriors three with him to find the Infinity gems. Thor commands Heimdall to watch over Jane, as they still don't know the location of Amora and Skurge.

The Asgardians travel first to the remains of Jotunheim, where Loki reveals the hiding place of the Space Gem, which allows them to travel withouthaving to go back to Asgard each time. They must battle their way past angry Frost Giants to retrieve it. 

The Time Gem is located in Muspelheim, and they must face Surtur's fire demons to retrieve it. Thor is able to elude Surtur using the Time Gem and they escape Muspelheim.

The Power Gem is in Svartalfheim, where the war between the Dark and Light Elves rages. As rightful King of Asgard, Thor ends the war between the elves. They must defeat the giant wolf Fenrir to retrieve the Gem. They are attacked again by Amora and Skurge, claiming they are acting on Odin's behalf. Again they are defeated and retreat.

The Soul Gem is located in Valhalla, realm of the honored dead. The Valkyrie attack them as intruders in the realm of the dead, but Thor proves in battle that he is bound for Valhalla after his death, and the Valkyrie allow him to enter and retrieve the Gem.

The Reality Gem is in Niffelheim, realm of the dishonored dead, and they must face Hela to retrieve it. After a battle of wits between Loki and Hela, she surrenders the Gem, but they are unable to leave her realm without sacrificing one of them. Hela chooses Jane Foster. Loki volunteers to stay as Hela's prisoner for one thousand years, and after an emotional exchange, Thor and the others bid the redeemed Loki farewell and depart with the Reality Gem.

Heimdall sees the final Gem is actually on Midgard, one of the nine realms. It is in the hands of AIM, a Hydra revival group composed of Loki's disenfranchised followers from The Avengers. Thor finds the Mind Gem being studied by their scientists, and finishes assembling the Infinity Gems in a Gauntlet.


They return to Asgard, only to find Loki has escaped Niffelheim, and the realm has nearly disintegrated into chaos. Loki explains that he made a deal with Hela to leave Niffelheim until his brother no longer needed his help, at which time he will return to her realm for eternity. While Amora and Skurge turn up yet again, Surtur, seeking to punish them for their intrusion into his realm, attacks Asgard. While Loki, Sif, Heimdall and the Warriors Three defeat and finally imprison Amora and Skurge, Thor, using the power of the assembled Infinity Gauntlet, beats Surtur, sending him back to Muspelheim.

It is discovered that with Odin dead, Thor, the new King, is now the key to Asgard's existence. With him gone for so long, the realm has begun to dissolve. Heimdall says he sees the eyes of Thanos looking upon Earth, perhaps having sensed the Infinity Gauntlet unprotected by the defenses of Odin's vault.

Asgard will be destroyed without its King. If he chooses to stay in Asgard, he knows that Thanos may come to Earth and prove too powerful for The Avengers to handle without him. Thor renounces his throne, naming Loki the rightful King of Asgard, explaining that he will always need Loki. Loki can now repair the damage done to the realm by Thanos and Surtur, hold the realm together and avoid returning to Niffelheim, while Thor is free to return to Earth to help defend against the coming of Thanos.

Thor returns to Earth, where he reunites with the Avengers. We see Loki take the throne of Asgard, a slick smile playing across his face. He vowed he would one day return to the throne of Asgard, and now he has it.

POW!

Stinger: Within the ruins of the AIM installation, we see the scientists trying to pick up the pieces of Thor's seizing of the gem. The lead scientist says that even thought they no longer have the Mind Gem, their experiments were complete. They turn to a darkened alcove, where a light snaps on overhead revealing MODOK!

POW! POW!

Captain America 2


Impossible to guess with what's available, but if I'm right so far, Cap vs. AIM/MODOK would be a good guess. Possible heavy SHIELD involvement. Possible reveal of the Coulson LMD as Vision. AIM's secret weapon: The Winter Soldier, the reanimated Bucky Barnes!

POW!

This film's stinger will also set up the rumored Ant-Man movie!

POW! POW!


Ant Man


Ant Man (Hank Pym), Wasp (Janet Van Dyne), and Vision (the Phil Coulson LMD) face off against Simon Williams, who in the end is cured from the disease causing him to be evil by Ant Man.

POW!

This film's stinger will set up Avengers 2!

POW! POW!

The Avengers 2


The Avengers, whose roster now includes Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Ant Man, Wasp, Vision, and Wonder Man face off against Thanos!

POW! POW! POW!

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Or they might do something else. How should I know?

Facebook Idiots

It's time to address yet another annoying element of the internet.

Anyone who claims that this year, a given month has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays, and that it only happens every 823 years and this is the only time we will see this in our lifetime, is either going to be dead by June of 2016, or is so mentally deficient that retarded people speak slowly and condescendingly at them with pity in their eyes.

"Durrrrrrrrrr." - Original Poster 

For fuck's sake, people, check a freaking calendar, would you? If you're on a computer (and if you're viewing these messages at all, YOU ARE) open up the calendar that comes bundled with your computer software and just check. Is your life so hollow and vapid that you're willing to just regurgitate any misinformation that just comes your way like a mother bird feeding a slurry of digested worms to her brood on the off chance that fate, karma, and the Gods of the universe will shower you with riches just for posting a falsehood so easily disprovable that it actually removes IQ points from the speaker to your Facebook feed?

"Thou Shalt Not Spam." 

For the record, the Julian Calendar that we currently use has only 14 possible configurations. If the year starts on a Sunday (as 2012 did) and it is a leap year (as 2012 is) then it ends on a Monday (as 2012 will). If it starts on a Sunday (like 2006) and is not a leap year (like 2006) then it ends on a Sunday (like 2006). Now consider that for each of the other six days of the week. There is a pattern to all this, people. If a given 5 3-day-weekend (for this discussion, Friday is considered a weekend day) configuration shows up, then it will either repeat itself in 5, 6 or 11 years, and even that variable goes in a rotating cycle. If a configuration shows up 5 years after it last appeared, it will then show up in another 6 years, followed by 11 years after that, followed by another 6 years, followed by another 5 years, and then cycle repeats; 5, 6, 11, 6, 5, 6, 11, 6, 5, etc., etc., etc.

Using that formula and moving forward from the last July that had 5 3-day-weekends (2011) we see that July will have 5 3-day-weekends in the following years: 2016, 2022, 2033, 2039, 2044, 2050, 2061, 2067, 2072, 2078, 2089, and 2095.

That's right, ass clown who originally posted this, July of 2012 doesn't even have 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. That was 2011 you were thinking of. Christ, is it too much to ask that our spammers not also be lazy sacks of human effluence?

Smart Centipede Presents: I Bet You Didn't Know

On today's installment of "I Bet You Didn't Know," we explore something you MAY have known, just not in the depth that you think you do.

Did you know that I.O.U. is an acronym? You did? What did you think it stood for? Well, you're probably wrong.

Here it is, the untold origin of the I.O.U.:

Instrument Of Union, dated 1863

In four days in late 1862, The Army of the Confederate States of America scored a major victory over the Union Army at Fredericksburg, VA, having successfully defended the city from invasion by the North. Had the Union taken the city, they would have had a relatively easy run into Richmond, the Confederate Capital City. But the Union Army was delayed in getting pontoon bridges to cross the Rappahannock River, allowing Confederate Lieutenant General Stonewall Jackson time to amass his troops and deal the Union one of it's most humbling defeats in the Civil War.

The battle taxed the Union in that they lost 12,653 men, but also the prolonged four day assault cost them a great deal of their supplies, much of which had to be abandoned in the retreat. Although the North maintained a clear advantage over the South in terms of industrialization, meaning they had a ready supply of ammunition and weapons, their logistic shortcoming was that industrialization did not allow for things that cannot be manufactured, like horses, feed, and food. Wagons and saddles were also in shorter supply, as those were not being mass produced as quickly.

Faced with a shortage of vital logistical supplies, the Union Army began requisitioning the supplies it needed from local farmers and townsfolk. At the insistence of President Abraham Lincoln, rather than just commandeering the supplies needed, the Generals of the Union Army began to issue requisition requests for local farmers, declaring that the supplies being requested were "vital instruments of the Northern Union, necessary to reunite the shattered nation." Thus, when a farmer voluntarily surrendered supplies, the value of said supplies was tallied and listed on a note declaring them "Instruments Of The Union." The already willing Northerners were further assuaged by the promise of payment, and the resulting increase in volunteer goods was vital to the later success of the Union Army. So great was the influx of goods that many of the later Instrument Of The Union letters were being handwritten hastily, and the word "the" was often left off the title.

Following the war, the farmers and townspeople that had willingly surrendered goods for the Union Army's use began bringing their "Instrument Of Union" letters to the government to receive payment. The farmer would be duly compensated for their goods, receiving cash for their "I.O.U." letter.

Hence, the practice of giving someone an I.O.U. for the promise of later payment.

I bet you didn't know that!

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Facebook Fun

Liam Neeson Vs. Conflict

Spoiler Alert.

The Grey sucked.

I know in the days somewhere between my freshman year and now, I might have found this movie somewhat enjoyable, maybe even fantastic.

Those days, apparently, are past.

Liam Neeson plays Ottway, a wolf assassin for an oil pipeline company. Yes, that is his actual job, which sounds even cooler just typing it. He's a fucking wolf assassin. How do you make that job boring? Make him suicidal and weepy over his wife, make it his last day on the job, and then crash his plane on the ride home.

Hilarity ensues when a ragtag group of plane crash survivors must further survive some pretty lousy CGI wolves. Yeah, I know they can't get real wolves, but these looked so off. Maybe it's because I've never actually seen a wolf, but this is my blog, dammit, so the CGI was bad.

Predictable stereotypes prevail in the characters. Diaz is the tough as nails latino ex convict with authority issues, Flannery is the long haired slacker who Hudson-panics for his entire misbegotten appearance, Burke is the huge black guy who is really a big scaredy teddy bear, Talget is the loyal yet flawed pal of the protagonist, etc. etc. etc.

Liam Neeson comes off as every other character he has portrayed in recent memory if they were all working the end of a 22 hour shift and desperately looking to go home and drink a bottle of gin (including Zeus). He has all the answers, knows just what to do, invents weapons out of next to nothing and manages to keep himself alive in a situation that a lesser man would find pants-wettingly impossible.

I picture the conversation with his agent going something like this:

Liam Neeson's Agent: "Wow, Liam, you've been pretty busy. Twenty two movies in the past decade. Maybe a rest is in order?"

Liam Neeson (in what can only be described as a soothing shout): "Why am I not currently fighting someone?!"

LN'sA: "Liam, you've fought Muslims, Sith Lords, Batman, Telmarines, a cowboy, Antonio Banderas, the Albanian Mafia, Justin Long, the Titans, the CIA, assassins... you've fought everyone there is to fight!"

LN: "Fuck it, then I'll fight a pack of wolves!"

The trailer bills this as a Man vs. Nature showdown between the wounded survivors of a plane crash and a pack of bloodthirsty killers. What it is is two hours of them running away from wolves that devour them one at a time. There are cheap scare thrills of wolves jumping out of nowhere to attack and devour the dwindling survivors, but there is no real sense of drama when they aren't directly getting bitten by giant wolves.

It has it's moments where it pretends to be a spiritual message, but these moments are few and far between and feel disconnected.

The trailer hooked me instantly with it's imagery of Liam Neeson taping broken liquor bottles to his knuckles and going all child Leonidas on the mother fuckers. That epic battle that we were led to believe was going to be the epic climax of the movie? Happens off-screen, while the credits are running. SERIOUSLY. Last twenty seconds of the film, Liam decides "fuck it, I'll do it myself," (actual dialogue) straps it on, and leaps at the Alpha male of the pack. Just as the screen cuts to black.

I violated my own rule of staying through the credits, figuring if they weren't going to have the balls to show the fight, why would they show anything else? I even joked to my brother that they probably showed the fight during the closing credits. Turns out I was almost right; according to the internet, there is a post credit stinger that shows Liam's head resting against the stomach of the mortally wounded Alpha male wolf. What the Hell? Is he dead? Dying? Cuddling? Ingesting the innards of his kill to gain it's strength? Is he now the leader of the pack? Is he now rabid?

To quote Mary Steenburgen, "what the fucking fuck?" (I love that I can do that and have it be 100% accurate.)

Skip it.