The BIG GUY!

Heh heh heh... I'm winning the race to go completely bald! Eat my follically challenged dust, brother of mine!

Watching my sister's wedding video tonight, I realized that even five years ago hurricane no hair had a pretty good eye goin' on, while my brother still had a lush head of hair. As his starts to thin slightly, my ozone hole is as gaping as ever, and it has been since I was about 12. What kind of life is that for me? I never stood a chance.

Well, it's either shave my head or shave my wrists, so it's time to see how Edge Gel feels on my pulse spot...

My Ode to People, Including You...

That's right, baby. My ode to you, the average person on the street. Here's to ya, in the pop art style of Andy Warhol.

The Updated Smart Centipede English Dictionary

Befrigged (bee•FRIGD) ADJECTIVE 1. the state of being frigged; Her father didn't care if she ever got off this befrigged island.

Bitchery (BI•chuh•ree) NOUN 1. the act of aggregious complaining for extended periods; I've had it with her endless bitchery.

Blb blub blu blub blu (BLB•blub•blu•blub•blu) INTERJECTION 1. that cheek flab ruffling that Lewis Black does when he's on a roll. "Sentence: "Tom Ridge has the leadership qualities of -Blb blub blu blub blu- a gerbil."

Bunth (buhnth) - NOUN 1. an object or situation that is created out of or used to spite. Sentence: "Tired of hearing that "month" was the only word in the English Language that had no rhyme, Kenn Beck coined the term bunth." pl. -s

Dipstick (DIP•stik) - ADJECTIVE 1. A type of lesbian that is the polar opposite of a lipstick lesbian, i.e. one who specializes in manly activities. Sentence: "Not only did she change the oil in her car... but she also douched with it. She's more dipstick than lipstick." pl. -s

Scyme (skime) - NOUN 1. a thick scum that accumulates on the body during any kind of physical activity involving sweat or bodily fluids and dust or other airborne particles. Sentence: "I have to get home and shower this scyme off my body."

Zjuqix (ZYOO•kiks) - NOUN 1. an object created solely to benefit its creator. Sentence: "Zjuqix is worth 38 points in Scrabble." pl. Zjuqixii

Hold on a fucking minute...

Uranus' moons are named after characters in classic literature, with all but three of them being characters from Shakespeare's mind.

(beginning twith the closest moon to Uranus' surface)

Cordelia - In Shakespeare's play King Lear Cordelia was a daughter of King Lear.
Ophelia - Ophelia was named after the daughter of Polonius in Shakespeare's Hamlet.
Bianca - Bianca was named after the sister of Katherine in Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew.
Cressida - Cressida is the daughter of Calchas in Shakespeare's play Troilus and Cressida.
Desdemona - Desdemona is the wife of Othello in Shakespeare's Othello.
Juliet - Juliet was named after the young girl in Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet.
Portia - Portia was a rich woman in Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice.
Rosalind - Rosalind is a daughter of the banished Duke in Shakespeare's As You Like It.
Belinda - Belinda is named after the heroine in Alexander Pope's The Rape of the Lock.
Puck - Puck is a fairy in Shakespeare's Midsummer-Night's Dream.
Miranda - Miranda was named after a daughter of the magician Prospero in Shakespeare's The Tempest.
Ariel - Ariel was a spirit in Shakespeare's The Tempest.
Umbriel - Umbriel is a character in Alexander Pope's The Rape of the Lock.
Titania - Titania is the Queen of the Fairies in Shakespeare's Midsummer-Night's Dream.
Oberon - Oberon the husband to Titania and the King of the Fairies in Shakespeare's Midsummer-Night's Dream.
Caliban - Caliban was a deformed son of a witch in Shakespeare's The Tempest.
Stephano - Stephano was the drunken butler in Shakespeare's The Tempest.
Sycorax - Sycorax was the witch who enslaved spirits in Shakespeare's The Tempest.
Prospero - Prospero was the protagonist magician of Shakespeare's The Tempest.
Setebos - The God that Caliban was taught to worship in Shakespeare's The Tempest.

But wait... somewhere between Rosalind and Belinda in 1986U10. 1986U10? What was that, MacDuff's license plate number in MacBeth? Isn't that that Van Halen Album? What the Hoary Hell is that all about? Apparently Shakespeare didn't write anything else that they could have culled a character or two from.

I'm going to call it a night and settle down to read THX1138 and Juliet.

Peace, gentle readers!

I'll take obscure diseases for $400, Alex...

What the Hell is PARVO and how did I get it? Is it something I ate? Is it airborne? Was I bitten by a tick? Did a gypsy cast her evil eye at me? Did Scientologists get to my breakfast cereal?

I'm told that my recent fatigue and joint pain are the result of my having contracted the Parvo Virus. There is no cure, and the virus must run it's course, which can take anywhere from a few days to 6 months. In the meantime, I can look forward to excruciating pain, exhaustion, and murderous rage. Well, that last part is a pre-existing, ongoing condition.

I did manage to recover much of the content of the original Smart Centipede blog from I(SUCKDONKEYCOCK)BLOGS.com, so look forward to "Best of" posts as I struggle to reprint my best...

Once I get better, that is.